Fairytales

In my last post I wrote about New Years goals etc., and one that I need to add is being better about updating my Blog. So I am trying my best to stick to it. I am also, like the rest of the world, trying to deal with my Holiday overindulgence. I was only at my parents' for 4 days but I think I ate enough for years to come. I am usually a healthy eater and advocate of exercise, however, something about the cold winter in the country makes me lethargic and hungry. Not to mention my Mom's cookies are on every table I see (in case you missed it my mom makes the most amazing and delicious un-resistable cookies www.cookiecreationsny.com - sorry needed to add the plug there).

So I have been back in reality dealing with the aftermath of the holiday whirlwind. I tepidly stepped on the scale this morning expecting to have gained 5-10 pounds, and am surprised to see the same number as before. Instead of jumping up and down I thought instead, "it must be broken". Ahh to be a girl.

Speaking of Girls - Isa continues to amazing me with all that she has taken in. She is becoming such a little girl, and it is difficult to stay in the moment and enjoy it. Sometimes she seems like such an adult and other times till such a baby. We are working on a lot of transitions right now like potty training, which is going to do me in. I just remind myself that everyone goes through it and it will happen... eventually. Like all the other difficult stages that we got through together (FYI she is still licking everything, but i think it slowed down when I licked her back and she got a bit grossed out).

She also, to my Joy, has moved from Dora to the" Princess stage". I can deal with this a bit better, although I can't help but analyze the Prince's. Perhaps part of my problem was that I grew believing everyone had a true love out there. I'm not so sure anymore. I think, in fact I know, I was extremely naive growing up, and did not truly understand the realities of the world. I thought that if I tried to be a good person and fair person that good things would find me. I know I have the best thing in the world in Isa, and if I never do find that true love I can be OK with knowing I at least have her. But, I think I would like to find someone. I still believe there is a person out there for everyone if we want that. I also am learning that we draw people to us with whom we can work through lessons or issues. I needed my Ex in order to learn and grow out of certain things, and it was not all bad but I learned all I could from that. I am still recovering but through that also still learning. I now think I need to work on accepting someone good into my life with whom I can grow and share. Maybe Prince Charming and Prince Philip don't really exist, but reality is sometimes better. I think we all need to dream and hope so I can continue to watch the Princess movies over and over with Isa, and like her dream that my life can be as magical as the Princess' in the movie and maybe someday it will.

Flight (because every good Princess movie has a helpful bird)

1. Lie on stomach arms at sides palms down, legs slightly apart, pull abdominals in. Forehead resting on mat.
2. Inhale to lift chest off mat using upper back muscles and abdominals, keep looking down at mat, shoulder blades glide down back toward feet hold up for 2-3 seconds.
3. Lower down with out letting low back and pelvis relax.

Repeat 3-5 times

Change

One of the Blogs that I am linked to is Ms Single Mama (www.mssinglemama.com), which has helped me though some tough times and inspired the way I write this Blog. In her latest entry she talks about a low point at the end of last year when she felt vulnerable and needed to ask for help. It made me think about many things. First the past year and all I have survived. I am truly stronger yet also changed (in some ways for the better and in some not so much). I am continuously learning and challenging myself. Like Single Mama I did not change until I allowed myself to become vulnerable. I think until we reach that point where we have nothing left and just need to be honest it is difficult to go on. Each day for me is full of questioning and doubt, but it also forces me to risk and find strength when I thought I was lost. 

The past few months have been difficult. I have been questioning a lot about my life, and wondering if the choices I am making are right. Now that I have Isa to think about I need to make better choices, and I'm not sure the things I am doing are the best. I was seriously considering moving back in with my parents for a while. It would give me time to pay off my debt and save a bit to start off on a better foot. In my head I think I also wanted to be closer to them and see if I could help them in a way. 

I did not expect to be a single Mom and in every way was unprepared for it. Emotionally I was completely unprepared and financially I was nearly done in. I was functioning on level zero on both counts. I am moving through the emotional aspect but the financial one just won't budge. So I thought moving home would give me some time to ease the panic. I could stop paying for daycare or find a less expensive one near my parents and I could commute to NYC 4 days a week. I had it all planned until I went home for Christmas. The reality of my life came crashing down and I realized this plan was simply a fantasy. I am not going to get into the exact issues, but there was a reason I left home and I just can't go backward I need to move forward. At the moment I'm not sure where forward is leading but I am hoping it is a more peaceful and safe place. 

Thinking about the past also raises a lot of ideas about the future. This past year was such an emotional mix. I survived on my own, became closer to my gorgeous daughter, became a better and stronger mother, started to date, and even began to find forgiveness for my Ex (still working on that one). There are a lot of things I would like to see happen in 2010. I think a lot of 2009 was about finding an inner peace and strength, but I think 2010 needs to be about growing outwardly. I've become so protective that I have nearly cut myself off from the outside world. I need to learn to have fun again and trust again. Recently I reconnected with a few friends from the past and even reached out and started new friendships with other single moms. After spending time with my dearest old friend I thought how amazing it was to be able to still sit with her and talk even though our lives were in different places than the last time we saw each other. Then over the next few weeks we continued to be in touch through emails and our Blogs, and her words of kindness and truth brought me to tears. I realized how tightly I had been protecting myself  and how alone that made me. So after a few years of just keeping it together and making it through I am ready to start letting people in. I'm not sure how to do that just yet, but I'm working on it. So that's my goal for 2010. I'm done with resolutions I think they are too restrictive, but we all need something to aspire to and dream about.

What's your goal?

Cobra/Swan

• Lie on your abdominals, facing he floor, legs extended behind you (together or hip width apart), tops of the feet on floor reaching toes to wall behind you so you feel a stretch from hip bones
• Engage abdominals until you feel your navel lift up off floor
• Place the palms of your hands flat to floor just under your shoulders, elbows close to your sides. Inhale and lift your abdominals from the mat.  Straighten arms while drawing shoulders down from ears, feel scapula draw down side of ribcage, lift top of your head toward ceiling (do not look up to ceiling by arching your neck - this is a stretch for your upper and mid back).
• Feel the center of your chest lift high to the ceiling, pull abdominals tighter
• Exhale and lower your upper body to mat, keep your elbows bent and close to your sides

Repeat 3-5 times

1. 
   

Let it Snow

I just finished watching Auntie Mame for the hundredth time. If you have never seen it go to Netflix or the nearest DVD rental NOW! It is a must. (Unless of course you hate classic movies.) I watched the first half with Isa, and surprisingly she was very interested- shows she has good taste already. I am fairly sure it can be counted as a Christmas movie. It is definitely a great inspiration for the single momma...ok "Yes" it is a dramatized musical movie but still I love the inspiration. Mame is a complete crazy eccentric artist and I LOVE HER!! I wish I were brave enough to be her. Oh and check out the party scene in the beginning and all the artistic references. Truly the movie is about life and being true to yourself, but also portrays the magic of Christmas and how it can make everything a little bit brighter. 

I haven't really been in the spirit of Christmas much this year. I keep waiting for it to strike. Isa is so much more aware now than ever before of Santa and presents. I'm sure when she gets to my parents and sees all her cousins she'll be even more excited. I think I will feel a bit more excited too. 

