Blah Days

Yet another Blah day here in New York City.  The weather is beginning to give hints of the grey winter days to come, and as much as the city is trying to disguise it with premature Christmas decorations it doesn't seem to work.  In fact I think to be reminded of the short distance between now and Christmas and holidays in general is cruel and anxiety producing. So bring on Halloween please, but Santa can stay in the Pole for a bit longer. 

Making the best of these blah cold drizzly days I have forced myself to get out of my warm hole. Last night I was lucky enough to be a guest at the Vanity Fair and Christopher Reeve foundation party hosted by my fabulous friend Francesco Clark (of Clark Botanicals).  He is a true inspiration.  I try to make this site about myself but also about inspiring others to move forward and discover their true strength.  He completely lives true to this.  After an accident left him paralyzed he could easily have crawled into the black hole of self pity, but instead continues to rebel against statistics and disbelievers.  He is seeking and participating in innovative research, but he is also living life as a participant and not as a victim. Last night it was nice to see so many people turn out in support of his work and the work of others in the Christopher Reeve foundation.  

So not only did Francesco make me leave my warm house where I can hide away, but he also made me leave downtown and go uptown to 5th avenue no less. For a while I was thinking that I should begin investigating my alternatives in the dating department.  I should move away from the overeducated artists I'm use to and try out those from the other side of Manhattan (the Uptown crew). I'm thinking now that I just don't think I can do it. I don't think galas and parties are a viable form of entertainment, and I can't attend a charity function as a means to be seen as opposed to a show of support for the cause. Perhaps I can use this as another reason to hide. I may be a bit naive to believe that there truly are men out there with depth and also who have ambition and jobs. I made the mistake before of not trusting my instincts and settling for someone who seemed like they had potential to change into a better person.  I just can't settle again.  I want someone who is already a better person and believes in more than parties and clothes or football and beer. I'm not sure that person exists but am still hoping they do, and of course that they are straight. Hmm. A lot to ask for in these city streets I know. 

So like the weather I too am feeling a bit Blah and discouraged these days. But unlike the city of New York I can't pretend to dress up my feelings with festive decor. Well, except for Halloween of course.  The glitter and feathers are quietly drying on Isa's costume....more to come on that.

My Monster

The past few weeks have been a blur of calls and email and work work work, and I am not complaining at all.  However, I have seemed to have neglected many of my other priorities - mainly this blog site.  So Thank You all for being so patient, and of course again I love that people actually read this.  Although I must say I am trying to ignore that fact in order to continue to write. 

So in the midst of all this amazing press (including the fabulous little piece with Julia Stiles who is as amazing a person as she is an actress - and NO I am NOT saying that because you are reading this Julia but because it is true) I have neglected to write about some of the other things in my life.  Mainly Isabella.  She is definitely going through her own battle right now with my new schedule change.  Here are just a few highlights that you may relate to or just enjoy.....ahh my life is just so glamorous.  

Two weeks ago when I went to pick Isa up from school her teacher looked at me with a sad yet serious face and broke the news that Isa was biting all the boys in her class.  When I turned to ask Isa if this was true she tilted her head to one side with big eyes  and said, "Mommy. I eat people." As if this was just an acceptable fact. Now I probably should have contained myself until I left the school, but really I couldn't help but laugh. Of course the situation continued to get worse, and most boys were leaving with my daughter's teeth marks somewhere on their body. I tried to discuss this with her and give her "Time Out" but it rarely happened outside school and to give a child a "Time Out" for something happening hours before is a bit ridiculous. 

I was quickly becoming the bad parent in the eyes of the school. The director was talking to me like I was a 16 year old single Mom instead of someone who use to be a child therapist. Each day she would try to impart some wisdom on me about raising my child. Of course when I went to her directly to ask her suggestions on what should be done she tried (and failed) to print me a piece of paper on biting and how to stop my child. Ummm...just a thought but perhaps it could be because for the first month or so in school my child had to stand alone and be a witness to the other children in her class cry non stop when their parents left. Isa has already gone through her separation stage being that she has been with a babysitter practically since birth. So as other children were in tears Isa was left alone because she was , "so good we don't need to worry about her." So not that I'm analysing the situation, but if you can't get attention through crying than biting definitely does the trick. 

