Risk Taking

In the past week so much has happened that my life is in the midst of enormous change and I feel I am just trying to keep up.  In fact most of the time I feel I am running as fast as possible chasing something being driven in a high speed car down the street in front of me.  I am so appreciative and touched by the outpouring of emails and comments from people over the past week.  I wish I could speak and write to each person, but I can barely remember to get dress in matching clothes in the morning.  I am especially touched by those emails written by children of Single Moms that are encouraging and tell me that it is ok that I work so much.  They give Isabella a voice.  I know by watching her that it is confusing and difficult to have our life changed so drastically, and I continue to feel stress over hurting her.  These voices from grown children give me permission to continue.  It means a lot to me to know that you now can understand why us Single Moms need to work so much and may not be there as much as we want.  But I hope you also know that, like myself,  your mothers I'm sure always carried half a broken heart because they needed to miss so much of your life.  It is a trade off and not a fair one.  

I am trying to wrap my head around all this attention, and the simple idea that in a few months time I may not be struggling to pay bills or stressing that I may be evicted.  The idea of not struggling is still so abstract to me that I'm not sure I can fully take that idea in just yet.  The concept of getting attention and having people care about what I do or say is also a bit odd but easier to accept. I built my practice on making others feel seen and yet it is still a main point of uncomfortability for me.  The idea of being seen or noticed makes me want to run and hide.  I'm not sure where this comes from really- I'm sure I could go into the deep resources of my teen years and find the culprit but I think at this point I really don't want to.  Sometimes it is better to acknowledge and move on without exploration and digging.  At least that's what I'm telling myself right now.

I realized this week that I have accomplished some major goals in my life.  I'm not talking about simply getting publicity because while I love that it was not truly me, but instead my amazing publicist that made that all happen.  What I think I am most proud of is the fact that I allowed myself to be put out there.  I was able to risk and take a chance.  I was at a point in my life where I felt I had nothing left to lose, and maybe that is what gave me the strength or maybe gave me the need to risk.  As scared as I am of failure and criticism I allowed myself to be vulnerable and allowed myself to be honest with the world.  I think so many people related to me because of this.  It was not fearlessness because believe me I'm scared shitless of what the future holds, but allowing myself to be seen without armor is new and terrifying.  I think I am not alone in that I have spent most of my life trying on different masks looking for the best fit.  I hid behind these masks like I did my relationships hoping not to be found out or discovered.  It was after my daughter was born and my ex began a downward spiral into alcoholism that I had no energy left to hide.  I think I was just too tired.  I also knew that in order to regain the power and esteem I had lost in this downward spiral I needed to be real and honest.  I no longer could survive by hiding.  I was sick of lies and games.  So I took a risk. I allowed myself to be vulnerable, and in doing so allowed myself to be open for attack.  So I threw it all out there, and I waited tensely to be shot with bows and arrows or stones.  But instead I was embraced.  It is a crazy feeling to expect something so awful and get kindness in return.  

I continue to put myself out there and be as honest as I can because I know now that my words are helping someone.  And if nothing else I owe it to Isabella.  I want her to be fearless as well as a risk taker.  I want her to be brave beyond believe.  So I am keeping the mask off for now, and seeing how it feels to live without a mask at all.  At the moment it is scary and uneasy but I bet I can get use to this to.  

Balance on the Roller

Props needed: Foam roller

• Carefully guide your spine down on a foam roller with knees bent and feet firmly planted to mat, hands too can be flat to mat
  
• Inhale, exhale and tighten abs so spine falls completely to roller
  
• Inhale, exhale and tighten abs to float right leg to table top, inhale, exhale float left leg to table top
  
• Inhale, exhale tuck chin to chest and curl forward, hands stay down to mat
  
• Find balance using abs
  
• Inhale, exhale extend one leg out to straight, inhale, exhale switch
  

Repeat 10 times on each leg

(Risk falling to find your balance and strength)