I took her to see the tree at Rockefeller Center this past Thursday. Every year 

one of my favorite things to do is walk down fifth avenue during holiday season. Isa was asleep and I carried her in my Ergo (love it still). When I got to the tree I woke her up and a part of me didn't think she would be so into it. I had been dragging her all over throughout the month and she never really liked any of it. To my surprise she was amazed....not by the tree but by the decorations around the tree. She loved the statues of toy soldiers playing instruments and laughed with Joy at the skaters. We walked right up under the tree. And then of course we went to Magnolia for cupcakes (there is now one uptown....how convenient). I think the cupcake was the best part for her. She turned to me when we got her blue cupcake and said, "Mom, where is the big tree?". Umm. if the tree at Rockefeller Center isn't big enough I'm in trouble.

She is also in this licking stage so the cupcake and frosting were very appropriate. I am told it is normal even though she seems to be the only one doing it. Yesterday she licked my door. It started with her licking my arm or face like a cat. Gross, but as Mom's we have to deal with these little gross gifts all the time. It progressed from there to licking windows. This happened on a Metro North train and had a huge Ick factor for me. Luckily I'm not a germaphobe. Then it got worse. She licked the subway seat and window and bar. It was 

major disgusting and took all my effort to stay sane because it was too much to watch. I can't imagine it tasted good, but she continued to do it like she was testing out flavors at a Baskin Robbins. So today it snowed. Isa's friend (3 days apart) decided to lick and eat the snow. His parents were a bit concerned. Isa, who loves ice, could care less about eating snow because she was too busy licking the store window. I had to pry her away. I hope this stage passes soon because if she ends up like that little boy in A Christmas Story, stuck to a pole, I just don't think I could take it.

Regardless of all the licking and tantrums, I am a truly blessed Momma. Most of the time I am in bliss over the amazing child I have. She is hilarious and sweet and makes me smile most of the time. She calls me beautiful Mommy our of the blue. She cuddles like crazy. Tonight she just wanted me to hold her like I did when she was little. It is incredible how big she is now. Every day she learns more. I had a glimpse tonight of when she was a baby - I would stare at her for hours. I don't do that much anymore because we are more active together, but tonight I had a chance to re-live that time when I held her close and just watched her. It is truly the best feeling in the world. It is magic, and the best part is you can see the excitement of life in the eyes of children. Especially around Christmas, and even more so when it snows.

I am certain this is a magical time because no matter what, it brings us back to our childhood, and I think for the month of December we can chase down some of that magic and hope to catch a bit to hold on to. Sometimes we need to believe in Santa and know that someone is thinking of us enough to get us a gift. It is a time to remember others in our life as well as forgive. It is truly a time of peace, and allowing a space for acceptance. I am not from a religious family so I know I do not appreciate the religious aspects of Christmas, but I do feel the energy and love and peace that comes with it each year. The expectation, excitement, and hope. In times when there seems a great need for all of this it is a perfect time for Christmas.

Mermaid 

A fairy tale creature for a Fairy tale time

• Sit on the floor with both legs folded to the left side.
  
• Torso should be as straight as possible, Abdominals are drawn in to support spine
• The right hand is on the floor
  
• Keep your left shoulder down, away from your ear, as you extend your left arm straight up above your head.
• Keep your left hip grounded as you lengthen your spine through the center of your body. Extend your ribcage up to the ceiling
• Your support hand moves further away from your body to increase the stretch. You can also fold the supporting elbow down onto the floor.
• Keep your shoulders down and your scapula settled in your back, even at the farthest point of your reach.
• To initiate your return, send your left sit bone down toward the mat. Then use your abs to begin to bring your torso up.

• Repeat 2 to 3 times and switch sides.

Ambiguity

I have lived in New York City for nearly 16 years, and I often go through a love hate relationship with it. Obviously, most of the time I am in love with it, but there are times (like now) when I could throw in the towel and move on. I'm sure the stresses of being a single mom and a single woman in her 30's does not help the situation. It is expensive to live here and I'm not sure how much longer I can truly find the fire needed to make it work. There was always a small part of me that had in the back of my mind that I could always move in with family either upstate or Chicago until I started over. Move, pay off my debt, and start again. 

I think socially it would be a social death to leave NYC. Here I can leave my apartment and feel like a normal single woman in her 30's. I think outside of here it wouldn't be that easy. I fear I would end up sad and lonely, but maybe that is what it is -just fear talking. Maybe I would turn into one of those crazy eccentric woman who live in the country. And yet, when I look inside myself I know I do not want to leave.  

I am the type of person who digs my heels deep and refused to budge even when, especially when, the going gets tough. I tend to work harder through those times. When the EX ended up in the hospital the first time due to his drinking I was one of the few who actively helped him because I was partly responsible for him being there-I knew it had gone too far. When 9/11 traumatized the city and we all went numb and helpless, I refused to leave because for me it was a sign of escaping and letting others deal with the problem. When I was a therapist I chose to work in the scariest areas of the city with those people most others had already turned their backs on because I refused to close my eyes to the evils of the world. And of course, when I found myself poor, nearly homeless, and a single mom I chose to fight my way out of victimhood and into strength. I refuse to now give up because life again has gotten in the way. 

How do we do that? How do we carry on when we follow when path and find out halfway through that it was indeed not the easy way. I think for me I continue on and hope that at least it is an interesting journey. I have never been one to take the easy way even when I knew it was available. Having Isabella has changed that a bit. I tend to choose things that are a bit more stable or safe, but most of the time these things life throws are out of our control. I want her to live in NYC for a while longer. I want to be here myself. So I will continue on, and hope that even as things get hard that at least there will be some part of it that is interesting or some part that improves me as a person. 

I'm sure tomorrow I will wake up and my mind will be in a different state. I think just trying to balance a budget that never is truly balanced and handle a 2 year old I am just over my head. Last weekend Isa threw a tantrum in the subway station giving me visions of her running into the track. So I picked her up and yelled at her (ok sternly talked) and she smacked me in the face. I, of course trying to be the modern mother and follow "the rules" provided to us modern moms scolded her again without yelling, and she looked me in the eye stuck her finger up her nose and wiped a booger on my face. I don't need to tell you the looks I got from those tourists and locals on the Grand Central platform or the yelling (yes yelling) that happened between me and Isa. She is 2. She used the only defense she has. I think it was a tipping point. What am I doing here? I love this city but truly can't take advantage of it the way I use to. I am always working too much and exhausted and then stressed when I'm not working enough. 

I need a break. Or at least I need a date. Yes I am thinking of opening that can of worms again. Not quite sure, but hey why not. I'm sure I'll run far far away the first few times, but it gets easier right, and perhaps it will help me feel somewhat normal again. Perhaps. Either that or I eat my way through Isa's Christmas cookie collection or start buying the odd outfits I would need to pull of my eccentric look in a small country cottage. 

Core Principle: Hip Differentiation 

sometimes we need to remember the basics and start from the deepest part of ourself in order to find movement and begin again

Hip Differentiation- differentiate the movement of the femur bone from the pelvis

Knee Stirs

• Lie on your back in a neutral pelvis position, knes table top, hands on knees
  
• Maintain neutral, stir femor )hip) bones slowly in both directions. Allow the leg to release in sockets.
  
