Ambiguity

I have lived in New York City for nearly 16 years, and I often go through a love hate relationship with it. Obviously, most of the time I am in love with it, but there are times (like now) when I could throw in the towel and move on. I'm sure the stresses of being a single mom and a single woman in her 30's does not help the situation. It is expensive to live here and I'm not sure how much longer I can truly find the fire needed to make it work. There was always a small part of me that had in the back of my mind that I could always move in with family either upstate or Chicago until I started over. Move, pay off my debt, and start again. 

I think socially it would be a social death to leave NYC. Here I can leave my apartment and feel like a normal single woman in her 30's. I think outside of here it wouldn't be that easy. I fear I would end up sad and lonely, but maybe that is what it is -just fear talking. Maybe I would turn into one of those crazy eccentric woman who live in the country. And yet, when I look inside myself I know I do not want to leave.  

I am the type of person who digs my heels deep and refused to budge even when, especially when, the going gets tough. I tend to work harder through those times. When the EX ended up in the hospital the first time due to his drinking I was one of the few who actively helped him because I was partly responsible for him being there-I knew it had gone too far. When 9/11 traumatized the city and we all went numb and helpless, I refused to leave because for me it was a sign of escaping and letting others deal with the problem. When I was a therapist I chose to work in the scariest areas of the city with those people most others had already turned their backs on because I refused to close my eyes to the evils of the world. And of course, when I found myself poor, nearly homeless, and a single mom I chose to fight my way out of victimhood and into strength. I refuse to now give up because life again has gotten in the way. 

How do we do that? How do we carry on when we follow when path and find out halfway through that it was indeed not the easy way. I think for me I continue on and hope that at least it is an interesting journey. I have never been one to take the easy way even when I knew it was available. Having Isabella has changed that a bit. I tend to choose things that are a bit more stable or safe, but most of the time these things life throws are out of our control. I want her to live in NYC for a while longer. I want to be here myself. So I will continue on, and hope that even as things get hard that at least there will be some part of it that is interesting or some part that improves me as a person. 

I'm sure tomorrow I will wake up and my mind will be in a different state. I think just trying to balance a budget that never is truly balanced and handle a 2 year old I am just over my head. Last weekend Isa threw a tantrum in the subway station giving me visions of her running into the track. So I picked her up and yelled at her (ok sternly talked) and she smacked me in the face. I, of course trying to be the modern mother and follow "the rules" provided to us modern moms scolded her again without yelling, and she looked me in the eye stuck her finger up her nose and wiped a booger on my face. I don't need to tell you the looks I got from those tourists and locals on the Grand Central platform or the yelling (yes yelling) that happened between me and Isa. She is 2. She used the only defense she has. I think it was a tipping point. What am I doing here? I love this city but truly can't take advantage of it the way I use to. I am always working too much and exhausted and then stressed when I'm not working enough. 

I need a break. Or at least I need a date. Yes I am thinking of opening that can of worms again. Not quite sure, but hey why not. I'm sure I'll run far far away the first few times, but it gets easier right, and perhaps it will help me feel somewhat normal again. Perhaps. Either that or I eat my way through Isa's Christmas cookie collection or start buying the odd outfits I would need to pull of my eccentric look in a small country cottage. 

Core Principle: Hip Differentiation 

sometimes we need to remember the basics and start from the deepest part of ourself in order to find movement and begin again

Hip Differentiation- differentiate the movement of the femur bone from the pelvis

Knee Stirs

• Lie on your back in a neutral pelvis position, knes table top, hands on knees
  
• Maintain neutral, stir femor )hip) bones slowly in both directions. Allow the leg to release in sockets.
  
• Try to maintain neutral so continue to use abs with no movement in spine
  

Knee Folds

• Lie on back in neutral pelvis, knees bent and feet flat to floor
  
• Maintain neural, lift one leg to table top (90), lift 2nd leg to 90
  
• Exhale touch toe of one foot to mat and then bring it back to 90
  
• Inhale at top, exhale other leg down to floor and up to 90
  

Repeat 8 on each side alternating legs each time

Stabilize pelvis while leg glides in socket