Blush, Magenta, Bubblegum, Flamingo

Well it finally happened. Isabella became THAT girl. The one who loves anything princess and anything (well, only really) pink. She woke up about a week ago and refused to wear anything other than pink. Now up to this point I have been trying to find a variety of clothes. Going out of my way to stock up on a rainbow of colors. She even has a mixture of boys and girls clothes because unbelievably sometimes the boys clothes were better. Since she was born her favorite colors were yellow and orange, but then a month ago she switches to pink. I asked her teacher if all the girls are now favoring it and she said, "No, just Isa." So I did what anyone would do, I went to the closest and cheapest store (Old Navy) and bought every pink item I could find. So now we have a plethora of pink clothes, and hopefully she will not wake up next week and declare her new favorite color brown. I may have to invest in fabric dye. 

Spiraling from A to Z

Isa spotted this statue last weekend when we were looking for gifts for her Uncle's birthday. It made both of us laugh and sadly was in the garbage area. Of course truly where would it be. Today it was moved to a different location in the garbage area where there is a hint of plant life on a platformed surface. I think we were both happy to see someone else is getting enjoyment from this odd thing. Although with the right fixtures and paint (perhaps a bit of glitter and rhinestones) it could make for a lovely lamp.

I often speak about being at a crossroads or being caught in between one thing or another. I think this is where I find peace. I am learning a lot about myself during this time of exploration, and what I am learning to make peace with is that I am someone who needs many things in my life to feel balanced. I use to think that made me scattered and unusual and unable to complete things, but now I know it just makes me ME. Some people go from A to Z in a straight line. I tend to get there through mazes of spirals but the result is the same - the process is different. So if my Art Therapy professors were correct in their teachings I am on the right path. I was always taught to believe process is more important than result. 

I am enjoying the process.

Happy Birthday to ME

Yesterday was my birthday. I have this thing about celebrating my birthday...I just prefer it to be me. Over the years having to take care of or depend on other people stresses me out and on my birthday I prefer to take a break from the world. So this year when friends asked what I wanted I was non-committal, which may be annoying to some but to me I just need things open ended. In the end it was an amazing day and evening. I worked my normal schedule from early morning to early evening, however throughout the day my clients and friends stopped by the studio to give gifts and birthday wishes. After work Isa and I met a friend in Central Park and we took out a row boat. I can hold my own on the waters even with tourists seem not to know how to row a boat. Even when Isa decided it was her turn and we frightened a few tourists along the stairs of the Bethesda fountain I was able to get us free. I would like to point out here that, "Yes", my 2.5 year old got us stuck on the stairs of the fountain, but while there and struggling to get us unstuck while also reasoning with my 2.5 year old child why Mommy must use the ore and not her, the many many men standing and watching this situation never once offered a hand. Now this also raises another interesting question because while taking the subway to Central Park from Grand Central with my child strapped to my belly not once did a seated passenger offer a seat but also as said passengers stood to leave the train each proceeded to bump me out of  their way. But I am getting sidetracked with my own little thoughts on human decency and manners and the NEED our society has for education in such things. 

So after a short yet long boat ride we went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, my home away from home. It was the first and only place I could think I wanted to spend my birthday. It is literally the one place in NYC that I truly feel like home. I worked there for so long I know it inside and out and I never tire of going there. There is now a installation of bamboo by Doug and Mike Starn and it is a fantastical wonderland of expansions and chaos. Isabella loved it and even created a song to go with it. More friends met me there and we relaxed and had wine while enjoying the peaceful and beautiful evening. Of course, never really drinking, the wine went straight to my head and made for a difficult walk home, but it was all perfect. 

It has been a long and trying year but I think I am finally out of the hardest part and finding my footing a gain. I have hopes for the year to come. Mostly that it will continue in a positive way with me finding my truest friends and connections. I think mostly I just hope to continue to maintain the balance I feel now without the struggle and enjoy every moment with my child. Seems easy but I know it is hard to hold on to...I am determined to try. 

Mothers Day

Mother's Day....in my mind this particular Hallmark holiday is a loaded one. I am blessed to be a mother. It changed my life, made me face myself (the good and the bad), made me stronger, and gave me my own re-birth. I am proud that when someone asks what I do (a very common question in NYC) I first say I am a Mom. Of course I also then quickly add, "I am a single Mom". A. because I am equally proud of the strength it took to become a single mom and B. because said person may be cute single and male. 