• Try to maintain neutral so continue to use abs with no movement in spine
  

Knee Folds

• Lie on back in neutral pelvis, knees bent and feet flat to floor
  
• Maintain neural, lift one leg to table top (90), lift 2nd leg to 90
  
• Exhale touch toe of one foot to mat and then bring it back to 90
  
• Inhale at top, exhale other leg down to floor and up to 90
  

Repeat 8 on each side alternating legs each time

Stabilize pelvis while leg glides in socket

Holidays Past and my Dating Future

This time of year makes me so nostalgic for years past. I feel like that every year and yet each year I feel also let down that I can't capture the same excitement I had years ago. I'm not talking about just the time when Santa was magical and the anticipation of gifts was enough to burst my heart. I'm talking also of the enjoyment of simple things.

I remember my first Thanksgiving spent in NYC- I think I was 19.  It was snowing and I was working as a vendor on St. marks Place (things were much much different then in the city and in my life). I was still excited by the city. I had not yet explored its nooks and could still see newness in it. 

The thing I remember is watching all the people who had moved out of the city return to see friends or family.  I still remember it as a night of magical possibilities.  I was in a different time in my life. I think at that time I was a student at NYU and loved to hang out between St. Marks Place and West 10th street.  It seemed much easier to do nothing and yet do everything with nothing. We were never bored and meeting people was so easy. I think I trusted much more back then. The only people who had let me down at that point had been my family. I think I was rebelling against my family at that time, which may be why I was not home for Thanksgiving. Holidays certainly make one reflect on where they are and where they have been. 

Time is a funny thing-I feel like it was yesterday and yet another life-time ago. I am so different now then I was then. there was a day when I was working at the stand on St. Marks and a guy came by to talk. (This was very common-people just sat and talked all day). I think he made part of his living creating and reading astrological charts. He told me that in the future I would be in a very different place than now doing something completely different than I thought I would be doing. He didn't read my chart -it was just a comment. Perhaps he was a true psychic, but I think in truth most of us end up doing something drastically different than we set out to do in school. I was meant to be an artist. I think in some ways I still am, but I've changed my ideas a bit. I found it difficult to make a living and to be honest I was never good at competing and selling myself the way one had to in art school and later in the "art world".

Looking back at that snowy Thanksgiving Eve and that short period in my life, I am reminded of the girl I was. I don't think I would want to go back there. I like who I am, but I am a bit envious of the ease in which I use to trust people. I think I have shut down over the years. Looking back on it I think I began my shut down with each boyfriend I had. Each one taking a bit more trust. I know this is why I fear dating now-not because I don't rust men. More true- I don't trust my own instincts when it comes to men. One of the main reasons I worked so closely with abused women when I was a therapist is because I wanted to see if there was some secret in them that I shared. Some thing in us that made us choose these men that broke us down and made us feel so poorly about ourselves. I know for a fact that good men are out there, but I just am not sure I can trust myself to find one. A main reason why I have put my trust in friends to find me dates instead. I need an outside screening agent. I know my strengths, and dating has never been something I excel at.

I think when we hit our 30's we know more about ourselves but have more scars on our emotional hearts. I have to get over it and I will, and I apologize in advance to those poor men who need to date me as I work through it. So I guess it's safe to say I'm jumping into the dating game again. More to come on that one-although I don't think I'll be writing about my dating adventures, but more my pure dorkiness as the ultimate worst dater. 

Rowing (from my past to my future and everywhere in between)

-to be done with 2 pound weights-

Back Rowing - Round Back

Sit with legs extended (unless you have tight hips and can't straighten back, if so bend knees slightly)

Hold weights in hands the entire time

• Inhale-pull arms into circle, palms face chest, elbows wide
  
• exhale- engage abdominals to curl back to top of tale bone, arms stay 6 inches in front of chest
  
• inhale- open arms to side, rotate arms, and press back
  
• exhale- round torso forward as arms continue to press back until hands are behind the body
  
• inhale-keep torso forward, circle arms around to front 
  
• exhale- pull abdominals in and roll the back up until the torso is straight over the hips
  

Back Rowing - Flat Back

Sit with legs extended (unless you have tight hips and can't straighten back, if so bend knees slightly) , hold arms in 90 degrees palms facing you

Hold weights in hands the entire time

• exhale- engage abdominals and lean back, keep arms at 90
  
• inhale- hinge forward from hips as the arms reach forward on a high diagonal as the chest lifts
  
• exhale- round the back over as the arms come forward beside the legs
  
• inhale- circle the arms around to the back
  
• exhale-reach arms back and around as the torso stacks up to return to starting position
  

My dear friend

One of the things I love about Thanksgiving weekend is seeing old friends. This past weekend I was able to catch up with a dear long time friend-my best friend for many of the most important and formative years of my life. She was as close, if not closer, than a sister for most of those years. The thing about growing up is sometimes relationships change. I never would have thought we would be inseparable and yet we were. 

Growing up sometimes means forgiveness and letting go - especially when we can't remember the grudge we were holding on to in the first place. I do remember "the grudge"of course- it had to do with my EX (big surprise I know). OF COURSE IT DID! The shame in that is punishment enough. It is still difficult at this point in time to imagine there was a moment when I put him above everything else. I guess that is what love does to us- that and being a co-dependent person (which by the way I am still figuring out specifics on -entirely different topic.) I could write books on what I gave up for me EX and the stupidity and embarrassment it caused, but this entire blog is about discovery and moving on so on we go. 

I was lucky enough to be given a second chance with my dear friend. We are older now and yet it felt pretty close to where we were before she moved. Pretty close to sitting around getting ready to go out on some adventure about town. Now I'm sure you would love to be in the loop on those nights about town but for now those are secrets kept buried in my chest. They were all full of carefree 20 year old friends who loved each other more than their own self and often their own family. They were nights full of fun and love and more warmth than a summer evening in Italy. They formed me into the person I am today.

What I discovered this weekend is that it is so much better to reach out and move on. Get over "the grudge" rediscover a friend. There are so many damn rules we live by in life with people these days- sometimes we just need to let rules go, let stubbornness fall, and reach out- RISK! 

When I was younger I often heard of my mother's best friend from high school. The two were supposedly unsepparable, and yet I never met her. I thought this was sad. I, myself, lived for my grlfriends in school and could not imagine ever being without them. I realize now how sad it must have been for my mother. I do not know the circumstances in her not being in touch with her friend, but I do know now how lonely life can get. I think having a child is amazing, but being a single mom is lonely. My mom was not single, but she may as well have been (again- completely different story for another time). I think as we age it is difficult to make time for friends in the same way we once did. Life takes over and we need to often make choices which include marriages, children, and moves. 

I long for those days when my nights were spent lying around and laughing all night with my closest friends. There are times when my heart aches for those days, and yet I can't say I would trade in what I have now for it. It was so amazing to have a taste of it again though. Some people never experience that kind of deep friendship and I nearly threw it away. I am lucky to have had it at all. Some people are blessed with true love and amazing relationships- I was blessed with true friendship. Sometimes we get both. I'm still hopeful on that, but for now I am so blessed to be reminded that there was a time when I had a friend who was thicker than blood and truer than true where words needed not be spoken and the space in between could be as distant as an ocean but would never be felt. 

Heart opening on roller

• Using a large foam roller, carefully lie down so that each vertebrae match the roller, feet flat to floor, knees bent
  
• Lift arms to ceiling, keep ribs and spine to roller
  
• Turn palms to each other and then let arms pull away until they are straight out to side walls like a "T"
  
• Bend elbows so that palms face ceiling
  
• Stay here and let pecs stretch and open
  

Happy Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving I chose to stay in New York City instead of traveling to my parents house upstate.  A few reasons for it- financial and time restraints of course- but also I just can not find patience to travel with a toddler during peak hours.  I realize much more now that my destinations are closer to home because traveling with Isa is so nerve wracking and I'll be honest- annoying. I have also discovered that other travelers are not so compassionate to those of us who bring children with us.  So this year instead of dealing with the anxiety of it all I opted to remain home.  