Eventually she grew out of biting, and a week later moved on to kissing all the boys in her class. So now as Halloween approaches we have another situation. While all the other 2 year-olds will be dressed as princesses and animals my child will be a flying monster. I tried to soften it by asking if she wanted to be a nice monster, but again she looked at me with those eyes and said, "No Mommy. I want to be a scary monster." Well at least it is a step up from the demon baby she wanted to be a few weeks ago.  

Resilience

Way back when I was pursuing my Art Therapy career there was some debate about resiliency. Basically why do some people have it and others not - similar to the nurture versus nature debate. I was working with women who had been sexually abused in early childhood, and some of these women had been able to take their histories and use it to help themselves become stronger while others never were able to take that first step toward healing.  So why did these women with similar stories turn out so differently? There have been papers written about this that do more justice to the topic than I could right now, but it fascinates me.

I have this deep interest in why people are they way they are.  How do life stories mold us and change us.  Even how do the literal stories of our youth influence the people we become. (Personally, I was big on Pippy Longstocking and Pollyanna not sure what that says about me). I can tell you that my own story has such a mix of tragedy and good fortune that I think it kept me balanced. I also have a pretty cool family. 

What I think we spoke about the most as a turning point for these girls in childhood is that if even one person believed their story it could make all the difference. That suck with me. I think that it is important to remember that even if we know for a fact that what a person is saying is false; in some circumstances it is important to believe them. By doing this we begin to "see" this person, and they begin to "see" us.  A relationship is born, and a story is told.  Telling a story builds strength and is often a turning point, and to be the person on the other end is the most amazing feeling because you are being trusted with something powerful, vulnerable, and fragile.  To be blessed to hold the story of an other is like nothing else.  It is what happens next that can change everything.  

When the story is told and the secret is out it is what happens in the face of the audience that makes all the difference.  The expression on your face tells them if they are real or not.  If the storyteller feels believed there is usually a sense of validation and knowledge that things will somehow be OK.  This is the beginning step to a path of healing.  I think this is the crossroads to resilience.  The seed of strength is planted here.  

Think to your own stories and when you had a secret or something you felt shame about and released it by sharing with a trusted soul.  This has happened to me several times in my life. To have someone else listen to my story and cry, tell me I'm not crazy, or that my feelings are exactly as they should be made all the difference.  

I think all this deep thought came from my day at the Ali Forney clinic.  I sat in on a group and most of the kids were outspoken and hilarious, but there was one who was so deep within himself I hurt for him. I wanted so bad to pull him aside, take him in, have him trust me to hold his story, but he had his strongest armor on today.  The more I tried to be open to him the deeper he climbed inside his cave.  I know as a therapist it also is not good to allow someone to open up to you if they do not have a support system when you leave.  These kids go back to the streets often to prostitution or drugs and need their protection. So how do you help build resilience and strength without opening up to much?

This is where my Pilates analogy always fits.  I take on this issue much the same way I take on Pilates with injured clients. You can't take something away without building something else in return. If someone is extremely tight and I stretch and release those muscles completely the pain will travel to the next closest place. In therapy, if a client opens up too much without the support it actually becomes a step backward and can be detrimental or at times dangerous.  It's a process for a reason.  In today's world we are so into quick fixes and instant gratification, but with the body and mind we need to let things happen in time. Build and tear away. Similar to working in clay -that is how I work on the body and mind with another person. A perfect art therapy project right here would be to work together on building a sculpture - it is a relational process but will be destroyed if done too quickly.

Neck Stretch

props: theraband

• Tie a theraband to a door know so that it is doubled 
  
• Hold the other end with right hand and step far enough away that you feel some tension
  
• Pull abs in and stand straight, let head drop to left shoulder (ear to shoulder), draw right shoulder blade down rib cage for more of a stretch
  
• Turn head slightly down, hold 
  
• Turn head slightly up, hold
  

Repeat on other side

Risk Taking

In the past week so much has happened that my life is in the midst of enormous change and I feel I am just trying to keep up.  In fact most of the time I feel I am running as fast as possible chasing something being driven in a high speed car down the street in front of me.  I am so appreciative and touched by the outpouring of emails and comments from people over the past week.  I wish I could speak and write to each person, but I can barely remember to get dress in matching clothes in the morning.  I am especially touched by those emails written by children of Single Moms that are encouraging and tell me that it is ok that I work so much.  They give Isabella a voice.  I know by watching her that it is confusing and difficult to have our life changed so drastically, and I continue to feel stress over hurting her.  These voices from grown children give me permission to continue.  It means a lot to me to know that you now can understand why us Single Moms need to work so much and may not be there as much as we want.  But I hope you also know that, like myself,  your mothers I'm sure always carried half a broken heart because they needed to miss so much of your life.  It is a trade off and not a fair one.  

