As I sit here my main thoughts are that I NEED to write in this Blog and yet have nothing to report. Sadly I am blocked. Completely and utterly burnt out and blocked. So I guess I can bore you all with how blocked I am or open up the forum a bit and allow you all to give me your advice and success stories on how to unblock myself. What worked for you?
I feel as if I am in this place a lot - this blocked blah depressive place. I crave movement and yet am not moving. Sadly, I am not doing any of those things I love (running, art, etc.) but instead I am concentrating on the practicalities of life (work, budget, TAXES!!!!) so I am a bit overwhelmed and blocked. I do tend to be in this place a lot in life and of course I make it through and become inspired again, but this place of unwanted stillness is so difficult to live in. I think I could easily be an agoraphobic who works from home, orders Netflix and takeout and never goes out into the world. This is why I choose to live in the city and work in jobs that require me to be around people all day. I read recently a book in which the main character was a greeting card artist. I think that sounds like a good career. I Googled it- it actually exists. People actually get paid to paint pictures for greeting cards. I think I need to try this- I'll let you know how it goes (I'm only half kidding).
As much as I may crave being home more and being with Isa more, I love my work. I love helping people and seeing them inspired by their strength. I have been missing my work as a therapist a lot these days. I think this is partly why I have been feeling so blocked. I miss that role I played. I miss the energy of it. I am looking into opportunities that may bring me back into it somehow.
I have several branches I am working on right now, but they are all waiting to be fulfilled. It is so difficult to wait. To continue to feel inspired while waiting.
Tree Pose (I know not Pilates but YOGA....I need to break out of my ordinary routine)
1. Stand with the feet together and the arms by your sides
2. Bend the right leg at the knee, raise the right thigh and bring the sole of the right foot as high up the inside of the left thigh as possible.
3. Balancing on the left foot, raise both arms over the head keeping the elbows soft and joining the palms together. Hold the posture while breathing gently through the nostrils for about 10 complete breaths.
4. Lower the arms and right leg,standing position with feet together and arms at the sides. Pause for a few moments and repeat on the opposite leg.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Exercise Work Etc
Ahh. The holidays are definitely gone, but they left behind a few extra pounds of love perhaps to inspire me to hit the gym. I realize as a trainer I should love exercise and I do but I do not love the gym. Maybe it is because I don't have the funds to belong to a fancy fancy gym, but there is something about having lots of space and being alone that I crave about exercise. It is my time to be free- no one can touch me then I LOVE that! Being a mom and working with people all day it is relaxing to be away from it all. Unfortunately, I hate the cold so for now if I workout it is at home or in the gym. The plus side is I am finding some great work out DVDs (check my new Amazon Store for those recommedations ;-)). I am also trying out some new classes in different studios throughout the city.
All this leads to some new happenings for me. I am constantly trying to find a way to change and better this blog so that it gives those who care about my happenings and thoughts a place to enjoy that but also can provide some tangible fitness ideas and suggestions. I am still working on this so as I figure it out my Blog will change. Suggestions are always welcomed. In the meantime I am continuing to just write and express whatever idea runs across my brain. It has been an exhausting and busy week so not many amusing thoughts. I have been working a lot (which is good for money reasons not so good for mental reasons). I have also been doing a lot of publicity.
Check these out if you missed them:
Time Out Kids (unfortunately not the best photo of us)
LXTV (this was so much fun)
I'm going to try to check out some great classes this week in New York City so send your suggestions this way and maybe I can get to them. I'll post my honest reports right here.
Sorry this is such a lame entry. I'll be more exciting next time I promise.
Standing Leg Series (I think standing is best since I'll fall asleep if lying on my side)
Hold on to a chair if you need balance but do not lean into it
For all leg exercises have pelvis neutral and hip bones facing forward, abs in of course
1. Lift leg to side in parallel
2. Turn out (toes face ceiling) foot flexed and lft leg
3. Turn in (toes face floor) foot flexed heel lifts to ceiling
4. Circles point toe in parallel - both directions
5. Clams - bend knee to 90 degrees and heel to inside of calf or knee on standing leg, turn bent knee to parallel and then open again
Repeat each 10-15 times and then switch sides
All this leads to some new happenings for me. I am constantly trying to find a way to change and better this blog so that it gives those who care about my happenings and thoughts a place to enjoy that but also can provide some tangible fitness ideas and suggestions. I am still working on this so as I figure it out my Blog will change. Suggestions are always welcomed. In the meantime I am continuing to just write and express whatever idea runs across my brain. It has been an exhausting and busy week so not many amusing thoughts. I have been working a lot (which is good for money reasons not so good for mental reasons). I have also been doing a lot of publicity.
Check these out if you missed them:
Time Out Kids (unfortunately not the best photo of us)
LXTV (this was so much fun)
I'm going to try to check out some great classes this week in New York City so send your suggestions this way and maybe I can get to them. I'll post my honest reports right here.
Sorry this is such a lame entry. I'll be more exciting next time I promise.
Standing Leg Series (I think standing is best since I'll fall asleep if lying on my side)
Hold on to a chair if you need balance but do not lean into it
For all leg exercises have pelvis neutral and hip bones facing forward, abs in of course
1. Lift leg to side in parallel
2. Turn out (toes face ceiling) foot flexed and lft leg
3. Turn in (toes face floor) foot flexed heel lifts to ceiling
4. Circles point toe in parallel - both directions
5. Clams - bend knee to 90 degrees and heel to inside of calf or knee on standing leg, turn bent knee to parallel and then open again
Repeat each 10-15 times and then switch sides
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Hope in Tragedy
Having another one of those weeks where my brain isn't functioning so well. Woke up at around 2am in a panic over my debt and being a single Mom in general. I often have these thoughts of being alone at 80, Isa grown and gone, no savings, and no one to care if I fall down the stairs. Completely unreasonable I know but there are times I go deep into my black hole.