I planned a morning with just Isa and I, and then agreed to have a lunch with Isa's father.  Isa and I woke up at our normal 5am time (yes that's right 5am-don't get me started on that one).  She is not a morning person at all, but still wakes up at 5am.  The first thing she usually does is scream for strawberry milk like she is being tortured.  Then she climbs back into bed and asks for Dora.  As much as I hate it I always give in because it allows me time to get ready and pack our bags for the day.  

This morning I think she would have been just as happy to stay in bed watching Dora, but instead I dragged her to the parade.  I have never been and I thought she would love it.  I don't think she loved it so much.  We got there at 6:30am and were met with an already thick wall of people. I found a spot that seemed the safest option among what was left on 70th and Central Park West, and plopped Isa down with her stickers, coloring books, and crayons.  We then began our "sit in" until the parade began at 9am.  Somewhere between 8 and 8:30 donuts and cookies began to be shared amongst the crowd and Isa had the children's version of a caffeine wake up call.  She was wired for the next 1/2 hour. 

Then of course the parade was about to begin and she decided she had enough and wanted to go home.  If any of you have been to the parade before you know this is just not possible- basically you are trapped until Santa arrives.  So I tried to keep her entertained on top of trying to get her excited about the balloons flying above her head.  It seemed like forever before Santa arrived. I am glad we went but I don't think it will be a tradition we keep often. I think I did it because I wanted to be a good Mom for ISa- I still have that need to go over and above to make up fo not being there enough physically. I think a lot of Moms share that need, but I need to kep myself in check as to whether I'm doing this for me or her. I may have missed on this one.

When the parade ended we walked through Central Park. It was a warm and clear fay so felt perfect to walk through the park letting Isa be my guide.  She seemed to enjoy that more than anything. When we reached the end of the park I put her in my ergo (which I realize she is probably too big for but I LOVE it! still). She quickly fell asleep and I followed the crowd down fifth avenue, which I still love to do during the holiday season. There is something about the lights and windows and YES the crowds that makes me truly thankful for living in this city.  

When I worked at the Metropolitan Museum, I often walked home (downtown-about 80 blocks) and during the holidays I would love it. It took forever to go anywhere of course but it was so beautiful that I just didn't care.  Walking home from Central Park now often reminds me of that time in my life, and I get so nostalgic for it. I intend to take advantage of  this holiday season and walk the same route many times over. If you ever get the chance I highly suggest it. It hurts yes- your legs ache your feet will feel like they may fall off but it is so amazing to do.  

I am certain that the meaning of Thanksgiving has changed over the years, but for me it has come to be a time where I can sit back and take a moment to truly appreciate what I have. I also am working hard to find acceptance and forgiveness in others (including my ex). I am so lucky to have so much in my life that brings me happiness. I have struggles and my share of burdens, but underneath it all my foundation is solid and happy. I am at a point in my life where I do not want to create or be a part of drama and chaos, and in doing that I feel the need to let go of those things and people who can create it in me. In order to truly do this I need to completely let go and that means finding forgiveness. It is a difficult thing especially when wounds run deep, but it is an important practice. I do not think forgiveness is about forgetting or saying "it is ok", but I think for me it is about making peace. Finding a new beginning and letting go while truly wishing the other person the best possible life. Freeing myself of intanglement without drama, control, anger, or fear. It is a practice-I'm not there yet and there will be much more on that to come. 

No exercise today- today is about rest and thankfulness and food.

Hope you all had and are having a wonderful Thanksgiving day!

Finding my Carefree Spirit

So as a 36 year old single mother you would think I would feel a bit more put together, but I don't.  I think as a kid I always thought that when I was a grown up I would finally feel secure and confident.  I don't know if anyone ever does.  I am sure there are some out there and I wish I knew their secret because I have been blessed with a big basket of anxiety.  I think I will always be caught in my pre-teen years as far as confidence goes.  I know this is crazy seeing as I have done so much in my life.  I have experienced more than most and travelled to more places than most people in my family. I guess I just thought that by this point in my life I would feel in control of my life. 

My typical day involves me running around looking very un-put-together.  Usually I have my gym outfit on and a child on my back...sometimes also a child in a stroller if I'm watching my neighbor's son. Most people look at me not because I look good but instead because I know in their head they are thanking God they are not me.  I know it is true because I see the pity cross their faces.  I never use to notice when guys checked me out on the street, but I was told it happened a lot.  Well, I certainly do see the people check me out now but it is because they are saying" Thank God I'm not her". 

I have tried to change, but it just doesn't last.  I am simply not the type of person who can spend extra time putting on make-up before leaving work to go get my child. To be honest I don't really put it on when I leave in the morning either, but I work in a Pilates studio.  Gym clothing is essential and I just can't be the type who wears make-up and sweatpants.  I also don't know where to begin- having a make-up artist brother has some perks.  I never really need to learn to do it for myself.

Getting back to my anxiety. Tomorrow I have another photo shoot and I am trying to be calm about it and zen about it.  I am trying very hard to be zen and calm about most things in my life, but as a doer in nature it is very difficult for me to achieve this. I have never been good at yoga because stillness in my mind is impossible. I like caffeine because it makes me think faster. I need to find solutions to things, and often relax best when being active. Having a photo shoot is difficult because I see myself as a bit of a nerd.  Well, to be honest more than a bit. 

There was a time when I was in my early 20's that I had confidence. It was a brief period from about 21-25, and then it was gone. I think it was the friends I had at the time that gave me that power to be free and be ok with who I was. I lost that during my 25th year and never got it back. I also lost the spontaniety I had. I traded these in for a more serious and stable existence, which has served me well. I think I need to find a bit of balance though. I need to try to be a bit more care free and spontaneous, which I am not sure is possible with a toddler. I guess it is worth a try. So now if I could only remember how to be spontaneous and care free - good thing about having a child is they can teach you that.  

Ab Series on the Jump Board

I love love love the jumpboard because you can act like a child

Add jumpboard to reformer and use 1 spring

• Begin with prancing from one leg to the next
  
• Curl forward and continue prancing Single Leg Stretch (about 10 on each leg) 
  
• Stay curled and move into Crosses (legs stay same arms change)
  
• Move to both legs together and jumping as arms reach over head and around to side
  
• Scissors (legs straight and switching)
  

Running in Circles

This week has been a strange one- lot's of people and thoughts of my past and a lot of stress and anxiety- not sure they are related. I feel like I am stuck in an obsessive cycle these days.  I know from my past experience as a therapist and as a student of therapy that people have a tendency to seek out the same events over and over until they can come to a different resolution. This always helps me when I feel obsessive. I tend to over analyze myself. One can say this is due to my therapeutic profession, but I think it is more about being female- we tend to over-analyze things. 

So not only am I obsessing and over analyzing but I'm also running in circles. I am making the same mistakes over and over and not learning my lessons. What's worse is I am completely aware of it. This kills me. When I was pregnant I was so damn clumsy. I use to run into things and fall down all over the place. This reminds me of that. "Andrea do not run into the pole." I repeated it over and over and every damn time I hit the pole. So my life these days seems similar to that. I actually tell myself the outcome and I still do the same stupid mistake.  So I guess a big theme is running in circles. 

