This week has been a mixed one. Isabella was sick- so so sick and it wiped us both out for a while. It is difficult to watch your child suffer especially when there is nothing you can do for them. The feeling of being helpless is an unsettling one for me. I am a doer and fixer and it is so hard to sit by and watch helplessly. So while I was hoping to post a photo of Isa in the amazing monster costume we made together I can't because she got sick the day before and was too sick to go out on Halloween. Disappointing and yet it is what it is. Motherhood I am learning is about letting go and accepting things as they happen.
On Friday, Isa woke up and decided, after months of wanting to be a Monster for Halloween, that today she wanted to be a Giraffe. Let me put into perspective that it was 5:15am and we needed to be dressed, fed and out the door by 6:10. Normally this is a feat in itself, and today I need to find something other than a Monster for her to wear to school. So I do what mothers do and act on instinct, go to the everything closet and grab what I remember to be a gift some time ago to Isa from someone on a trip to Hawaii. So while all the boys in class were Monkeys and the girls princesses Isa was a surfing, Hawaiian, snowboarding girl. I love that she is so original.
As for the monster costume- it is so amazing I can't throw it in the closet just yet. Isa won't even pretend to want to wear it, but I keep hoping I can at least get a photo of her. The entire weekend we just lay in bed watching cartoons and TV and eating chicken soup. Sleeping off and on, and it was the best time ever. To spend an entire day with my baby and nothing else to do. Which brings me to an entirely different issue. I miss my child.
I realize this is what happens as a parent, but I am still struggling with being away from my child. It just seems so soon, and I really wanted to be the earth mom who made fresh food and created art daily. I also love my job, and can't imagine life without it. I think I am still trying to find the balance. I realize to pay bills and stay living in NYC I need to work much more than I am, and yet I just can't take myself away from Isa anymore than I do. I have already compromised the type of mother I want to be and am desperately trying to be OK with the mother I am becoming, but it is a constant compromise.
I'm not sure what the theme of this blog is. I think the week has been full of struggle and compromise. I think a lot of people in my life have been struggling with big issues this past month, and it is difficult to always see meaning and purpose. Sometimes it just is. Sometimes there is no purpose. Sometimes we need to compromise and slow down. I think for me this weekend was a reminder to rest, to slow down, to enjoy the moments with Isa even if they are not what I would want them to be.
Walking
because so many people I know are sick or under a lot of stress and walking is the best combination of relaxation and exercise
(I know not quite Pilates, but use the same posture and your body will thank you for it)
- Choose a path or road that is relaxing or enjoyable
- Choose music that helps you relax or forget about your problems
- Give yourself at least 1/2 hour or more and clear your schedule
- DO NOT answer your phone- this is still exercise and should be treated as such
- Abs in, shoulders relaxed, and just walk
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