I think back a lot to my days when I was working in a Domestic Violence shelter with women who had multiple children and no income. I can understand there fear and despair a bit better now than I did then. Often I was frustrated by these women, but now I get it. I think there are so many stories out there from women who have made it through and I use that as inspiration. I know I have had it fairly easy- having so many people in my life who have helped me through. Some of the women I worked with never had anyone tell them they were on the right path or that they did the right thing. They left abusive situations and sometimes went back but often times did not. There was one woman I remember who was gorgeous and strong. She left Africa to come to the USA for a better opportunity. While in Africa she was run out of her home when men tried to kill her father. Later in life she married and had a son. Her son had a form of autism and perhaps because of this her husband was exceptionally cruel. He would hold guns to her head and to her sons head. She eventually escaped and was extremely thankful to find refuge at the shelter. She was one of the few women who had to pay to be there because she refused to give up her job.
The shelter system is still a bit confusing to say the least. It is not enough to be abused. In order to receive government help you also need to give up everything. Thinking of what that means makes me even more amazed at what these women go through. They have nothing to hold on to that gives them a sense of identity outside of their children. Nothing that tells them they can do it on their own. It use to be that women would often get an apartment of their own by the end of their stay in the shelter, but now housing is difficult to obtain. Often they are leaving one shelter to go to another and then another after that. I know from having travelled with Isabella that even staying one night in a different location can be stressful. It brought me to tears- I can't imagine having to do it often. If you do not know the ways of the shelter system. This is the gist of the way it was when I was there. Keep in mind budget cuts have made it even harder now. If you are a woman with children you are put in a priority list and most often given shelter in one of the many shelters in NYC. If you area woman without children leaving an abusive situation you do not have this option. Abused mothers will first make the phone call to Safe Horizons and then be passed through to a shelter who will screen the case and make a decision based on need and criteria to admit or deny the case. The woman will then be called back and told she has a time limit to get to the shelter or she will be told she does not fit the shelter's qualifications. If accepted the woman is told to go to the nearest police precinct where she will be met by a staff person from the shelter. Often times she will have her belongings in a few bags or garbage bags. The family is take n to shelter and given enough food and household items for the next few days and shown to their room. This would be a Tier ! shelter- the family is allowed to stay for 30 -90 days. In my experience the apartments have been nice and clean and somewhat large, but I know others exist that are not this way. Over the next few days they will tell their abuse story and life history several imes. They will see several therapists and have to begin paperwork for housing and welfare. They will be inundated with things that are needed from them and their children will need to begin a new school almost immediately. There will be many people showing up on their doorstep and asking for things. They will be expected to be friendly and appreciative and open. And yet they will not be given the time and space to mourn what they have lost. There will be a rapid movement and feelings will have to be shut down to get through what needs to get through. Often there will be a change in the personality of the client and they will begin to show their true self. Most of the time they will taste freedom for the first time. Then as they begin to feel safe , perhaps for the first time, they will be told it is time to leave. In the lucky cases they will have an easy case and things will move swiftly through the government process. They will find an apartment that fits their budget and the amount and qualifications alloted by the State. In many cases they will not have this and will need to move to another shelter- a Tier II. These are not as nice but there can still be a sense of community. I did a few groups at one of these as well. The women often have their own apartment but these are not as private and nice as the Tier I. They are not supported by staff to share their feelings and are not encouraged in groups to discuss what has happened to them. They are there to get housing and to move on. I saw a woman who was at my Tier I and was moved to tier II. It just so happens that she was also in the group I was doing in the Tier II. The change I saw in her was that she was more depressed. More quiet. Her son, who was a smiling 6 month old when he first arrived, was regressed and tempermental. It was not uplifting. So if they can not get Tier II placement they are sent to EAU- the public shelter. They are sent to sit with every homeless person in the city in a building that is too small and too overpopulated. There is not enough that can be done and often they are to sit all day waiting to be called, Hoping to be placed in a shelter. Often they are not and so they wait. Or they give up hope and they return to their abuser.
Often we do not hear again from the women sent to these shelters. As a mom I know that I would do anything for my child. I also know from leaving a bad situation with my Ex that there is a big part of who you are that needs to shut down when you need to find safety for your child The focus is on existing through the day and looking for what is safe for your child. I only had one child and I always had a place to go because of my brother. I was not physically abused and the apartment was in my name. There was a lot I did not need to deal with. These women are in most cases younger than me. the average age is 25. They often have multiple children. They may or may not have had jobs. They are alone and unsupportive. There is an amazing sense of being trapped. To begin to explore feelings is to open a deep well of sadness and panic. I can't even imagine it, but I can understand it. I was on the edges of that despair but I always knew in my mind I would never truly be allowed to fall.
So why do I write about this. It is not to bring depression and panic to everyone else so that I feel company. I think over the past week I have felt a sense of hopelessness in watching clips from Haiti. I do not have a television and cannot see or hear the current sense of fear and despair. I have a friend there now who is a journalist and says it is the worst disaster he has ever seen. I saw footage of a 13 year old girl being pulled from rubble and I cried while watching a public TV in my gym. The sense of loss and despair os unimaginable and uncomprehensible. It is enough to freeze the world and make us panic in our own way. It has made me think back to those who I saw as strong and think of the daily strengths and also injustices that go on around us.