We are destined to repeat things until we break the cycle. We need to learn our lesson, but first we need to know what it is we are doing wrong and what we are suppose to learn from it. I had an amazing professor at Pratt who often said if you are ALWAYS doing something or the outcome is ALWAYS the same then it is time to look at yourself as the source. In any case- I'm looking and trying desperately to figure it out because I seem to be running in the same patterns these days and making the same mistakes. 

One great thing about looking into my past is that I have been able to rediscover why I fell in love with art therapy. I think working in a job where I was under-appreciated and over worked really turned me away from the field. I still have not completely jumped back in since Isa was born 2 years ago. Part of that was because I was so emotionally drained from dealing with my ex and the Hell I was living I could not give an ounce more to another soul. I think now I am ready to give again. I have begun a few Pilates classes which is not quite the same but has given me a taste for running groups again. I am about to begin another group for women who have experienced trauma to their bodies- mainly emotional, physical and sexual abuse. I plan to use art therapy and Pilates and am actually excited again about diving into my practice. 

I was asked by a college student to answer questions about the field of art therapy and it made me think about several cases I had forgotten a long time ago. Already this past week I re-read my thesis that I have not even touched since it was printed and placed in the Pratt library.  Now I am re-opening the cases that touched me, and there are many. I think most of these came from working at SAVI with women who had been sexually abused. This is the work I was most proud of and the work that tore my heart into a million pieces but exhilerated me all at once. There are so many women I worked with that touched me but one story that I'll never forget came from one of my groups.

I think we had the group make containers representing inside and outside.  Usually this is to show how you present yourself to the world and how you feel on the inside.  One member had a beautiful outside but inside her box was black.  I noticed it right away, but waited for her to talk.  Like happens a lot in these groups, there was one person who spoke a lot and the time was running out. So I was very aware of the time and had to ask the woman to wrap up and also did a brief check in with other members to see if they wanted to speak. I wanted to hear from the woman with the black inside but was also feeling anxious about having adequate time for her to discuss. I could feel her depression and sadness and her need to be seen, and yet it was also her responsibility to take the time for herself in that space.  I felt her loneliness and need to be seen so I took her deeper than I would normally have gone because I felt she needed to feel safe and less afraid of the darkness. I had her leap into the box with me and travel into this darkness. We went to the bottom and climbed out together.  It was so intense we were both nearly in tears by the end. While I felt I could have stayed and explored with her more she realized she just needed to exist in this dark place for a while because it was her safety. This in itself made it safe again. Her sadness was serving her but not terrorizing her and that was an amazing acknowledgement and change so I didn't push further. By helping her the group ran over time and I failed the group because in order to save this member the group went over and some people were late for buses or trains.  The following week we had to deal with this failure on our part, but also this same member said that if this work had not been done she would have left the group.  It is a tricky balance.  

I found the most powerful work in these groups- they were difficult and intense but I learned so much from them. I also learned that cycles will continue unless you can face fear and change it. Sometimes we just need to break from the cycle and jump into the darkness. This is always easier to face with another person, but we can't always rely on people to be there. So for me I think I need to begin again facing my only darkness and make the leap to explore it. We all have that place inside us- sometimes it is bigger than at other times. I think one of the best things I have learned from art therapy and art itself is that black is not empty- it is instead a rainbow of color simply mixed too strongly and too closely. Sometimes we need to remain in darkness in order to distinguish these colors so that we can begin to make our lives more colorful again. It is scary - the idea of emptiness and loneliness but there can also be something comforting about it. 

Plank with variations

This week I have been pretty obsessed with the plank 

So as a beginner doing plank is a great way to begin to feel the serratus working (that muscle in the back of your arm pit) and to get your abs to fire (to protect your back) - (this plank is for a more advanced student)

• Begin with a full plank (hands firmly planted and fingers spread, legs straight, inwardly rotate inner thighs and externally rotate hips, abs in)
  
• Keep a strong plank formation and move left leg to side and back 8 times, repeat with right leg
  

Slowing Down and Accepting

So I had an entire entry written for this past week about disguises and Halloween, but it just didn't feel right in the end to post it.  Maybe I'm beginning to feel to aware of my audience and realize that there truly are people reading this and wanting to read it.  I am trying hard to forget all that and remain true to my thoughts so bare with me.  

This week has been a mixed one.  Isabella was sick- so so sick and it wiped us both out for a while.  It is difficult to watch your child suffer especially when there is nothing you can do for them.  The feeling of being helpless is an unsettling one for me.  I am a doer and fixer and it is so hard to sit by and watch helplessly.  So while I was hoping to post a photo of Isa in the amazing monster costume we made together I can't because she got sick the day before and was too sick to go out on Halloween.  Disappointing and yet it is what it is.  Motherhood I am learning is about letting go and accepting things as they happen.

On Friday, Isa woke up and decided, after months of wanting to be a Monster for Halloween, that today she wanted to be a Giraffe. Let me put into perspective that it was 5:15am and we needed to be dressed, fed and out the door by 6:10.  Normally this is a feat in itself, and today I need to find something other than a Monster for her to wear to school.  So I do what mothers do and act on instinct, go to the everything closet and grab what I remember to be a gift some time ago to Isa from someone on a trip to Hawaii.  So while all the boys in class were Monkeys and the girls princesses Isa was a surfing, Hawaiian, snowboarding girl.  I love that she is so original.  

As for the monster costume- it is so amazing I can't throw it in the closet just yet.  Isa won't even pretend to want to wear it, but I keep hoping I can at least get a photo of her.  The entire weekend we just lay in bed watching cartoons and TV and eating chicken soup.  Sleeping off and on, and it was the best time ever.  To spend an entire day with my baby and nothing else to do. Which brings me to an entirely different issue. I miss my child.

I realize this is what happens as a parent, but I am still struggling with being away from my child. It just seems so soon, and I really wanted to be the earth mom who made fresh food and created art daily. I also love my job, and can't imagine life without it. I think I am still trying to find the balance. I realize to pay bills and stay living in NYC I need to work much more than I am, and yet I just can't take myself away from Isa anymore than I do. I have already compromised the type of mother I want to be and am desperately trying to be OK with the mother I am becoming, but it is a constant compromise.  

I'm not sure what the theme of this blog is. I think the week has been full of struggle and compromise. I think a lot of people in my life have been struggling with big issues this past month, and it is difficult to always see meaning and purpose. Sometimes it just is. Sometimes there is no purpose. Sometimes we need to compromise and slow down. I think for me this weekend was a reminder to rest, to slow down, to enjoy the moments with Isa even if they are not what I would want them to be. 

Walking 

because so many people I know are sick or under a lot of stress and walking is the best combination of relaxation and exercise

(I know not quite Pilates, but use the same posture and your body will thank you for it)

• Choose a path or road that is relaxing or enjoyable
  
• Choose music that helps you relax or forget about your problems
  
• Give yourself at least 1/2 hour or more and clear your schedule
  
• DO NOT answer your phone- this is still exercise and should be treated as such
  
• Abs in, shoulders relaxed, and just walk

Blah Days

Yet another Blah day here in New York City.  The weather is beginning to give hints of the grey winter days to come, and as much as the city is trying to disguise it with premature Christmas decorations it doesn't seem to work.  In fact I think to be reminded of the short distance between now and Christmas and holidays in general is cruel and anxiety producing. So bring on Halloween please, but Santa can stay in the Pole for a bit longer. 

