Responsibility

I have a client who is addicted to watching the Biggest Loser. I am always interested in what motivates my clients as well as any exercise programs out there, therefore, last season I began to watch. I need to admit, as I think most trainers do, that I am conflicted with the show.  I think it is great that so many viewers are using it as inspiration to change their own life, but I wonder if their determination continues when they realize it is impossible to lose the amount of weight the contestants on the show are losing.  I like that so many Americans are beginning to face their own obesity, and I hope they can use the ideas of the show to be proactive in their journey. While watching the first episode this season, the word "responsibility" played over and over in my head.  It is a big word - especially when dealing with emotional baggage associated with weight gain.  

Let me first state that I do not think every overweight person gained weight because of emotional issues, but I would guess 98% of them did or at least may have some intense emotions after gaining weight. In the show one of the trainers is yelling at a contestant.  I think I see what she is trying to do and yet I'm not sure this is the best way to get through to her.  She does state, "You don't get to be 350 lbs overweight and not have a story." I think it is true we all have stories and some of us allow that story to make us a victim-we become out story instead of creating a new one. I find it interesting and a good strategy that the trainer did not let this contestant tell her story yet.  I think I would have been sucked in by the pain, but I see it is used as a shield.  This person needed to be angry first, and not be seen in the same role she continued to play in life. She needed to take on the responsibility of her life and health.

When I was working as a therapist with traumatized women I saw emotional pain being hidden beneath overeating, bulimia, anorexia, alcoholism, drug abuse, and cutting.  People who have been physically or emotionally abused tend to act out against their own body when their intense emotions can not be expressed.  In several cases this is unconscious and in some it is intentional.  Each one of these reactions to abuse can be a way of hiding or releasing pain.  It is something that has fascinated me about working with the psyche and the physical body.  If we push to the limit of our physical abilities there is usually a point at which we reach an emotional breaking point.  

We are responsible for ourselves.  I am fully conscious of my need and willingness to challenge myself physically and emotionally.  My biggest breakthrough was in my supervision group. As a therapist I needed a place among other therapists to challenge and discuss cases from work. Often in these sessions issues about our own lives are discovered as blocks against the ability to work with our clients.  I learned a lot about myself in this group.  This particular night my supervisor went after me and it was a long angry and tearful night where I was accused of playing the victim role.  At the time, of course, I was appalled and denied every bit, but later (even now) I think about that as a turning point for me.  I was playing the victim role.  I can excuse it away by saying I was working with Domestic Violence and every client I saw had layers of abuse, but in truth I was playing this role out myself.  

What does this mean? I can only answer for myself because it may be different for each person.

This role served a purpose for me.  I could work harder and still feel I had not done enough.  I was exhausted most days. I taught Pilates in the morning, went to my therapy job during the day, and came back to teach Pilates at night.  I was beyond burnt out.  In reality I probably was not helping anyone, but in my head I thought I was going beyond what was needed.  I was being a martyr (something I now am repulsed by).  In sacrificing myself I was hoping that someone would notice and take care of me.  The only way I could "be seen" was to be helpless.  I was not being responsible for myself.  I instead was looking for attention and pity from others to fill me up.  I know I am being overly critical of myself and a lot of what I was doing or playing out was in fact the transference of my clients as well as that of my boyfriend at the time.  It was a cycle that needed to be stopped and my supervisor stopped it for me that night.  

It opened my eyes to a new reality, but it was not until months later that I truly took in what I was playing out.  I was in a job that I hated and was taking on the abuse of others for no reason but couldn't leave. When I got pregnant I finally had the courage to quit.  That was the first step.  The second was taking on the responsibility of my actions.  I accepted my part in the failure of my relationship to my ex.  I accepted my part in staying in an abusive relationship.  I accepted my passivity and my inability to be proactive.  I did not explain away or forgive him his own responsibility, but I needed to see my own part so that I could remove myself completely.  It is not blame, but awareness.  

We need to be aware of our role in situations.  Yes. I admit that sometimes the world sucks. There are disgustingly vile people who exist in it.  There is no excuse or reason for some of the sick torturous things that have happened.  However, we can accept the story that these events have written for us or we can re-write our story.  Continue to play out the role that makes us helpless in need of others to come and save us, or be strong and change our outcome. Save our self first.  Accept the responsibility of our actions, our happiness, and our lives.  

I'm not going to lie. It is not easy. It is actually a very lonely path.  I became very alone when I finally dropped those victim chains and decided to take on my life.  It is a place of vulnerability and darkness. As I took back more of my pieces and gained more awareness of myself, I trusted less but I needed less and the light was blindingly clear.  I am stronger now.