There is a lot of destruction in the world- some controlled and some not. It is what we do with that destruction that makes the difference. Do we try to help in anyway we can even simply by acknowledging that it exists or do we continue on as we have ignoring the truth. I want to continue to acknowledge the pain, try to be a small part of the solution or the comfort, and also continue to live. It is a difficult thing to live in the wake of disaster. There is a sense of guilt that accompanies being healthy and having a roof over our heads, but it is important to live. So there are times in this Blog that I write about mundane things such as going to the park with Isa or having to share the swings with supermodels and I will continue to write about these mundane activities. These are realities and so important because they are trivial and carefree. It is important that within something so tragic that something so mundane must exist. So as much as it may stun an observer- I hope that today there is a child or group of children that are finding something to laugh about or a ball to kick or a game to play. As inapporpriate as it may seem this mundane and "normal" activity is what will help to make the children and people of Haiti begin to live again. The devastation is overwhelming and I know I do not know the half of it. So to find a 13 year old girl in rubble and pull her from it brings hope, but they also will need money and food and medical attention. I am sure by now everyone has seen or heard how to contribute and here are a few foundations I have heard of and seen to be loyal and reputable. I wish there was more I could do but I know that for now money is the most needed.
Red Cross
Madre
Child's Pose
1. Begin with hands underneath the shoulders, knees underneath the hips
2. Place hips onto the heels, keeping arms in front, C-curve in spine, knees open toes and together
3. Rest forehead on the floor
4. Relax and breathe deeply
I think back a lot to my days when I was working in a Domestic Violence shelter with women who had multiple children and no income. I can understand there fear and despair a bit better now than I did then. Often I was frustrated by these women, but now I get it. I think there are so many stories out there from women who have made it through and I use that as inspiration. I know I have had it fairly easy- having so many people in my life who have helped me through. Some of the women I worked with never had anyone tell them they were on the right path or that they did the right thing. They left abusive situations and sometimes went back but often times did not. There was one woman I remember who was gorgeous and strong. She left Africa to come to the USA for a better opportunity. While in Africa she was run out of her home when men tried to kill her father. Later in life she married and had a son. Her son had a form of autism and perhaps because of this her husband was exceptionally cruel. He would hold guns to her head and to her sons head. She eventually escaped and was extremely thankful to find refuge at the shelter. She was one of the few women who had to pay to be there because she refused to give up her job.
The shelter system is still a bit confusing to say the least. It is not enough to be abused. In order to receive government help you also need to give up everything. Thinking of what that means makes me even more amazed at what these women go through. They have nothing to hold on to that gives them a sense of identity outside of their children. Nothing that tells them they can do it on their own. It use to be that women would often get an apartment of their own by the end of their stay in the shelter, but now housing is difficult to obtain. Often they are leaving one shelter to go to another and then another after that. I know from having travelled with Isabella that even staying one night in a different location can be stressful. It brought me to tears- I can't imagine having to do it often. If you do not know the ways of the shelter system. This is the gist of the way it was when I was there. Keep in mind budget cuts have made it even harder now. If you are a woman with children you are put in a priority list and most often given shelter in one of the many shelters in NYC. If you area woman without children leaving an abusive situation you do not have this option. Abused mothers will first make the phone call to Safe Horizons and then be passed through to a shelter who will screen the case and make a decision based on need and criteria to admit or deny the case. The woman will then be called back and told she has a time limit to get to the shelter or she will be told she does not fit the shelter's qualifications. If accepted the woman is told to go to the nearest police precinct where she will be met by a staff person from the shelter. Often times she will have her belongings in a few bags or garbage bags. The family is take n to shelter and given enough food and household items for the next few days and shown to their room. This would be a Tier ! shelter- the family is allowed to stay for 30 -90 days. In my experience the apartments have been nice and clean and somewhat large, but I know others exist that are not this way. Over the next few days they will tell their abuse story and life history several imes. They will see several therapists and have to begin paperwork for housing and welfare. They will be inundated with things that are needed from them and their children will need to begin a new school almost immediately. There will be many people showing up on their doorstep and asking for things. They will be expected to be friendly and appreciative and open. And yet they will not be given the time and space to mourn what they have lost. There will be a rapid movement and feelings will have to be shut down to get through what needs to get through. Often there will be a change in the personality of the client and they will begin to show their true self. Most of the time they will taste freedom for the first time. Then as they begin to feel safe , perhaps for the first time, they will be told it is time to leave. In the lucky cases they will have an easy case and things will move swiftly through the government process. They will find an apartment that fits their budget and the amount and qualifications alloted by the State. In many cases they will not have this and will need to move to another shelter- a Tier II. These are not as nice but there can still be a sense of community. I did a few groups at one of these as well. The women often have their own apartment but these are not as private and nice as the Tier I. They are not supported by staff to share their feelings and are not encouraged in groups to discuss what has happened to them. They are there to get housing and to move on. I saw a woman who was at my Tier I and was moved to tier II. It just so happens that she was also in the group I was doing in the Tier II. The change I saw in her was that she was more depressed. More quiet. Her son, who was a smiling 6 month old when he first arrived, was regressed and tempermental. It was not uplifting. So if they can not get Tier II placement they are sent to EAU- the public shelter. They are sent to sit with every homeless person in the city in a building that is too small and too overpopulated. There is not enough that can be done and often they are to sit all day waiting to be called, Hoping to be placed in a shelter. Often they are not and so they wait. Or they give up hope and they return to their abuser.
Often we do not hear again from the women sent to these shelters. As a mom I know that I would do anything for my child. I also know from leaving a bad situation with my Ex that there is a big part of who you are that needs to shut down when you need to find safety for your child The focus is on existing through the day and looking for what is safe for your child. I only had one child and I always had a place to go because of my brother. I was not physically abused and the apartment was in my name. There was a lot I did not need to deal with. These women are in most cases younger than me. the average age is 25. They often have multiple children. They may or may not have had jobs. They are alone and unsupportive. There is an amazing sense of being trapped. To begin to explore feelings is to open a deep well of sadness and panic. I can't even imagine it, but I can understand it. I was on the edges of that despair but I always knew in my mind I would never truly be allowed to fall.