Making the best of these blah cold drizzly days I have forced myself to get out of my warm hole. Last night I was lucky enough to be a guest at the Vanity Fair and Christopher Reeve foundation party hosted by my fabulous friend Francesco Clark (of Clark Botanicals).  He is a true inspiration.  I try to make this site about myself but also about inspiring others to move forward and discover their true strength.  He completely lives true to this.  After an accident left him paralyzed he could easily have crawled into the black hole of self pity, but instead continues to rebel against statistics and disbelievers.  He is seeking and participating in innovative research, but he is also living life as a participant and not as a victim. Last night it was nice to see so many people turn out in support of his work and the work of others in the Christopher Reeve foundation.  

So not only did Francesco make me leave my warm house where I can hide away, but he also made me leave downtown and go uptown to 5th avenue no less. For a while I was thinking that I should begin investigating my alternatives in the dating department.  I should move away from the overeducated artists I'm use to and try out those from the other side of Manhattan (the Uptown crew). I'm thinking now that I just don't think I can do it. I don't think galas and parties are a viable form of entertainment, and I can't attend a charity function as a means to be seen as opposed to a show of support for the cause. Perhaps I can use this as another reason to hide. I may be a bit naive to believe that there truly are men out there with depth and also who have ambition and jobs. I made the mistake before of not trusting my instincts and settling for someone who seemed like they had potential to change into a better person.  I just can't settle again.  I want someone who is already a better person and believes in more than parties and clothes or football and beer. I'm not sure that person exists but am still hoping they do, and of course that they are straight. Hmm. A lot to ask for in these city streets I know. 

So like the weather I too am feeling a bit Blah and discouraged these days. But unlike the city of New York I can't pretend to dress up my feelings with festive decor. Well, except for Halloween of course.  The glitter and feathers are quietly drying on Isa's costume....more to come on that.

My Monster

The past few weeks have been a blur of calls and email and work work work, and I am not complaining at all.  However, I have seemed to have neglected many of my other priorities - mainly this blog site.  So Thank You all for being so patient, and of course again I love that people actually read this.  Although I must say I am trying to ignore that fact in order to continue to write. 

So in the midst of all this amazing press (including the fabulous little piece with Julia Stiles who is as amazing a person as she is an actress - and NO I am NOT saying that because you are reading this Julia but because it is true) I have neglected to write about some of the other things in my life.  Mainly Isabella.  She is definitely going through her own battle right now with my new schedule change.  Here are just a few highlights that you may relate to or just enjoy.....ahh my life is just so glamorous.  

Two weeks ago when I went to pick Isa up from school her teacher looked at me with a sad yet serious face and broke the news that Isa was biting all the boys in her class.  When I turned to ask Isa if this was true she tilted her head to one side with big eyes  and said, "Mommy. I eat people." As if this was just an acceptable fact. Now I probably should have contained myself until I left the school, but really I couldn't help but laugh. Of course the situation continued to get worse, and most boys were leaving with my daughter's teeth marks somewhere on their body. I tried to discuss this with her and give her "Time Out" but it rarely happened outside school and to give a child a "Time Out" for something happening hours before is a bit ridiculous. 

I was quickly becoming the bad parent in the eyes of the school. The director was talking to me like I was a 16 year old single Mom instead of someone who use to be a child therapist. Each day she would try to impart some wisdom on me about raising my child. Of course when I went to her directly to ask her suggestions on what should be done she tried (and failed) to print me a piece of paper on biting and how to stop my child. Ummm...just a thought but perhaps it could be because for the first month or so in school my child had to stand alone and be a witness to the other children in her class cry non stop when their parents left. Isa has already gone through her separation stage being that she has been with a babysitter practically since birth. So as other children were in tears Isa was left alone because she was , "so good we don't need to worry about her." So not that I'm analysing the situation, but if you can't get attention through crying than biting definitely does the trick. 

Eventually she grew out of biting, and a week later moved on to kissing all the boys in her class. So now as Halloween approaches we have another situation. While all the other 2 year-olds will be dressed as princesses and animals my child will be a flying monster. I tried to soften it by asking if she wanted to be a nice monster, but again she looked at me with those eyes and said, "No Mommy. I want to be a scary monster." Well at least it is a step up from the demon baby she wanted to be a few weeks ago.  

Resilience

Way back when I was pursuing my Art Therapy career there was some debate about resiliency. Basically why do some people have it and others not - similar to the nurture versus nature debate. I was working with women who had been sexually abused in early childhood, and some of these women had been able to take their histories and use it to help themselves become stronger while others never were able to take that first step toward healing.  So why did these women with similar stories turn out so differently? There have been papers written about this that do more justice to the topic than I could right now, but it fascinates me.

I have this deep interest in why people are they way they are.  How do life stories mold us and change us.  Even how do the literal stories of our youth influence the people we become. (Personally, I was big on Pippy Longstocking and Pollyanna not sure what that says about me). I can tell you that my own story has such a mix of tragedy and good fortune that I think it kept me balanced. I also have a pretty cool family. 

What I think we spoke about the most as a turning point for these girls in childhood is that if even one person believed their story it could make all the difference. That suck with me. I think that it is important to remember that even if we know for a fact that what a person is saying is false; in some circumstances it is important to believe them. By doing this we begin to "see" this person, and they begin to "see" us.  A relationship is born, and a story is told.  Telling a story builds strength and is often a turning point, and to be the person on the other end is the most amazing feeling because you are being trusted with something powerful, vulnerable, and fragile.  To be blessed to hold the story of an other is like nothing else.  It is what happens next that can change everything.  

When the story is told and the secret is out it is what happens in the face of the audience that makes all the difference.  The expression on your face tells them if they are real or not.  If the storyteller feels believed there is usually a sense of validation and knowledge that things will somehow be OK.  This is the beginning step to a path of healing.  I think this is the crossroads to resilience.  The seed of strength is planted here.  

Think to your own stories and when you had a secret or something you felt shame about and released it by sharing with a trusted soul.  This has happened to me several times in my life. To have someone else listen to my story and cry, tell me I'm not crazy, or that my feelings are exactly as they should be made all the difference.  

I think all this deep thought came from my day at the Ali Forney clinic.  I sat in on a group and most of the kids were outspoken and hilarious, but there was one who was so deep within himself I hurt for him. I wanted so bad to pull him aside, take him in, have him trust me to hold his story, but he had his strongest armor on today.  The more I tried to be open to him the deeper he climbed inside his cave.  I know as a therapist it also is not good to allow someone to open up to you if they do not have a support system when you leave.  These kids go back to the streets often to prostitution or drugs and need their protection. So how do you help build resilience and strength without opening up to much?

This is where my Pilates analogy always fits.  I take on this issue much the same way I take on Pilates with injured clients. You can't take something away without building something else in return. If someone is extremely tight and I stretch and release those muscles completely the pain will travel to the next closest place. In therapy, if a client opens up too much without the support it actually becomes a step backward and can be detrimental or at times dangerous.  It's a process for a reason.  In today's world we are so into quick fixes and instant gratification, but with the body and mind we need to let things happen in time. Build and tear away. Similar to working in clay -that is how I work on the body and mind with another person. A perfect art therapy project right here would be to work together on building a sculpture - it is a relational process but will be destroyed if done too quickly.

