Finding my Carefree Spirit

So as a 36 year old single mother you would think I would feel a bit more put together, but I don't.  I think as a kid I always thought that when I was a grown up I would finally feel secure and confident.  I don't know if anyone ever does.  I am sure there are some out there and I wish I knew their secret because I have been blessed with a big basket of anxiety.  I think I will always be caught in my pre-teen years as far as confidence goes.  I know this is crazy seeing as I have done so much in my life.  I have experienced more than most and travelled to more places than most people in my family. I guess I just thought that by this point in my life I would feel in control of my life. 

My typical day involves me running around looking very un-put-together.  Usually I have my gym outfit on and a child on my back...sometimes also a child in a stroller if I'm watching my neighbor's son. Most people look at me not because I look good but instead because I know in their head they are thanking God they are not me.  I know it is true because I see the pity cross their faces.  I never use to notice when guys checked me out on the street, but I was told it happened a lot.  Well, I certainly do see the people check me out now but it is because they are saying" Thank God I'm not her". 

I have tried to change, but it just doesn't last.  I am simply not the type of person who can spend extra time putting on make-up before leaving work to go get my child. To be honest I don't really put it on when I leave in the morning either, but I work in a Pilates studio.  Gym clothing is essential and I just can't be the type who wears make-up and sweatpants.  I also don't know where to begin- having a make-up artist brother has some perks.  I never really need to learn to do it for myself.

Getting back to my anxiety. Tomorrow I have another photo shoot and I am trying to be calm about it and zen about it.  I am trying very hard to be zen and calm about most things in my life, but as a doer in nature it is very difficult for me to achieve this. I have never been good at yoga because stillness in my mind is impossible. I like caffeine because it makes me think faster. I need to find solutions to things, and often relax best when being active. Having a photo shoot is difficult because I see myself as a bit of a nerd.  Well, to be honest more than a bit. 

There was a time when I was in my early 20's that I had confidence. It was a brief period from about 21-25, and then it was gone. I think it was the friends I had at the time that gave me that power to be free and be ok with who I was. I lost that during my 25th year and never got it back. I also lost the spontaniety I had. I traded these in for a more serious and stable existence, which has served me well. I think I need to find a bit of balance though. I need to try to be a bit more care free and spontaneous, which I am not sure is possible with a toddler. I guess it is worth a try. So now if I could only remember how to be spontaneous and care free - good thing about having a child is they can teach you that.  

Ab Series on the Jump Board

I love love love the jumpboard because you can act like a child

Add jumpboard to reformer and use 1 spring

• Begin with prancing from one leg to the next
  
• Curl forward and continue prancing Single Leg Stretch (about 10 on each leg) 
  
• Stay curled and move into Crosses (legs stay same arms change)
  
• Move to both legs together and jumping as arms reach over head and around to side
  
• Scissors (legs straight and switching)