So why do I write about this. It is not to bring depression and panic to everyone else so that I feel company. I think over the past week I have felt a sense of hopelessness in watching clips from Haiti. I do not have a television and cannot see or hear the current sense of fear and despair. I have a friend there now who is a journalist and says it is the worst disaster he has ever seen. I saw footage of a 13 year old girl being pulled from rubble and I cried while watching a public TV in my gym. The sense of loss and despair os unimaginable and uncomprehensible. It is enough to freeze the world and make us panic in our own way. It has made me think back to those who I saw as strong and think of the daily strengths and also injustices that go on around us.
There is a lot of destruction in the world- some controlled and some not. It is what we do with that destruction that makes the difference. Do we try to help in anyway we can even simply by acknowledging that it exists or do we continue on as we have ignoring the truth. I want to continue to acknowledge the pain, try to be a small part of the solution or the comfort, and also continue to live. It is a difficult thing to live in the wake of disaster. There is a sense of guilt that accompanies being healthy and having a roof over our heads, but it is important to live. So there are times in this Blog that I write about mundane things such as going to the park with Isa or having to share the swings with supermodels and I will continue to write about these mundane activities. These are realities and so important because they are trivial and carefree. It is important that within something so tragic that something so mundane must exist. So as much as it may stun an observer- I hope that today there is a child or group of children that are finding something to laugh about or a ball to kick or a game to play. As inapporpriate as it may seem this mundane and "normal" activity is what will help to make the children and people of Haiti begin to live again. The devastation is overwhelming and I know I do not know the half of it. So to find a 13 year old girl in rubble and pull her from it brings hope, but they also will need money and food and medical attention. I am sure by now everyone has seen or heard how to contribute and here are a few foundations I have heard of and seen to be loyal and reputable. I wish there was more I could do but I know that for now money is the most needed.
Red Cross
Madre
Child's Pose
1. Begin with hands underneath the shoulders, knees underneath the hips
2. Place hips onto the heels, keeping arms in front, C-curve in spine, knees open toes and together
3. Rest forehead on the floor
4. Relax and breathe deeply
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Dreaming of Summer
I just finished watching Secret Lives of Bees. I’m not sure why it effected me so much but I cried nearly through the entire thing. It made me homesick for childhood in the summer country air with warm nights and a cool breeze, sitting on the deck with my brother and kids from the street. We often would sit out and catch fire flies. I don’t know what we did most of the time, but I remember being outside all day. We picked rasberries and blackberries from the yard and went exploring in the woods or cornfields. It seeemed like an enormous and endless field- like another country and yet now it doesn't seem like much. I use to pretend I had come across a mystical woods. There was one place if you passed all the way to the other side of the field where there were reminence of a farm house. You could see the outhouse still there and find old jars. There were abandoned cars and a small clearing with Indian Corn. It was our play-field as a kid. I miss that. I miss the smell of it and the freedom in it. I miss long empty days with bare-feet and dirt under my fingernails.
Dakota Fanning looks a lot like Isabella. I think I also was thinking of what Isa’s childhood will be like. It will be different than mine. I hope she continues to hold onto her passion and fire but also her sweetness. Tonight I curled up with her like most nights and said” I love you Isa, I love you so much.” She smiled a deep happy smile and instantly grabbed my neck and hugged me saying” Mommy, I love you too.” Sometimes I wonder who takes care of whom. She always seems so surprised and so amazed by my love. I think we take it for granted a lot that of course we love our children. I can’t imagine a love stronger than what I feel for my child, but I wonder if she feels it. I dont know if I felt it as a child and in this movie Lilly definitely doesn't feel it and doubts it the whole way through. So I think I need to tell Isa every day, and show her that my love for her is so deep nothing could ever stand in its way.
Mothers are a special breed. I think the stories of survival and strength could (and do) fill books, and I never tire of hearing them. I have another publicity shoot tomorrow. I should be nervous or excited but I dont feel anything. All I want is to be back in the summer air on the porch where all that matters is the sound of crickets and maybe popcorn popping. I guess that is where I am torn. I huge part of me wants to be on that country porch and yet I seem to be working hard to stay in the city and make a life for my daughter and I. Doesn't quite make sense. But I guess that is life and part of the journey. Roads don't always make sense but they always lead us Home (at least I hope so).
Cat Stretch (for lazy summer days)
1. Knee on hands and knees, spine in neutral (straight) with shoulders relaxed, knes under hips and hands under shoulders
2. Inhale, engage pelvic floor and lower Abdominals
3. Exhale, scoop Abdominals into spine, flex spine by curling tailbone toward head and lowering top of head toward floor
4. Inhale extend spine so back is arched like a cat stretching
5. Exhale back to neutral
Repeat 5-6 times
Dakota Fanning looks a lot like Isabella. I think I also was thinking of what Isa’s childhood will be like. It will be different than mine. I hope she continues to hold onto her passion and fire but also her sweetness. Tonight I curled up with her like most nights and said” I love you Isa, I love you so much.” She smiled a deep happy smile and instantly grabbed my neck and hugged me saying” Mommy, I love you too.” Sometimes I wonder who takes care of whom. She always seems so surprised and so amazed by my love. I think we take it for granted a lot that of course we love our children. I can’t imagine a love stronger than what I feel for my child, but I wonder if she feels it. I dont know if I felt it as a child and in this movie Lilly definitely doesn't feel it and doubts it the whole way through. So I think I need to tell Isa every day, and show her that my love for her is so deep nothing could ever stand in its way.
