The past few months have been difficult. I have been questioning a lot about my life, and wondering if the choices I am making are right. Now that I have Isa to think about I need to make better choices, and I'm not sure the things I am doing are the best. I was seriously considering moving back in with my parents for a while. It would give me time to pay off my debt and save a bit to start off on a better foot. In my head I think I also wanted to be closer to them and see if I could help them in a way.
I did not expect to be a single Mom and in every way was unprepared for it. Emotionally I was completely unprepared and financially I was nearly done in. I was functioning on level zero on both counts. I am moving through the emotional aspect but the financial one just won't budge. So I thought moving home would give me some time to ease the panic. I could stop paying for daycare or find a less expensive one near my parents and I could commute to NYC 4 days a week. I had it all planned until I went home for Christmas. The reality of my life came crashing down and I realized this plan was simply a fantasy. I am not going to get into the exact issues, but there was a reason I left home and I just can't go backward I need to move forward. At the moment I'm not sure where forward is leading but I am hoping it is a more peaceful and safe place.
Thinking about the past also raises a lot of ideas about the future. This past year was such an emotional mix. I survived on my own, became closer to my gorgeous daughter, became a better and stronger mother, started to date, and even began to find forgiveness for my Ex (still working on that one). There are a lot of things I would like to see happen in 2010. I think a lot of 2009 was about finding an inner peace and strength, but I think 2010 needs to be about growing outwardly. I've become so protective that I have nearly cut myself off from the outside world. I need to learn to have fun again and trust again. Recently I reconnected with a few friends from the past and even reached out and started new friendships with other single moms. After spending time with my dearest old friend I thought how amazing it was to be able to still sit with her and talk even though our lives were in different places than the last time we saw each other. Then over the next few weeks we continued to be in touch through emails and our Blogs, and her words of kindness and truth brought me to tears. I realized how tightly I had been protecting myself and how alone that made me. So after a few years of just keeping it together and making it through I am ready to start letting people in. I'm not sure how to do that just yet, but I'm working on it. So that's my goal for 2010. I'm done with resolutions I think they are too restrictive, but we all need something to aspire to and dream about.
What's your goal?
Cobra/Swan
- Lie on your abdominals, facing he floor, legs extended behind you (together or hip width apart), tops of the feet on floor reaching toes to wall behind you so you feel a stretch from hip bones
- Engage abdominals until you feel your navel lift up off floor
- Place the palms of your hands flat to floor just under your shoulders, elbows close to your sides. Inhale and lift your abdominals from the mat. Straighten arms while drawing shoulders down from ears, feel scapula draw down side of ribcage, lift top of your head toward ceiling (do not look up to ceiling by arching your neck - this is a stretch for your upper and mid back).
- Feel the center of your chest lift high to the ceiling, pull abdominals tighter
- Exhale and lower your upper body to mat, keep your elbows bent and close to your sides
Repeat 3-5 times
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