Neck Stretch

props: theraband

• Tie a theraband to a door know so that it is doubled 
  
• Hold the other end with right hand and step far enough away that you feel some tension
  
• Pull abs in and stand straight, let head drop to left shoulder (ear to shoulder), draw right shoulder blade down rib cage for more of a stretch
  
• Turn head slightly down, hold 
  
• Turn head slightly up, hold
  

Repeat on other side

Risk Taking

In the past week so much has happened that my life is in the midst of enormous change and I feel I am just trying to keep up.  In fact most of the time I feel I am running as fast as possible chasing something being driven in a high speed car down the street in front of me.  I am so appreciative and touched by the outpouring of emails and comments from people over the past week.  I wish I could speak and write to each person, but I can barely remember to get dress in matching clothes in the morning.  I am especially touched by those emails written by children of Single Moms that are encouraging and tell me that it is ok that I work so much.  They give Isabella a voice.  I know by watching her that it is confusing and difficult to have our life changed so drastically, and I continue to feel stress over hurting her.  These voices from grown children give me permission to continue.  It means a lot to me to know that you now can understand why us Single Moms need to work so much and may not be there as much as we want.  But I hope you also know that, like myself,  your mothers I'm sure always carried half a broken heart because they needed to miss so much of your life.  It is a trade off and not a fair one.  

I am trying to wrap my head around all this attention, and the simple idea that in a few months time I may not be struggling to pay bills or stressing that I may be evicted.  The idea of not struggling is still so abstract to me that I'm not sure I can fully take that idea in just yet.  The concept of getting attention and having people care about what I do or say is also a bit odd but easier to accept. I built my practice on making others feel seen and yet it is still a main point of uncomfortability for me.  The idea of being seen or noticed makes me want to run and hide.  I'm not sure where this comes from really- I'm sure I could go into the deep resources of my teen years and find the culprit but I think at this point I really don't want to.  Sometimes it is better to acknowledge and move on without exploration and digging.  At least that's what I'm telling myself right now.

I realized this week that I have accomplished some major goals in my life.  I'm not talking about simply getting publicity because while I love that it was not truly me, but instead my amazing publicist that made that all happen.  What I think I am most proud of is the fact that I allowed myself to be put out there.  I was able to risk and take a chance.  I was at a point in my life where I felt I had nothing left to lose, and maybe that is what gave me the strength or maybe gave me the need to risk.  As scared as I am of failure and criticism I allowed myself to be vulnerable and allowed myself to be honest with the world.  I think so many people related to me because of this.  It was not fearlessness because believe me I'm scared shitless of what the future holds, but allowing myself to be seen without armor is new and terrifying.  I think I am not alone in that I have spent most of my life trying on different masks looking for the best fit.  I hid behind these masks like I did my relationships hoping not to be found out or discovered.  It was after my daughter was born and my ex began a downward spiral into alcoholism that I had no energy left to hide.  I think I was just too tired.  I also knew that in order to regain the power and esteem I had lost in this downward spiral I needed to be real and honest.  I no longer could survive by hiding.  I was sick of lies and games.  So I took a risk. I allowed myself to be vulnerable, and in doing so allowed myself to be open for attack.  So I threw it all out there, and I waited tensely to be shot with bows and arrows or stones.  But instead I was embraced.  It is a crazy feeling to expect something so awful and get kindness in return.  

I continue to put myself out there and be as honest as I can because I know now that my words are helping someone.  And if nothing else I owe it to Isabella.  I want her to be fearless as well as a risk taker.  I want her to be brave beyond believe.  So I am keeping the mask off for now, and seeing how it feels to live without a mask at all.  At the moment it is scary and uneasy but I bet I can get use to this to.  

Balance on the Roller

Props needed: Foam roller

• Carefully guide your spine down on a foam roller with knees bent and feet firmly planted to mat, hands too can be flat to mat
  
• Inhale, exhale and tighten abs so spine falls completely to roller
  
• Inhale, exhale and tighten abs to float right leg to table top, inhale, exhale float left leg to table top
  
• Inhale, exhale tuck chin to chest and curl forward, hands stay down to mat
  
• Find balance using abs
  
• Inhale, exhale extend one leg out to straight, inhale, exhale switch
  

Repeat 10 times on each leg

(Risk falling to find your balance and strength)

Thank you

While I am sitting here basking in the aftermath of Daily Candy I am touched by the emails and support I have received.  I needed to write a short entry tonight just to reach any of you who are checking back after glancing at the website earlier today.  Last night I was so nervous and uncertain of how today would go.  Starting something new always fills me with fear and excitement, but as I have stated before I have learned that I need to risk in life to survive and to live.  I am tired of hiding in fear or running away from any kind of spotlight so I am trying my best to conquer that fear of being seen and step out there into the vulnerability of the world.  I think deep down we all just need to be seen and to be recognized and yet it is a scary and vulnerable place to stand before a spot light.  

So basically what I am saying is I am trying not to just send a mass email with a general response because the type of emails I am getting for the most part of from people who need more than that.  So it may take me a bit, but know I am going to respond to each of you and am so amazed at the people who were touched by my story.  

This has been a remarkable day and I am hoping there will be more like it. I was a bit afraid at first to get the calls and emails but as soon as I forced myself to listen to the messages and read through emails I realized that there are so many real true people just looking to be seen.  I look forward to reaching each of you, hearing from more and hopefully meeting a majority of you soon.  

Thank you for the response and I will try my best to work through these emails tonight.

Breathe for Relaxation (best done with a cup of warm tea nearby)

• Sit with legs crossed in lotus (also referred to as "criss cross applesauce" or  "Indian Style")
  
• Close your eyes and place your hands on your navel
  
• Inhale expand your abs into your hand and exhale contract your abs away from your hand
  
• After a few reps of this place your hands to your thighs and allow the rhythm of your breath to guide you
  
• Slowly allow your body to relax and melt tension away (sometimes it helps to completely tense and then relax your body
  
• Stay hear as long as it takes allowing your mind and body to attune with nature and find balance beyond the busyness of the world
  

Give me Strength

All summer and September I have been working really hard and stressing a lot and nothing happened-except of course I struggled nearly every day.  I know mercury was retrograde, but still I expected something to happen. Then all of a sudden its the last day of September and the skies open and everything changes immediately and overwhelmingly.  So now I'm completely freaking out.  

As I mentioned previously I have a new publicist who rocks.  She has helped me focus and has completely gotten me on the ball.  It doesn't hurt that she is also one damn cool chick.  OK to save her embarrassment I'm moving on.

So tomorrow will be my first major break in the PR department because I will be featured on Daily Candy....one of the hottest blog sites out there.  The person I met through them was also one damn cool chick. I love that the people coming into my life these days are so amazing and full of good energy. 

So basically today I felt as I often do before something major might change my life (or before going on a date).  Yep you guessed it. Vomit! I  had that anxious feeling where I want to either lose my appetite all together or purge all contents previously contained within my stomach. 

I know things need to change. I mean as a single mom I have to be realistic and know that the few hours a week I have been working will not pay the increasing bills.  So I am excited yet terrified because it is all unknown. The only thing I can do is hold my breath, close my eyes and jump in. Since leaving my ex this basically is how I have been living anyway.