Mothers are a special breed. I think the stories of survival and strength could (and do) fill books, and I never tire of hearing them. I have another publicity shoot tomorrow. I should be nervous or excited but I dont feel anything. All I want is to be back in the summer air on the porch where all that matters is the sound of crickets and maybe popcorn popping. I guess that is where I am torn. I huge part of me wants to be on that country porch and yet I seem to be working hard to stay in the city and make a life for my daughter and I. Doesn't quite make sense. But I guess that is life and part of the journey. Roads don't always make sense but they always lead us Home (at least I hope so).
Cat Stretch (for lazy summer days)
1. Knee on hands and knees, spine in neutral (straight) with shoulders relaxed, knes under hips and hands under shoulders
2. Inhale, engage pelvic floor and lower Abdominals
3. Exhale, scoop Abdominals into spine, flex spine by curling tailbone toward head and lowering top of head toward floor
4. Inhale extend spine so back is arched like a cat stretching
5. Exhale back to neutral
Repeat 5-6 times
Thursday, January 7, 2010
100 Ramblings
I must admit that it is difficult to write about my life and what may help or be relevant to others. What seems to work best for me is simply writing random ramblings, and hopefully someone out there can make sense of it. I am having such a difficult time motivating and writing today. I tend to get into states of panic and fear a lot and it freezes all my creative and mental abilities. I think I also have so many things to write and at the same time none at all. So instead of a great and captivating rambling of my day I'm going to try something new.
100 Ramblings about me
1. I think too much
2. I analyze everything and everyone (I don't judge I analyze)
3. I hate confrontation and usually give in even when I know I'm right because I hate to fight
4. I hold on to things too long (both emotionally and materialistically)
5. I believe in ghosts and spirits and the unseen around us
6. I use to be afraid of the dark until about 6 months ago
7. I have a lot of friends, but only "let in" a very few
8. I fall in love very easily
9. I am always getting my heart broken
10. I like living in my small apartment because I can see everything that is going on
11. I love and hate living in NYC
12. I panic a lot
13. I am shy (terrifyingly)
14. I miss being a therapist but am afraid to go back to it because I may suck
15. I love my job
16. I love being a Mom
17. I miss my friend Liz
18. I want to be in a relationship but don't want to date
19. I hate wasting time
20. I tend to waste time a lot
21. I think I am inherently lazy
22. I LOVE coffee
23. I would love to be a painter with a bottomless grant so I could paint all day
24. I miss making art
25. I loved working at the Metropolitan Museum (even hough I was mean to all the visitors)
26. I have lots of great shoes but only wear sneakers and boots
27. I don't dress up much although I should
28. I hate the way makeup feels on my face
29. I hate heels and yet own a lot of them
30. I love jogging outside
31. I HATE jogging on the treadmill (but do it when it is cold outside)
32. I HATE the cold!!!!!!
33. I love psychics and witchcraft - it fascinates me
34. I am very intuitive
35. I am so glad I am a girl
36. I hate the camera and being photographed
37. Getting spa treatments and hair cuts make me uncomfortable
38. Being pampered makes me uncomfortable
39. OK I think just people looking at me makes me uncomfortable
40. My daughter loves being looked at - she is such a HAM and hilarious
41. I am a do-er not so much a taker
42. I am really bad at saving money
43. Thinking about how much money I owe in school loans for a degree I don't use keeps me up at night
44. I am still glad I went to Pratt for art therapy
45. I am also extremely proud to have finished my undergraduate degree - it took nearly 10 years
46. I didn't have a home for nearly a year when I was 20
47. That same year I was on the Dean's list at NYU
48. They "suggested" I leave the school because I didn't have enough money
49. I went to Hunter and loved it
50. Kiki Smith is still my favorite artist
51. I don't go to galleries as much as I use to
52. This makes me sad
53. When I paint or create artwork I forget about time and this world
54. Sadly I don't have time for that anymore
55. My Mom's cookies are the best and I just can't stop eating them
56. I hate working out and dieting when I need to
57. I am very stubborn
58. I hold grudges
59. I also forgive more than I should
60. I forgive almost everyone
61. I try to see the good in everyone (sometimes I need to look really hard but it is always there)
62. My neighbors annoy me
63. I love my job
64. I love the people I work with
65. I lived in Rome for 4 months
66. I hated it (and my bosses)
67. I ran away to Naples for the weekend and loved it
68. I quit (was fired) and took a train to Paris with tears streaming down my face as I left my best friend, Liz
69. 4 boys from Naples carried my bags on the train and we partied all the way to Paris in their cabin
70. Happiness returned
71. I love Paris
72. When I was 16 I moved to France for the summer to live with a French family
73. I was too shy to speak French
74. I spoke and read French fluently
75. I can barely understand any other languages now
76. My daughter is in a Mandarin/English preschool
77. She speaks Chinese and I have no clue what she says
78. I think she will be La femme Nikita when she turns 18
79. I have never been to Mexico
80. I have never even been to Florida
81. I love to travel but hate to fly
82. I love road trips
83. My first year of college was a lot about road trips and diners
84. I still love upstate NY (near Bard not so much near Albany)
85. Some day I think I will live in a small town but an artsy small town not one with Walmart
86. I hate that I love Walmart
87. I actually overheard a woman in Walmart tell her 4 year old son "get over here before I kick your Ass"
88. Walmart is very culturally diverse
89. I own a t-shirt from the Miley Cyrus collection
90. I bought it at Walmart
91. I am doing the Artist Way by Julia Cameron again
92. This may be why I am so creatively blocked
93. I put a lot of pressure on myself
94. I once left a therapist because she said I would never be #1 at anything
95. I lied to a lot of therapists and thought if they didn't know I was lying they were not good at their job
96. I love my current therapist (I think she is a little psychic)
97. I think I can be difficult sometimes
98. I want to date again
99. I don't want to get my heart broken ever again
100. This is a very therapeutic thing to do - I highly recommend it.
Reverse Plank (I need something different and yet challenging today)
1. Sit down with legs positioned pointing directly out in front of you.
2. Place your arms behind you with hands palm down on the floor fingers facing Glutes, straighten your arms.
3. Inhale and press up using your arms and lift your hips up towards the ceiling - maintain a straight line from your shoulders to the heels of your feet. Keep head curled and look toward navel.