I am also very much thinking about those people in my life who desperately want to add the title Mom to their resumes of life. I can only imagine that this day is a reminder to them of what they want, but perhaps is not so easily obtained. I have a few people in my life now who want to be mothers and for the most part I think they would make the most amazing Moms. Particularly I am thinking of my amazing friend Liz (who writes her own blog and discusses her personal journey to motherhood). On a day like today I am so honored and blessed but I also can't help but think and honor Liz and a few other women I know who have struggled but not given up. I know in my heart Liz will be a mother soon. I also know that child will be so loved it will be squished. I know it will most likely be the fattest baby on earth because of the food it will be taunted with. It will also speak more languages than myself and will have a different accent than its parents which I find humorous. And I know that when Mother's Day arrives next year I will be sending the fattest care package in the world to welcome you into the club. 

So perhaps today is simply a Hallmark holiday and there are many people reluctant to spend $5 on a card and treck into the outer borroughs to visit their Moms, but it is also a day of honor. Today is a day that is meant to focus and pamper the women who tend to do everything for everyone else. Who sacrifice, who go last, and who go without. Motherhood is full of heartache whether from too much sorrow or too much love a mother's heart never stops aching. 

So here are a few things I have learned along the way:

• You have to be nice to the other parents on the playgound because you are now setting an example to your child
  
• You can not eat cupcakes for breakfast (at least not in front of your child)
  
• You will become that mom you use to tell yourself you would never be
  
• Myth: You do not lose your fashion sense when you have kids and are fully aware that you look like you should be sitting home with a paper doing laundry or cleaning the bathroom but there is really nothing you can do about it because the only pair of jeans and t shirt you find as you are running to make it to daycare/work on time your 2.5 year old has just smeared with peanut butter or vommitted on
  
• Mom cliques do exist on the playground and they really ARE talking about you behind your back
• You lie and tell people the oreo cookies and twinkies your child is devouring are organic from Wholefoods
• Your child lives on apple juice but at least it isn't from concentrate
• There is a 5 minute rule in your house and you think  it can extend to the playground especially if it happens to be the pizza you just bought 
• Your child has gone to school in pajamas
• You live on lists and schedules
• You do bribe your child
• Your child will be the most amazing thing you have ever created

Finding Freedom

Today I have the first day off in so long I can't remember and don't quite know what to do with myself. I had one very early client and then brought Isa to school. I was going to try to make a Sculptworks class at Yogaworks, where I have a 2 week trial membership, but forgot my mat and just didn't feel like jogging there so I went to a yoga class instead. I think I needed it more. I needed to lie in a dark space and listen to the sounds of Manhattan from a safe bamboo room. Normally I do not like yoga but I know it is good for me. I know I need the stillness it can bring. I am trying to find my fit. So I felt better after this class. It was the perfect length and pace, and makes me sad my membership is nearly through. 

In fact, considering it is tax day I am feeling surprisingly calm. Now that my financial year is filed and cleaned I think I need to do the same with my apartment and life. I already picked up Isa from school-much to the confusion of the Director- so I could stay curled up all day if I wanted. I think instead I will try to organize and clean out my apartment instead. I need a change and a cleaning out of sorts. I need to be in a clearer space. 

I also think today is a good day for art. I found these images in my portfolio-they are so sad and pensive. I think I need to create some images that are a bit more alive.  We'll see if I get to that. I am making it a rule to have a list but not to force myself to stick to it. I need a bit more space and freedom in life. Isa is teaching me to be a bit more carefree.

Butterfly

So I find myself once again at transitional roads. I guess that is life. As much as I love the transformational aspect of life it also makes me scared and uncomfortable- especially if it is done without my choosing. I am such a control freak. Isa loves caterpillars- she is currently obsessed with them turning into butterflies. I find it amusing that I feel like a caterpillar a lot these days just waiting for my cocoon so I can transform into something beautiful. 

Let me start first with the boring- I am rearranging this blog. I feel I am getting tired and bored with myself and if I am, I'm sure anyone else who is reading this is. So I am changing it a bit. It will still have the same feel but be a bit less structured. I'm thinking it will change as I do until I get something that feels right-just humor me this life crisis. 