Single Moms are a rare breed.  Moms in general are multitasking strong women, but single moms also have a hunger that forces us on. At times this is a true literal hunger... while our children may love peanut butter every day we tend not to (and neither do our hips).  I would not be writing this or doing any of the amazing things I am working on now if it were not for the need and choice (or lack there of) that I made over a year ago.  Leaving my ex has been liberating but also has forced me to get past any hesitation, pride or fear because I have to protect and provide for my child. I find myself doing things I never would have done prior to being a Mom (yeah singing on the street is par for the course).  I also find that I push myself harder and risk over and over because if I fail we both end up in a sad life. She needs to see that I tried everything and did not give up.

The thing about my situation is that if there is no money it is all on me to figure it out.  If Isa is sick it is me who has to stay up all night and go to the Dr. if necessary. As a single Mom in my situation I am responsible for everything and if I mess up no one can pick up the pieces.  OK I am lucky to have a great network of family and friends, but it is still up to me to be resourceful. I think single moms would make great CEOs and amazing business owners because we work from hunger, fear and survival.  We do not play games but instead tend to get to the point because we do not have the time or care to sugar coat things or be anything less than up front. People are in or out.  If they choose to be in we often take the risk to trust and be loyal, and if they are out then we move on without much thought. It sounds harsh but there is no extra time or brain space for game playing and cuteness.  This makes us good at survival in business, life and YES! dating.   

As I become more use to my role as a single Mom I am gaining more and more respect for those who have had this role much longer than me.  Those who have more than one child and go to school at night while working in the day and still get a mother of the year award.  It is a difficult role and very under-appreciated, but I am seeing that it builds an incredible strength.  

Teaser (advanced)

• Lie flat on floor with arms extended over head and legs extended and squeezed together
  
• Inhale tuck chin
  
• Exhale using abdominals curl up as legs lift up, bring arms to ceiling
  
• Slightly tuck pelvis as collar bone is open to ceiling
  
• Hold here and take 3 deep breaths - every exhale deepen the abdominals
  
• Slowly, with control, lower legs and spine to floor, 1 vertebrae at a time
  

 

Responsibility

I have a client who is addicted to watching the Biggest Loser. I am always interested in what motivates my clients as well as any exercise programs out there, therefore, last season I began to watch. I need to admit, as I think most trainers do, that I am conflicted with the show.  I think it is great that so many viewers are using it as inspiration to change their own life, but I wonder if their determination continues when they realize it is impossible to lose the amount of weight the contestants on the show are losing.  I like that so many Americans are beginning to face their own obesity, and I hope they can use the ideas of the show to be proactive in their journey. While watching the first episode this season, the word "responsibility" played over and over in my head.  It is a big word - especially when dealing with emotional baggage associated with weight gain.  

Let me first state that I do not think every overweight person gained weight because of emotional issues, but I would guess 98% of them did or at least may have some intense emotions after gaining weight. In the show one of the trainers is yelling at a contestant.  I think I see what she is trying to do and yet I'm not sure this is the best way to get through to her.  She does state, "You don't get to be 350 lbs overweight and not have a story." I think it is true we all have stories and some of us allow that story to make us a victim-we become out story instead of creating a new one. I find it interesting and a good strategy that the trainer did not let this contestant tell her story yet.  I think I would have been sucked in by the pain, but I see it is used as a shield.  This person needed to be angry first, and not be seen in the same role she continued to play in life. She needed to take on the responsibility of her life and health.

When I was working as a therapist with traumatized women I saw emotional pain being hidden beneath overeating, bulimia, anorexia, alcoholism, drug abuse, and cutting.  People who have been physically or emotionally abused tend to act out against their own body when their intense emotions can not be expressed.  In several cases this is unconscious and in some it is intentional.  Each one of these reactions to abuse can be a way of hiding or releasing pain.  It is something that has fascinated me about working with the psyche and the physical body.  If we push to the limit of our physical abilities there is usually a point at which we reach an emotional breaking point.  

We are responsible for ourselves.  I am fully conscious of my need and willingness to challenge myself physically and emotionally.  My biggest breakthrough was in my supervision group. As a therapist I needed a place among other therapists to challenge and discuss cases from work. Often in these sessions issues about our own lives are discovered as blocks against the ability to work with our clients.  I learned a lot about myself in this group.  This particular night my supervisor went after me and it was a long angry and tearful night where I was accused of playing the victim role.  At the time, of course, I was appalled and denied every bit, but later (even now) I think about that as a turning point for me.  I was playing the victim role.  I can excuse it away by saying I was working with Domestic Violence and every client I saw had layers of abuse, but in truth I was playing this role out myself.  

What does this mean? I can only answer for myself because it may be different for each person.

This role served a purpose for me.  I could work harder and still feel I had not done enough.  I was exhausted most days. I taught Pilates in the morning, went to my therapy job during the day, and came back to teach Pilates at night.  I was beyond burnt out.  In reality I probably was not helping anyone, but in my head I thought I was going beyond what was needed.  I was being a martyr (something I now am repulsed by).  In sacrificing myself I was hoping that someone would notice and take care of me.  The only way I could "be seen" was to be helpless.  I was not being responsible for myself.  I instead was looking for attention and pity from others to fill me up.  I know I am being overly critical of myself and a lot of what I was doing or playing out was in fact the transference of my clients as well as that of my boyfriend at the time.  It was a cycle that needed to be stopped and my supervisor stopped it for me that night.  

It opened my eyes to a new reality, but it was not until months later that I truly took in what I was playing out.  I was in a job that I hated and was taking on the abuse of others for no reason but couldn't leave. When I got pregnant I finally had the courage to quit.  That was the first step.  The second was taking on the responsibility of my actions.  I accepted my part in the failure of my relationship to my ex.  I accepted my part in staying in an abusive relationship.  I accepted my passivity and my inability to be proactive.  I did not explain away or forgive him his own responsibility, but I needed to see my own part so that I could remove myself completely.  It is not blame, but awareness.  

We need to be aware of our role in situations.  Yes. I admit that sometimes the world sucks. There are disgustingly vile people who exist in it.  There is no excuse or reason for some of the sick torturous things that have happened.  However, we can accept the story that these events have written for us or we can re-write our story.  Continue to play out the role that makes us helpless in need of others to come and save us, or be strong and change our outcome. Save our self first.  Accept the responsibility of our actions, our happiness, and our lives.  

I'm not going to lie. It is not easy. It is actually a very lonely path.  I became very alone when I finally dropped those victim chains and decided to take on my life.  It is a place of vulnerability and darkness. As I took back more of my pieces and gained more awareness of myself, I trusted less but I needed less and the light was blindingly clear.  I am stronger now.

PLANK

• Begin on hands and knees, wrists under shoulders, knees under hips. Push through heel of the hand and splay fingers out, slightly externally rotate shoulders. Look forward of fingers with back of head and neck flat to ceiling.
• Push into hands to activate serratus muscle (you will feel this under the armpit)
• Pull navel to spine on exhale and extend one leg to back without shifting weight. Place ball of foot to floor. Reach other leg back and have inner thighs hug as hamstrings reach to ceiling.
• Reach through heels as top of head reaches in opposition, abs are always in, feel as if you are pushing floor away.
• Hold in perfect for for 60 sec.  

to advance - lift one leg for 60 sec, then switch for other leg for 60 sec.
to modify - keep one knee on floor and extend other leg back to straight in line with the spine (60 sec each leg)