4. Hold for about either 30 seconds or a minute.
Repeat 4 times.
Challenge with hamstrings
1. Remain in Reverse Plank
2. lower and lift hips to floor quickly while keeping arms engaged and squeezing inner thighs and hamstrings
20 times or more
100 Ramblings about me
1. I think too much
2. I analyze everything and everyone (I don't judge I analyze)
3. I hate confrontation and usually give in even when I know I'm right because I hate to fight
4. I hold on to things too long (both emotionally and materialistically)
5. I believe in ghosts and spirits and the unseen around us
6. I use to be afraid of the dark until about 6 months ago
7. I have a lot of friends, but only "let in" a very few
8. I fall in love very easily
9. I am always getting my heart broken
10. I like living in my small apartment because I can see everything that is going on
11. I love and hate living in NYC
12. I panic a lot
13. I am shy (terrifyingly)
14. I miss being a therapist but am afraid to go back to it because I may suck
15. I love my job
16. I love being a Mom
17. I miss my friend Liz
18. I want to be in a relationship but don't want to date
19. I hate wasting time
20. I tend to waste time a lot
21. I think I am inherently lazy
22. I LOVE coffee
23. I would love to be a painter with a bottomless grant so I could paint all day
24. I miss making art
25. I loved working at the Metropolitan Museum (even hough I was mean to all the visitors)
26. I have lots of great shoes but only wear sneakers and boots
27. I don't dress up much although I should
28. I hate the way makeup feels on my face
29. I hate heels and yet own a lot of them
30. I love jogging outside
31. I HATE jogging on the treadmill (but do it when it is cold outside)
32. I HATE the cold!!!!!!
33. I love psychics and witchcraft - it fascinates me
34. I am very intuitive
35. I am so glad I am a girl
36. I hate the camera and being photographed
37. Getting spa treatments and hair cuts make me uncomfortable
38. Being pampered makes me uncomfortable
39. OK I think just people looking at me makes me uncomfortable
40. My daughter loves being looked at - she is such a HAM and hilarious
41. I am a do-er not so much a taker
42. I am really bad at saving money
43. Thinking about how much money I owe in school loans for a degree I don't use keeps me up at night
44. I am still glad I went to Pratt for art therapy
45. I am also extremely proud to have finished my undergraduate degree - it took nearly 10 years
46. I didn't have a home for nearly a year when I was 20
47. That same year I was on the Dean's list at NYU
48. They "suggested" I leave the school because I didn't have enough money
49. I went to Hunter and loved it
50. Kiki Smith is still my favorite artist
51. I don't go to galleries as much as I use to
52. This makes me sad
53. When I paint or create artwork I forget about time and this world
54. Sadly I don't have time for that anymore
55. My Mom's cookies are the best and I just can't stop eating them
56. I hate working out and dieting when I need to
57. I am very stubborn
58. I hold grudges
59. I also forgive more than I should
60. I forgive almost everyone
61. I try to see the good in everyone (sometimes I need to look really hard but it is always there)
62. My neighbors annoy me
63. I love my job
64. I love the people I work with
65. I lived in Rome for 4 months
66. I hated it (and my bosses)
67. I ran away to Naples for the weekend and loved it
68. I quit (was fired) and took a train to Paris with tears streaming down my face as I left my best friend, Liz
69. 4 boys from Naples carried my bags on the train and we partied all the way to Paris in their cabin
70. Happiness returned
71. I love Paris
72. When I was 16 I moved to France for the summer to live with a French family
73. I was too shy to speak French
74. I spoke and read French fluently
75. I can barely understand any other languages now
76. My daughter is in a Mandarin/English preschool
77. She speaks Chinese and I have no clue what she says
78. I think she will be La femme Nikita when she turns 18
79. I have never been to Mexico
80. I have never even been to Florida
81. I love to travel but hate to fly
82. I love road trips
83. My first year of college was a lot about road trips and diners
84. I still love upstate NY (near Bard not so much near Albany)
85. Some day I think I will live in a small town but an artsy small town not one with Walmart
86. I hate that I love Walmart
87. I actually overheard a woman in Walmart tell her 4 year old son "get over here before I kick your Ass"
88. Walmart is very culturally diverse
89. I own a t-shirt from the Miley Cyrus collection
90. I bought it at Walmart
91. I am doing the Artist Way by Julia Cameron again
92. This may be why I am so creatively blocked
93. I put a lot of pressure on myself
94. I once left a therapist because she said I would never be #1 at anything
95. I lied to a lot of therapists and thought if they didn't know I was lying they were not good at their job
96. I love my current therapist (I think she is a little psychic)
97. I think I can be difficult sometimes
98. I want to date again
99. I don't want to get my heart broken ever again
100. This is a very therapeutic thing to do - I highly recommend it.
Reverse Plank (I need something different and yet challenging today)
1. Sit down with legs positioned pointing directly out in front of you.
2. Place your arms behind you with hands palm down on the floor fingers facing Glutes, straighten your arms.
3. Inhale and press up using your arms and lift your hips up towards the ceiling - maintain a straight line from your shoulders to the heels of your feet. Keep head curled and look toward navel.
4. Hold for about either 30 seconds or a minute.
Repeat 4 times.