I am trying to wrap my head around all this attention, and the simple idea that in a few months time I may not be struggling to pay bills or stressing that I may be evicted.  The idea of not struggling is still so abstract to me that I'm not sure I can fully take that idea in just yet.  The concept of getting attention and having people care about what I do or say is also a bit odd but easier to accept. I built my practice on making others feel seen and yet it is still a main point of uncomfortability for me.  The idea of being seen or noticed makes me want to run and hide.  I'm not sure where this comes from really- I'm sure I could go into the deep resources of my teen years and find the culprit but I think at this point I really don't want to.  Sometimes it is better to acknowledge and move on without exploration and digging.  At least that's what I'm telling myself right now.

I realized this week that I have accomplished some major goals in my life.  I'm not talking about simply getting publicity because while I love that it was not truly me, but instead my amazing publicist that made that all happen.  What I think I am most proud of is the fact that I allowed myself to be put out there.  I was able to risk and take a chance.  I was at a point in my life where I felt I had nothing left to lose, and maybe that is what gave me the strength or maybe gave me the need to risk.  As scared as I am of failure and criticism I allowed myself to be vulnerable and allowed myself to be honest with the world.  I think so many people related to me because of this.  It was not fearlessness because believe me I'm scared shitless of what the future holds, but allowing myself to be seen without armor is new and terrifying.  I think I am not alone in that I have spent most of my life trying on different masks looking for the best fit.  I hid behind these masks like I did my relationships hoping not to be found out or discovered.  It was after my daughter was born and my ex began a downward spiral into alcoholism that I had no energy left to hide.  I think I was just too tired.  I also knew that in order to regain the power and esteem I had lost in this downward spiral I needed to be real and honest.  I no longer could survive by hiding.  I was sick of lies and games.  So I took a risk. I allowed myself to be vulnerable, and in doing so allowed myself to be open for attack.  So I threw it all out there, and I waited tensely to be shot with bows and arrows or stones.  But instead I was embraced.  It is a crazy feeling to expect something so awful and get kindness in return.  

I continue to put myself out there and be as honest as I can because I know now that my words are helping someone.  And if nothing else I owe it to Isabella.  I want her to be fearless as well as a risk taker.  I want her to be brave beyond believe.  So I am keeping the mask off for now, and seeing how it feels to live without a mask at all.  At the moment it is scary and uneasy but I bet I can get use to this to.  

Balance on the Roller

Props needed: Foam roller

• Carefully guide your spine down on a foam roller with knees bent and feet firmly planted to mat, hands too can be flat to mat
  
• Inhale, exhale and tighten abs so spine falls completely to roller
  
• Inhale, exhale and tighten abs to float right leg to table top, inhale, exhale float left leg to table top
  
• Inhale, exhale tuck chin to chest and curl forward, hands stay down to mat
  
• Find balance using abs
  
• Inhale, exhale extend one leg out to straight, inhale, exhale switch
  

Repeat 10 times on each leg

(Risk falling to find your balance and strength)

Thank you

While I am sitting here basking in the aftermath of Daily Candy I am touched by the emails and support I have received.  I needed to write a short entry tonight just to reach any of you who are checking back after glancing at the website earlier today.  Last night I was so nervous and uncertain of how today would go.  Starting something new always fills me with fear and excitement, but as I have stated before I have learned that I need to risk in life to survive and to live.  I am tired of hiding in fear or running away from any kind of spotlight so I am trying my best to conquer that fear of being seen and step out there into the vulnerability of the world.  I think deep down we all just need to be seen and to be recognized and yet it is a scary and vulnerable place to stand before a spot light.  

So basically what I am saying is I am trying not to just send a mass email with a general response because the type of emails I am getting for the most part of from people who need more than that.  So it may take me a bit, but know I am going to respond to each of you and am so amazed at the people who were touched by my story.  

