This time of year makes me so nostalgic for years past. I feel like that every year and yet each year I feel also let down that I can't capture the same excitement I had years ago. I'm not talking about just the time when Santa was magical and the anticipation of gifts was enough to burst my heart. I'm talking also of the enjoyment of simple things.
The thing I remember is watching all the people who had moved out of the city return to see friends or family. I still remember it as a night of magical possibilities. I was in a different time in my life. I think at that time I was a student at NYU and loved to hang out between St. Marks Place and West 10th street. It seemed much easier to do nothing and yet do everything with nothing. We were never bored and meeting people was so easy. I think I trusted much more back then. The only people who had let me down at that point had been my family. I think I was rebelling against my family at that time, which may be why I was not home for Thanksgiving. Holidays certainly make one reflect on where they are and where they have been.
Time is a funny thing-I feel like it was yesterday and yet another life-time ago. I am so different now then I was then. there was a day when I was working at the stand on St. Marks and a guy came by to talk. (This was very common-people just sat and talked all day). I think he made part of his living creating and reading astrological charts. He told me that in the future I would be in a very different place than now doing something completely different than I thought I would be doing. He didn't read my chart -it was just a comment. Perhaps he was a true psychic, but I think in truth most of us end up doing something drastically different than we set out to do in school. I was meant to be an artist. I think in some ways I still am, but I've changed my ideas a bit. I found it difficult to make a living and to be honest I was never good at competing and selling myself the way one had to in art school and later in the "art world".
Looking back at that snowy Thanksgiving Eve and that short period in my life, I am reminded of the girl I was. I don't think I would want to go back there. I like who I am, but I am a bit envious of the ease in which I use to trust people. I think I have shut down over the years. Looking back on it I think I began my shut down with each boyfriend I had. Each one taking a bit more trust. I know this is why I fear dating now-not because I don't rust men. More true- I don't trust my own instincts when it comes to men. One of the main reasons I worked so closely with abused women when I was a therapist is because I wanted to see if there was some secret in them that I shared. Some thing in us that made us choose these men that broke us down and made us feel so poorly about ourselves. I know for a fact that good men are out there, but I just am not sure I can trust myself to find one. A main reason why I have put my trust in friends to find me dates instead. I need an outside screening agent. I know my strengths, and dating has never been something I excel at.
I think when we hit our 30's we know more about ourselves but have more scars on our emotional hearts. I have to get over it and I will, and I apologize in advance to those poor men who need to date me as I work through it. So I guess it's safe to say I'm jumping into the dating game again. More to come on that one-although I don't think I'll be writing about my dating adventures, but more my pure dorkiness as the ultimate worst dater.
Rowing (from my past to my future and everywhere in between)
-to be done with 2 pound weights-
Back Rowing - Round Back
Sit with legs extended (unless you have tight hips and can't straighten back, if so bend knees slightly)
Hold weights in hands the entire time
- Inhale-pull arms into circle, palms face chest, elbows wide
- exhale- engage abdominals to curl back to top of tale bone, arms stay 6 inches in front of chest
- inhale- open arms to side, rotate arms, and press back
- exhale- round torso forward as arms continue to press back until hands are behind the body
- inhale-keep torso forward, circle arms around to front
- exhale- pull abdominals in and roll the back up until the torso is straight over the hips
Back Rowing - Flat Back
Sit with legs extended (unless you have tight hips and can't straighten back, if so bend knees slightly) , hold arms in 90 degrees palms facing you
Hold weights in hands the entire time
- exhale- engage abdominals and lean back, keep arms at 90
- inhale- hinge forward from hips as the arms reach forward on a high diagonal as the chest lifts
- exhale- round the back over as the arms come forward beside the legs
- inhale- circle the arms around to the back
- exhale-reach arms back and around as the torso stacks up to return to starting position
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