Challenge with hamstrings
1. Remain in Reverse Plank
2. lower and lift hips to floor quickly while keeping arms engaged and squeezing inner thighs and hamstrings
20 times or more
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Things are looking Brighter
I have high hopes for 2010, and so far it hasn't let me down. So many people I'm close with have struggled in 2009 and I am hoping they too can celebrate in 2010- we all deserve some hope and ease. Today I went to see my favorite psychic, Dante (www.tarotbydante.com). I know, I know before any of you start rolling your eyes I must say this is a tradition for me and I am not trying to make anyone a believer or sell you on it at all. I don't need to hear any negative comments because like everything else in this Blog- I write about what works for me and my journey and not necessarily what should be done by others. So after that is all said and done this is why I went. Last year when my life was a mess and my brain couldn't hold much more I was given Dante's name. I thought about it for a while and held onto his card until one day I thought, "Hey what the Hell", and I made an appointment. A bit of back history here. I am completely comfortable with those unexplainable things of the world and many of my relatives have had unexplained psychic events so I am not a complete disbeliever but always a skeptic at first because there are a lot of fakes out there and negative energy people. Dante is not one of them - he works for me. So I arrived at his place that first time scared and tired and nearly broken, and he gave me hope. Not because he promised me happiness but because he processed what I needed and helped me to see the grey areas outside my tunnel vision. He opened my eyes to my life beyond my pain. So a year later I am not in the same place but feel as if I am again stuck in a place where I need my eyes to be opened to the world around me. Today he did not give me information completely different than what I suspected, but I did feel like I am on the right path. So for me my session is about processing and feels like a quick therapy session where the therapist actually can see your future and give you advice. So I am hopeful that finally I am on the right path in life and that gives me hope.
I wrote on Friday that Isabella and I had the perfect day to welcome in the New Year. Unfortunately, yesterday she was sick for most of the day. I had to go to work early and that meant snuggling her up in her warmest clothes and hugging her close so that we could make our way to my brother's apartment. My amazing brother continues to babysit her each morning and Saturday while I work. He wakes up hours before he needs to and makes Isa breakfast and listens to her babble. So I am even more grateful that on mornings when she is vomiting and cranky he still takes care of her for me because I can't afford not to work but also need to know she is safe and comfortable. So yesterday was one of those days. I was suppose to see another client after my morning sessions, but it would mean leaving Isa all afternoon, and she just wanted me to lie down with her. It is always a difficult choice between work and children, but I had to choose Isa on this one. I cancelled my client and spent the day lying next to her watching Cinderella on replay (about 20 times I think). I think I fell in love with my daughter even more.
A remarkable thing happened yesterday as well. While Isa was back home sick I had asked my Ex to come and watch her just in case I needed to go to my client's home. He came and helped by running errands and making soup. He also received a check and gave me enough money that I could actually pay my rent. It was completely unexpected and so necessary. I have been trying over the past few months to have him in Isa's life. He has been so inconsistent, but I am hoping that things do continue as they did yesterday. So with hope and a few eyes looking over my shoulder I will continue to find a way to have him in her life. It is a difficult path to allow space for someone who has hurt you so much, but it is what is best for Isa. She needs a Dad and she needs to know that he loves her.
I realize I complain a lot about my Ex and my life as a single mom, but I also know I am blessed. I have the most amazing daughter and there was a time where I thought I also had the most amazing man. There was a time I remember being pregnant and walking to work feeling like I was the luckiest person in the world. Things happen and people make choices out of our control and we just need to take them as lessons and learn from them. I came across a blog (http://www.mattlogelin.com) by a guy named Matt Logelin on www.mssinglemama.com and he reminded me that sometimes there are single parents out there who were not single by choice and who struggle but sometimes like Matt can see each day as a blessing and need to caring on for his amazing daughter. You may have heard of him before but if not you should check out his blog because he is quite inspiring and it is always hopeful to see that there are good guys out there.
So far this year looks inspiring and hopeful.
Swimming
(because today is really cold in NYC and I am wishing for warmth, and because I feel I am swimming toward a better future)
1. Lie on your stomach with the legs straight and together.
2. Keep your shoulders away from your ears, stretch your arms straight overhead.
3. Pull your abs in so that you lift your navel up away from the floor.
4. Extend your arms and legs so far in opposite directions that they naturally come up off the floor. At the same time, get so much length in your spine that your head moves up off the mat as an extension of the reach of your spine. Keep your face down toward the mat.
5. Continue to reach your arms and legs out very long from your Abdominalsr as you alternate right arm/left leg, then left arm/right leg, pumping them up and down in small pulses.
I wrote on Friday that Isabella and I had the perfect day to welcome in the New Year. Unfortunately, yesterday she was sick for most of the day. I had to go to work early and that meant snuggling her up in her warmest clothes and hugging her close so that we could make our way to my brother's apartment. My amazing brother continues to babysit her each morning and Saturday while I work. He wakes up hours before he needs to and makes Isa breakfast and listens to her babble. So I am even more grateful that on mornings when she is vomiting and cranky he still takes care of her for me because I can't afford not to work but also need to know she is safe and comfortable. So yesterday was one of those days. I was suppose to see another client after my morning sessions, but it would mean leaving Isa all afternoon, and she just wanted me to lie down with her. It is always a difficult choice between work and children, but I had to choose Isa on this one. I cancelled my client and spent the day lying next to her watching Cinderella on replay (about 20 times I think). I think I fell in love with my daughter even more.
A remarkable thing happened yesterday as well. While Isa was back home sick I had asked my Ex to come and watch her just in case I needed to go to my client's home. He came and helped by running errands and making soup. He also received a check and gave me enough money that I could actually pay my rent. It was completely unexpected and so necessary. I have been trying over the past few months to have him in Isa's life. He has been so inconsistent, but I am hoping that things do continue as they did yesterday. So with hope and a few eyes looking over my shoulder I will continue to find a way to have him in her life. It is a difficult path to allow space for someone who has hurt you so much, but it is what is best for Isa. She needs a Dad and she needs to know that he loves her.
