SNOW?!

UGHH! Seriously?! Winter I love you, but it is time to go!

In case you have the good fortune to live in a warm and beautiful climate you may have missed that this has been one of the snowiest winters in a long time. I think we have been a bit spoiled in winters past. I remember as a child making igloos, snowmen, and entire villages in snow. It seemed winters were always covered in white powder and icicles-of course that was in Massachusetts and Upstate NY. Then there were winters in NYC in which I had to climb snowbanks to get to work. There was one day in particular when I was working at the Metropolitan Museum and needed to actually scale a snow bank on 5th avenue to get into the building. My

point here is, snow is not new to NYC so why do

we act like it is. 

People are going into hiding, calling in sick, and claiming it is too difficult to leave their house. OK so maybe I'm playing the "when I was little" Grandpa card, but really!? It's just snow. It's wet, it's icy, and it may take more time to get around, but it's just snow. 

I think I also am a bit grumpy this morning because the thing about snow is it is a bit inconvenient, which for NYC and cause all kinds of issues. This is a city that works and moves, and gets anxious when locked up for too long. Perhaps I'm feeling the anxiety of the city. I am going to try my best to relax and enjoy this, hopefully last, snowfall. I'm trying my best to practice turning a negative into a positive. 

Single Leg Circle (here we are again)

• Engage Abdominals, stabilize pelvis
  
• Head, shoulders and arms flat to the mat
  
• Lengthen right leg to ceiling and externally rotate
  
• Inhale, cross leg over body, exhale circle leg down and around to the starting position

Repeat 5 times each leg

                                                                                           

Changing my ways

Let me first begin by stating I am very aware that I have been a sucky Blogger these days. I am trying desparately to change my ways. I am also trying to break out of my normal ways in hopes that it will provide me with inspiration and of course something more to Blog about.

As I sit here and write this Isa is home with THE Stomach Virus. I had hoped it would skip our house but I was highly wrong and unfortunate. Not yet sure what is worse, coming down with it myself or watching my child fight through it. As of now I am praying I stay bug free. I also can hear my neighbor's son in the hallway scream and tantrum his way upstairs, and I am thankful that I am not her right now. Is that wrong of me to say...probably... but I'm sure you all would agree. I've been there and hated it and so glad I'm not there at the moment.

I think I spoke about this before but I am in process of changing and expanding this blog and my website... a slow and tedious process which takes more time than it should. I am not a computer or design expert and do not have unlimited funds to hire out so this is a daily DIY project.

In an effort to be more fitness aware (and less judgemental aka Bitchy) of other forms of exercise I have decided to actually take classes around the city. I am starting with all those places I have at one time looked down on. I am honestly walking in with doubt but hoping to be proven wrong so I will begin reporting shortly. I purchased a pass for a month of Bikram yoga, which scares me to death and for now the pass looks just lovely decorating my fridge. I will get there, but not right now. Last week I decided to workout using an intense sculpting DVD I purchased a while back at someone's suggestion Jari Love's Extreme 1000.

Being the overachieving genius I am, I chose to do the complete workout - an hour of intense cardio and weight intervals. The DVD requires a step (which I have not seen or used since its popularity in the 80's) so I used my daughter's step stool. After nearly killing myself I got the hang of it, and after a week I found my ass and arms larger than before. Hmmm not quite what I was after, and yet I somewhat expected this which is why I stayed away from weights for so long. After finding an amazing sweatshirt to tie around my larger parts I decided to try another path. First, let me say that I am aware that weights are healthy and important especially to women who are getting up there in age. Secondly, I am aware that my diet consists of Toddler foods (poptarts, crackers, and peanut butter for protein). I'm stating this mainly because I am sure if I were more nutritionally conscious and ate mainly protein and veggies I would look more like Ms. Love and less like a sweatpants loving Mom. This week I chose to continue with the DVD but in the smaller 1/2 hour workout followed by a mat Pilates DVD from Netlfix. This seems to have helped. My ass is not so large or flabby and my arms look normal and more toned...not manly and huge.

The Pilates studio I work through is near NYU dorms, and a trend I notice a lot is the "college girl who thinks she is working out correctly but not" posture. This would be overly round shoulders and back with large arms. These are girls who go to the gym and workout and think they are doing what they should but get larger instead of toned and small. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I was not born with a long lean body, and while I still believe in my mind that this is attainable my reality has not yet provided it. I think this combination of weights, cardio and Pilates (or yoga) can actually make a difference. Weights are great. They help with bone density and tone, but they also help build and bulk muscles. I tend not to go more than 5 pounds when using weights to build muscle. This is for me, and others may disagree for their body. Pilates and yoga help to elongate and stretch these muscles so they don't get bulky. Pilates also helps create a body awareness and correct posture so that cardio and weight lifting is more beneficial. Seems like a lot of information and time. I think finding an hour a day is possible to workout. It is still hard (believe me I know), but 1/2 hour Pilates/yoga and 1/2 hour cardio and weights.

I am definitely feeling better this week and the sweatshirt is back in the closet, but those cute summer dresses will soon be coming out... let the panic begin.