This has been a remarkable day and I am hoping there will be more like it. I was a bit afraid at first to get the calls and emails but as soon as I forced myself to listen to the messages and read through emails I realized that there are so many real true people just looking to be seen.  I look forward to reaching each of you, hearing from more and hopefully meeting a majority of you soon.  

Thank you for the response and I will try my best to work through these emails tonight.

Breathe for Relaxation (best done with a cup of warm tea nearby)

• Sit with legs crossed in lotus (also referred to as "criss cross applesauce" or  "Indian Style")
  
• Close your eyes and place your hands on your navel
  
• Inhale expand your abs into your hand and exhale contract your abs away from your hand
  
• After a few reps of this place your hands to your thighs and allow the rhythm of your breath to guide you
  
• Slowly allow your body to relax and melt tension away (sometimes it helps to completely tense and then relax your body
  
• Stay hear as long as it takes allowing your mind and body to attune with nature and find balance beyond the busyness of the world
  

Give me Strength

All summer and September I have been working really hard and stressing a lot and nothing happened-except of course I struggled nearly every day.  I know mercury was retrograde, but still I expected something to happen. Then all of a sudden its the last day of September and the skies open and everything changes immediately and overwhelmingly.  So now I'm completely freaking out.  

As I mentioned previously I have a new publicist who rocks.  She has helped me focus and has completely gotten me on the ball.  It doesn't hurt that she is also one damn cool chick.  OK to save her embarrassment I'm moving on.

So tomorrow will be my first major break in the PR department because I will be featured on Daily Candy....one of the hottest blog sites out there.  The person I met through them was also one damn cool chick. I love that the people coming into my life these days are so amazing and full of good energy. 

So basically today I felt as I often do before something major might change my life (or before going on a date).  Yep you guessed it. Vomit! I  had that anxious feeling where I want to either lose my appetite all together or purge all contents previously contained within my stomach. 

I know things need to change. I mean as a single mom I have to be realistic and know that the few hours a week I have been working will not pay the increasing bills.  So I am excited yet terrified because it is all unknown. The only thing I can do is hold my breath, close my eyes and jump in. Since leaving my ex this basically is how I have been living anyway.

Single Moms are a rare breed.  Moms in general are multitasking strong women, but single moms also have a hunger that forces us on. At times this is a true literal hunger... while our children may love peanut butter every day we tend not to (and neither do our hips).  I would not be writing this or doing any of the amazing things I am working on now if it were not for the need and choice (or lack there of) that I made over a year ago.  Leaving my ex has been liberating but also has forced me to get past any hesitation, pride or fear because I have to protect and provide for my child. I find myself doing things I never would have done prior to being a Mom (yeah singing on the street is par for the course).  I also find that I push myself harder and risk over and over because if I fail we both end up in a sad life. She needs to see that I tried everything and did not give up.

The thing about my situation is that if there is no money it is all on me to figure it out.  If Isa is sick it is me who has to stay up all night and go to the Dr. if necessary. As a single Mom in my situation I am responsible for everything and if I mess up no one can pick up the pieces.  OK I am lucky to have a great network of family and friends, but it is still up to me to be resourceful. I think single moms would make great CEOs and amazing business owners because we work from hunger, fear and survival.  We do not play games but instead tend to get to the point because we do not have the time or care to sugar coat things or be anything less than up front. People are in or out.  If they choose to be in we often take the risk to trust and be loyal, and if they are out then we move on without much thought. It sounds harsh but there is no extra time or brain space for game playing and cuteness.  This makes us good at survival in business, life and YES! dating.   

As I become more use to my role as a single Mom I am gaining more and more respect for those who have had this role much longer than me.  Those who have more than one child and go to school at night while working in the day and still get a mother of the year award.  It is a difficult role and very under-appreciated, but I am seeing that it builds an incredible strength.  

Teaser (advanced)

• Lie flat on floor with arms extended over head and legs extended and squeezed together
  
• Inhale tuck chin
  
• Exhale using abdominals curl up as legs lift up, bring arms to ceiling
  
• Slightly tuck pelvis as collar bone is open to ceiling
  
• Hold here and take 3 deep breaths - every exhale deepen the abdominals
  
• Slowly, with control, lower legs and spine to floor, 1 vertebrae at a time