PLANK

• Begin on hands and knees, wrists under shoulders, knees under hips. Push through heel of the hand and splay fingers out, slightly externally rotate shoulders. Look forward of fingers with back of head and neck flat to ceiling.
• Push into hands to activate serratus muscle (you will feel this under the armpit)
• Pull navel to spine on exhale and extend one leg to back without shifting weight. Place ball of foot to floor. Reach other leg back and have inner thighs hug as hamstrings reach to ceiling.
• Reach through heels as top of head reaches in opposition, abs are always in, feel as if you are pushing floor away.
• Hold in perfect for for 60 sec.  

to advance - lift one leg for 60 sec, then switch for other leg for 60 sec.
to modify - keep one knee on floor and extend other leg back to straight in line with the spine (60 sec each leg)

   

Playing Hooky

Autumn is finally here in New York City. The air has changed and there is a freshness to it now. People are back from there summer vacations and seem to be getting re-aquainted with the swing of the city. I'm excited to take Isa to the farm to pick apples and pumpkins. She is at the best age right now where she enjoys everything.  She can look at a leaf for hours and never get bored. She is a constant reminder to slow down and take in the beauty of my surroundings. 

This past week was a difficult one for my schedule. As a Pilates instructor I can not always fit my clients into my ideal time slots, and must at times work nights or weekends. This unfortunately was the case last week. Isa is finally in the routine of her daycare, and seems excited by it on most days. On Friday, I had to leave her there until 5pm instead of my usual 3pm and she broke down when I walked in the door. As I held her in our carrier walking down the street she had her arms around me in sobs saying "I miss you Mommy".  Of course, it broke my heart.  The guilt struck me even more deeply because I knew I needed to go back to work. It is the most difficult thing to know your child needs you, but to also know you need to leave them. This is the biggest challenge I face, and takes a tremendous amount of balance and heartbreak on my part.  It is a fact that I need to support us both financially, but I also want to raise her a certain way -meaning be there as much as she needs me to. I had promised I would not work when she was not in school, but with the economy being what it is I need to work during those hours I should be with her.  

I work daily on forgiving myself for sacrificing my precious time with Isa.  Forgiveness is a difficult thing.  I tend to forgive others easily... sometimes too easily. But forgiveness of myself is an entirely different thing. I guess it comes with being slightly a Type A personality, and partly from guilt of being the only stable parent in my child's life.  In my head I know there is no other way but what I am doing right now for my child, and yet it goes against my natural instincts as a mother to be away from her so much.  

And so today I am breaking the rules a bit and teaching my child a lesson she will surely excel at later in life .... how to play hooky from school. We are going to Central Park to spend the entire day dancing through leaves and  walking aimlessly. Life is what it is and has its challenges so in order to adapt it to the life we want sometimes we need to break the rules. 

Swan Dive

• Lie face down, resting forehead on the floor or small pillow or towel for added neck support, arms to side palm down, thighs squeeze together tops of toes to mat

• inhale, lengthen through spine and slide shoulder blades down back

• exhale, engage abdominals and pelvic floor muscles pulling belly button off mat

• inhale, peel upper body off the floor (continue to look down so as not to pull from neck), keep abdominals engage to support back, continue to slide shoulder blades down the back

• exhale, lower upper body to the floor, continue to engage abdominals 

repeat 8-10 times

Holding Tight

If you follow Susan Miller's horoscope like I do you know this is not suppose to be an easy month. Fortunately for me my reading didn't seem to be so daunting, but she did say to wait things out and that it would be a difficult month.  Well, so far it is proving to be a challenge, but not anything too catastrophic.  So far I have come down with the flu and had to miss the wedding dinner of close friends of mine, lost every key and library card I had, and my clients all seem to have dwindled off the schedule making bill paying loads of fun.  I am trying not to do anything drastic like give up move to the country and get an office job, but there is definitely a part of me wondering what I am doing here. 

I know people who live outside NYC think most of us are crazy for being here, but in many ways it is easier here.  This is where I spent most of my growing up years and went through most of my major life changes- I can't at this time imagine being anywhere else.  I know this city too well to leave now.  But, it does get increasingly difficult to remain in a city that is increasingly more expensive - especially when my own finances are beginning to decrease.  

This of courses raises the ultimate Mom struggle - work.  Do I work more and see my daughter less so we have extra money or do I continue to drive myself crazy hoping to pull it together at the last second so we can survive and be able to spend more time with her.  It is a battle I go over in my mind daily.  I miss being able to raise my child.  I never wanted to be a full time working mother- I wanted to be home with her as much as she could take it. I'm crafty for God's sake I'm suppose to be the ultimate crafty mom who makes sandwiches in funny shapes and takes my child into the woods to look for sticks and rocks.  