Lunges with Springs (using the Pilates Tower and Box but this can also be done at home with a step and weights (about 5 pounds)

• With Springs in hands face tower and push back for resistance, place box behind you with ball of right foot in its center
• Bend back knee so that knee is inline with floor
• Front leg is firmly pressed to floor, pushing through heel, bend and straighten front leg
• Use abdominals (of course), and try to keep back straight

The thing is...

The thing about being a single Mom is that the weight of ...hmmm....everything is on me. I need to make it work. I need to make ends meet even when they don't. I need to be a magician and miracle worker. I need to fail and pick myself up without self pity. And so I do. I try again with a new zest, and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, but I try.

The thing about being independent is sometimes (well most times) you forget there are other people in the world who actually want to help. You forget that you don't have to do everything yourself, and I know you won't believe this, but actually people you can trust. Once you do things for yourself for so long it becomes difficult to allow others in. It is scary. What if I trust you to help and you fail or forget or disappear (that's a big one). What if I let you in and then I depend on you a little bit and then you leave and I crash and need to learn to be alone and independent again.

The thing about being self sufficient is that it is safe. I am protected. I am not too happy or too sad. My heart is well protected and I will not fall. I am not bitter and I am not hateful. I am admittedly timid and scared. I am not afraid to live life alone but I am afraid to care and be let down again. My trust was completely and utterly destroyed, and the person who did the crushing doesn't even remember why he betrayed me. The person that did the crushing has no memory of my heartbreak, my pain, my effort, my love, or me. He betrayed me long before I knew he was doing it and now does not even remember that. So I moved on, and yet I can't trust. I hate that he has destroyed that part of me because I use to be a very kindhearted trusting person, and now I have armor thicker than steel.

The thing about trust is it can be rebuilt slowly when there is hope. I still have hope. I have dreams and live in Fairy tales in my head. I imagine the life I want and hope one day to be strong enough to reach out for it. Slowly I am reaching out and letting people in again to my life. This all comes from finding forgiveness.

The thing about forgiveness is I can't begin to forgive my Ex until I can find it in me to forgive myself. Perhaps this sounds odd, but I have so many things I still attach power to. So many incidents I hold myself accountable for. Forgiveness of myself is not so easy. Another reason I started this blog was to give power back to myself. To heal.

The thing about alcoholics is they love to cover things up, to lie, betray, and hold secrets. Don't tell. It's a family matter. The family keeps secrets too. Look deep and those secrets go deep. This blog is my freedom. It is my escape from secrets.

The thing about secrets is they destroy. They are a cage. They can be death. They are not based in truth. They are based in fear. To tell the truth is to open a window to freedom. To say no to holding secrets is a step to power. Secrets cover shame. Secrets say there is something wrong here and I will pretend it doesn't exist. Secrets freeze but truth moves.

The thing about truth is it is freedom. It brings rebirth and life. It brings safety and trust. It reminds me that we will be OK.

Swan (everyone was an Ugly Duckling once)

1. Lie on your stomach. Pull your navel in, lifting it away from floor as you send your tailbone down toward the floor.
2. Legs are straight and can be slightly apart. Your shoulder blades slide down your back as you place your hands under your shoulders, elbows in.
3. Inhale: Lengthen your spine, sending energy through the top of your head as you press your forearms and hands into the mat to support a long upward arc of the upper body (chest/heart opens to wall in front of you).
4. The elbows are close to the body, the head stays in line with the spine, and the hips stay on the mat.
5. Exhale: Keep your abdominals lifted as you release the arc, lengthening your spine as your torso returns to the mat

Repeat 3-5 times with a fluid movement

Role Play

Today I spent the day with my favorite person. That would be Isa of course. I asked if she wanted to stay home and help me or go to school. I think I would have been shocked and insulted if she chose school. She was so amazing all day, and I realize she is a truly hilarious child. She had me laughing all day over the stupidest things. I have heard before that having children keeps us humble. I always assumed this meant because we give up on having privacy and looks and need to deal with embarrassing moments all the time. I think it also refers to the true awe of watching our children become their own person. It reminds me that I need to enjoy the smaller things in life more.

Like I spoke of last time, I am in transition. I'm not sure yet what that truly means, but I am seeking something. Yes, it is difficult to go in search of the unknown, but really isn't that what life is about? So I am in search f my truer self. A funny thing happened to me when I entered a relationship - I lost myself. I have a tendency to do that, which again would be part of the fear of dating. I just need to make sure I have a clear grip on who I am before trying to share myself with an other person.

I remember at Pratt (or maybe in Jean's supervision group after Pratt) we asked to think about the roles we hold. How do we see ourselves throughout the day. It is an interesting exercise to see how many different roles you have and how differently we may act in each of them. I think I am closest to my true self these days because the roles I play are similar. I don't feel like I am acting so much in any of them. I am Mother, Teacher, Friend, Sister, Daughter, and Student. There was a time when I think I held many more roles than that, and I acted very differently in each. I felt a bit like Sybil, which could be why I was and am so fascinated by Multiple Personality Disorder (for another time).