What actually sparked all this is an experimental Pilates/Art Therapy group I had. I needed to put into action these two modalities so that I could see what worked and what didn't. I needed a group of people so I asked friends, acquaintances, clients, etc. to come. Everyone seemed excited which made me excited. I sent out numerous emails and everyone confirmed and then of course the night came and 3 people out of 10 came. The majority of those who did not attend and who did not call to let me know they were not attending were my "friends". The group didn't go great. I need more work, but I expected that a bit. My friends not showing up brought a clear picture- I need new friends. It isn't the first time. This has been happening since I had Isa and since I went through crap with my Ex. My friends just don't seem so supportive when it gets to the hard stuff. Of course I need to say here I have some pretty amazing friends also-I'm more discussing a particular category. I think we all have them. My therapist calls them historical friends. The kind of people who have been in our life for so long we depend on them and yet maybe they are not really what is best. So after being hurt one too many times I've decided to make new friends. 

It is odd and awkward for me to make new friends and yet I'm trying. I'm reaching out. I'm using the playground and the Mommy's group I belong to. I'm trying my best. It feels a bit like dating, which we all know I suck at. But I'm trying. Mom's are a safe group to befriend because they are dealing with a lot of the same thing. A lot of us were thrown into a new world where most of the time we are confused and just hoping we aren't found out for doing things wrong. So I'm starting there, and hoping to find new friends who are supportive and reliable. I think I've already found a few good candidates so things are looking up. It sounds weird to be in search of friends. Something that should be so natural, but as we get older and we no longer of social networks at our disposal it gets more difficult. 

I watch Isa on the playground and we are working on social skills. I am teaching her how to introduce herself and make friends. It's funny that we are going through this parallel process. It is even more ironic how simple it is for kids. She has gotten good at this game. 

"Hi. I'm Isa want to play?" and bam off they go. Usually the other mom and I make small talk and stand awkwardly pretending to be engaged and fascinated by our children. It just isn't as easy anymore, but why not? 

I always imagined having  lots of people around when I had a child. I wanted them to grow up around friends and a loving family. I pictured happily married parents enviously in love and friends all around. I couldn't get the happily married thing down but I still feel like I can give her this. I want Isa to grow surrounded by caring people, and this I feel I can give her. 

The Guidebook

Today I turned down a job. 

I know it doesn't sound so amazing or big of a deal, but it is. All my life I have been able to follow my own way, my own path, and yet now that I have Isa I am beginning to question how right that is. Of course I need extra money but I also need stability and health insurance and those grown up things we are suppose to have at my age. So I applied for a job. Well, actually I applied for two but only made it to one interview. I thought about it, processed it, talked it over and over, and then followed my gut and said, "No'. It is a risk. I may not really "make it" if I continue pursuing my own path as a Pilates instructor and Art Therapist, but I think I need to try. 

Another big factor in my decision was that it would take me away from Isabella. There would be 2 days a week that I would barely see her. I just can't do that. I thought maybe I could but her voice saying, "Don't go Mommy" every time I leave for work makes my heart hurt. I think it is better for her and for me to continue on. Make our way and figure it out as we go. I think working in a more stable environment would be safe but I think I would regret what I was giving up. So I am feeling a bit better about turning the position down. I have already begun to make more progress toward my Art Therapy career. 

Isa is asleep right now, and I can't help but wonder how she will interpret this part of her life. I think as parents we hope for the best. At least I do. Hope I do enough, hope she gets enough, hope she doesn't hate me, and majorly hope I don't mess her up too much. I have no choice but to work and I feel selfish at times that I am so passionate about what I do because I enjoy my work. I hope she appreciates that and appreciates me when she gets older. I think at this age they tend to hold onto memories a bit more, but I wonder how much of what we do daily is truly planting the webs of her life. It is scary and fascinating to me that every choice we make effects our children and contributes to the type of person they will be. I know I don't make the best decisions all the time, but I try. I also know it is hard being a parent. You are all of a sudden the decision maker and the authority figure and yet if you are at all like me you have no clue what that means. Have the time I make stuff up as I go. 

Like life, there is no guidebook for being a parent. We all make it up as we go and hope for the best, and if we fail we try, try again.