I realize I complain a lot about my Ex and my life as a single mom, but I also know I am blessed. I have the most amazing daughter and there was a time where I thought I also had the most amazing man. There was a time I remember being pregnant and walking to work feeling like I was the luckiest person in the world. Things happen and people make choices out of our control and we just need to take them as lessons and learn from them. I came across a blog (http://www.mattlogelin.com) by a guy named Matt Logelin on www.mssinglemama.com and he reminded me that sometimes there are single parents out there who were not single by choice and who struggle but sometimes like Matt can see each day as a blessing and need to caring on for his amazing daughter. You may have heard of him before but if not you should check out his blog because he is quite inspiring and it is always hopeful to see that there are good guys out there.
So far this year looks inspiring and hopeful.
Swimming
(because today is really cold in NYC and I am wishing for warmth, and because I feel I am swimming toward a better future)
1. Lie on your stomach with the legs straight and together.
2. Keep your shoulders away from your ears, stretch your arms straight overhead.
3. Pull your abs in so that you lift your navel up away from the floor.
4. Extend your arms and legs so far in opposite directions that they naturally come up off the floor. At the same time, get so much length in your spine that your head moves up off the mat as an extension of the reach of your spine. Keep your face down toward the mat.
5. Continue to reach your arms and legs out very long from your Abdominalsr as you alternate right arm/left leg, then left arm/right leg, pumping them up and down in small pulses.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Happy New Year
@7am: It is very early on New Years day of 2010 and Isa is giving me the gift of sleeping in (she was up celebrating way into the evening). I spent last night, like most nights, with my daughter. We had Indian inspired food and ice cream (hence the late into the evening celebration), and then we watched lots of movies. Neither one of us made it to midnight but that's just fine with me. To be honest I did have some pangs of longing to be out. There is such a feeling of hope, celebration and "doing over" that comes with New Years. It is also difficult to be inside when you know the city is having a party. It brings me back to High School years when the "cool kids" had a party and I knew it was happening but never go the invite. But I was prepared before hand, and to be honest I don't know if there was any other place I would rather be. I was actually provided with free babysitting, but I embarrassingly had no place to go. The thing about being a Single Mom is that most of the time we have to say "No" to invitations and eventually we stop being asked. Isa and I had a lovely evening, and I am so lucky to have her with me to ring in another year of hope.
@4pm: OK so Isa obviously woke up while I was mid post so here I am during her nap typing away. We had an amazing and surprising day. I am hopeful the rest of the year feels like today. I went on a bit of a cleaning frenzy. I like to start the year fresh (it's a weird thing I do and about the only time you will see me cleaning like a fool). I am giving away my jogging stroller-I put a post up on my Mommy group and think I got a taker. I LOVE this stroller. I think more for sentimental reasons than any other. It is a Mclaren MAC3 and has seen me through some pretty tough times as well as some amazing times. I bought it soon after I broke up with my Ex. I would put Isa in it and she would look like a Princess. When I first got it she was so tiny but as the months past she filled it out. We put miles on it. I gained a lot of my mental and physical strength back with that stroller. I was planning to run the marathon (I didn't get in) and I even took it around Central Park (we lost a shoe and both socks). If you ever need an ass kicking work out jog Central Park -the hills will kill you. God- I will miss that stroller, but the time has come to say, "good-bye". Isa is old enough that she is in Daycare and I jog while she is in school. I don't see her enough throughout the day now and would rather spend that time playing with her. I don't think she would sit in it anyway- she is way too active for it. It is difficult though to see it go. I think I need to let go of a lot of that struggle I had last year. It was hard but I think we are free now. I don't need to hold on to Isa as tightly as I once did. She is so much more independent now and is growing up and I am ok with seeing it happen. I too, need to let go of my own struggle and pain because it is over. I saw it through and I am better now. When I look back on the beginning of it I can't even imagine being there now. I was so protected and tightly wrapped within myself. I picture it like being a tightly wrapped ball of black wire and Isa in the middle (run wild with that Art Therapists), but now we are separate standing tall and walking freely. Such a difference a year makes. I still have daily struggles but they are normal or at least what most people face- it isn't the same as feeling scared all the time. The stroller represents that time for me because with every mile I took I felt freer than before and I re-claimed myself.
After cleaning, Isa and I painted (I know it should have been the other way but thats how it goes). We made a mess. And while I was cleaning one spot she knocked over the jar of water and before I could get mad she looked at me and said, "That's ok Mom." And it was. She is right. It is ok. It's just water and mess happens. We were having fun and I just needed to let it go and go with it. So we cleaned up and bathed and decided to go to the movies. I had been wanting to take her to the Princess and the Frog and she was so excited. AS we were leaving we ran into my neighbor (and Isa's best friend) and decided to go to brunch instead. Then we went to play in the amazing new playground at Union Square. Then decided we should load the kids with sugar if we were going to sit through the movie so stopped at WholeFoods. Then finally went to the movie. We didn't see the entire thing. Isa was tired and needed to go, but it was still an amazing time. Sometimes the best days come out of going with the flow and giving up on plans. So another lesson for the year. Loosen up and go with it.
Pilates on the Jumpboard or Trampoline
Mainly because with both of these pieces of equipment it is difficult to control what happens and in life sometimes it is better to just let things happen as they will and let it go
1. Just jump (use your abdominals with each jump)
2. Continue to jump, add alternating legs like prancing, bring arms over head to ceiling
3. Do the Ab series (on jumboard add the curl forward with arms behind head or reaching by side), with trampoline keep arms over head
a. Single Leg Stretch -alternating legs
b. Double leg stretch - both legs reach and pull in toward chest
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