I guess the only place at the moment I am not my true self is when I am with my Ex. I think I still need to have the boundaries and wall firmly planted there. I think if I could describe it in a picture it would be me and Isa surrounded by a large, tall, metal circle (similar to that of Richard Serra's work...with the exception of the piece that fell and killed someone). I am practicing forgiveness or at least tolerance, but it is so so difficult. How to tolerate or forgive when my memories are so clear and still so ingrained in my body. It is a process, and I think that it is amazing to me that he is the only person right now that does not see the true me. Sad really.

Something to think about on this cold winter snow-day. What role do you play? How many characters do you play in a day?

Boomerang

1. Sit on your mat with your legs extended in front of you cross left leg over right. Keep your spine long and straight. Your hands should be pressing into the mat by your side.
2. Engage your abdominals (navel to spine) lean forward and extend your arms behind you.
3. Move your arms forward as you lower down to the mat one vertebrae at a time with your arms by your side. Engage your abdominals and move into the roll over, bringing your flexed feet to the floor behind your head. Cross right leg over left.
4. Roll legs down to 45 degree angle and at the same time roll torso up, arms in front of shoulders creating a teaser. Your head and shoulders should be lifted off the mat and your arms should extend in front of you.
5. Hold while arms reach behind back, hands clasped together and stretch them away from back. Hold arms up while lowering legs to floor and chest lowering towards legs as well.
6.Now let go of hands behind back gently and reach around toward feet. Roll back to the sitting beginning position.

Repeat all 3-5 times.

Transitioning

I know. I know. I have been a very sucky Blogger these days, but in all fairness to myself I have begun several entries but none seemed to fit.

I am in transition. Both in Blogger World (still trying out new formats) and in life.

I also think that when the weather is so unpredictable it makes me a bit crazy. I NEED to have the freedom of jogging outside to keep me in a mentally balanced place. I tried the treadmill and DVDs but it just isn't the same. For me it isn't an exercise- it is an escape. I feel free- I feel like my true self when I am able to jog outside along the Hudson. It is true escape and that is what I often need.

Perhaps it is growing up. Perhaps it is being a mom (and a single one at that). Perhaps it is simply living in a large city where there is always someone who needs or wants part of me or my time. Whatever it is, jogging along the Hudson with the smell of salt air and a view larger than myself allows me the sense of freedom. I need that freedom. Over the past week I have been lucky enough to run outside, and regardless of the snow, I intend to run today as well.

I am struggling with this sense of freedom as well as a sense of transition. I'm not completely certain and secure with my future. I know from conversations with others that there is this sense all over, which is why I am also posting it here in the Blog. What I have discovered is - I am a very impatient person. I preach and believe that process is nearly more important than result, and yet I need to know the ending. It is difficult to go through the hard stuff even if there are lessons within it that we need to learn to aid us on our journey. The truth and the process is healing but unfortunately does not take away the pain. So how do we accept the truth and move on when it is not the ending we had pictured for ourselves or want for our life.

These are things I hate to hear but I know are true.
"Leave it up to the Universe".
"You are only responsible for yourself, and cannot change anyone else". (This is the hardest of all because life would be so easy if we could make people see it our way)
"Things happen for a reason".

All these are true and yet when I, and others I know, are going through difficult times it is so hard to believe and practice these sayings. I know in my heart it is true. I believe completely in The Universe and in things following the right path. So the practice of patience. I think as children it is so easy to see and to express. A child builds up energy when they can't wait-either through excitement or frustration. We see it building and we see it exploding. As we age we need to control more this impatience, and yet it builds all the same. So what do we do with this energy. I think for some it becomes depression, or anger, or motivation. For me it becomes a need to escape-to run but also to hide.

When I feel this anxious over life in general and get stressed I feel the need to eat breakfast foods all day with lots and lots of coffee. I can easily give the Gilmore's a run for their money on the amount of coffee I can consume-especially when I am anxious. Like I said - this is not what I preach to others, and not what I am giving in to (well, not completely anyway).

So like all of you who are going through transition and who wish you could change someone or something, I too am there. It is a difficult place to be, and yet we need to sit in it. this uncomfortable tension. In order to find our inner peace and inner strength we need to trust in life and let it be.

Pilates Push-Up
1. Begin standing. Slide your shoulders down as your bring your arms straight up over your head.
2. Curl down. As you roll down, pull your abs in and curl your spine one vertebrae at a time until your hands reach the mat. If you need, bend your knees to get your hands to the mat.
3. Walk your hands out on the mat until you are in plank. Keep your pelvis very stable as you walk your arms out. Hands directly under your shoulders, your legs straight, and your body in one long line from your heels to your ears.
4.Hold your plank position. Your legs and arms should be straight. Your heels, hips, shoulders, and ears should be in one line.
Rotate your arms are so that the inside of the elbow faces forward.
5.Walk your hands back to your deep curve position. You are using your abdominals to deeply pull in and move toward rolling up.
6.Use your abdominals to slowly return the pelvis to the upright position and allow the rest of the spine to roll up, vertebrae by vertebrae.
End in a standing position.

repeat 5 times.