I know I don't get that choice now as a single mom, but I was hoping to have her at least part of the day.  I think I may have to face the reality that it just may not be possible and I need to get another job.  The other struggle of course, is how to remain balanced.  How to give to our kids and give to ourselves.  How to be an individual without being selfish.  I am still working on this one.  I give out a lot and am trying to give some of that in my own direction, but it doesn't always work that way.  It just doesn't feel always to be right.  

So September,  a time of transition, but I think also a time to take a deep breath and hold tight. 

Chest Expansion (on the reformer)

1 medium or 1 heavy spring

• Knees against the shoulder rest, feet relaxed, hands holding straps
  
• Find length through spine, look straight ahead, zip up abs from pubic bone
  
• Inhale, on exhale pull straps past thighs while keeping body still
  
• Look right, look left (while holding straps past thighs)
  
• Slowly with control bring straps to front
  
• repeat 4 times each time growing taller
  

UGGHH!! Shaping Up

For those of you who may not have heard it from me - I have an amazing new publicist.  Her name is Jennifer Ambromowitz and she is getting me motivated and business minded.  She is also quick.  In my head I was thinking maybe I would gain attention slowly and build a name for myself through a one liner here and there, but in her head she saw me in a four page spread in a magazine with a celebrity client. 

Hmmm....I like her picture better.  

As I try to wrap my head around this notion and possibility I am struck also by the fact that if I am to be in any type of publicized photo I need to kick my exercise routine into full gear.  Now I have mentioned before my love hate relationship with exercise.  Yes I am a trainer and I do see the benefits of working out, but I also love cupcakes.  I love to workout - I seriously do. However, there is a difference between working out to clear my mind and  deal with the world, and then there is the type of working out it takes to physically change my body.  The latter working out I tend to despise.  It is disciplined and hard.  I know it is not necessary, but my perfectionist personality will not allow me to do less.  

My body type basically is made for being a Mom and having lots of babies in the country with a housedress and slippers - it is not the type that would get me a modeling contract or muscle building trophy.  I can work out extremely hard for weeks and gain some muscle but as soon as I stop the muscle disappears the next day. If I diet on vegetables for weeks I can get a flat stomach but if I stop for a few days the stomach returns with a bonus of thighs.  And now that I have a child this all happens a little bit faster.

I know you think all trainers should look fit all the time, but I have to tell you we don't.  A good trainer will know how to get their body in shape but mainly their time will go to helping others get in shape. 

I must admit, there were times when I hated my body.  I'm actually not in that time anymore.  I am happy with how I look and what my body has given me.  We have become friends a long time ago.  Are there things I would change - of course, but overall I am accepting now.  My body has given me a lot and has helped me through tough times.  I think if I were not so physically strong I never would have made it though so many of those emotionally draining and challenging times.   Having a child definitely proved to me the strength and resilience my body has.  However, all that being said I still need to kick it up a notch.  To balance working out, eating a healthy diet, and still keeping up with my child and my job (oh yeah and that dating thing) will be a challenge, but I will try my best.

Standing Ballet Legs 

Use a chair for balance- try not to grip it but lightly hold it 

Always have abs zipped up from pubic bone to navel and both hips facing front

• 1. straight leg lift
  

slightly rotate leg out from hip, flex foot and lift to ceiling (10)

• 2. knee press
  

with outwardly rotated leg lifted, bend and straighten leg to back (10)

• 3. Circles
  

with straight leg rotated do circles to back (10 each direction)

• 4. Arabesque
  

with knee bent and leg rotated bring ankles together, lift bent knee back and up (10)

• 5. Arabesque to side
  

with knee bent and facing front, raise bent leg to side (10)

• 6. standing clams
  

with knee 90 degrees and hip height rotate from hip bringing knee to floor and then to     ceiling - draw figure 8 with knee (should be felt in hip) (10)

Repeat all on 2nd leg

Finally Fall

Ahhh September! 

I love the cool, calm dependability of it, but also its ability to transform.  Call it the "back to school syndrome"- a mixture of fear and excitement.  Ask anyone who went to school with me- I had a tendency to vomit on the first day.  Every year.  I was that child. The one the whispers were about.  Without fail I would make it at least halfway through and then the heat and the nerves would get me every time.  

But still I love Autumn.  I love knowing that there is a new year of possibilities.  A new beginning. A transformation.  (And the apples aren't bad either).

Today, Isabella started preschool.  I was so emotional leading up to it.  She has been with babysitters but this was an actual school where she would become a little girl as opposed to being my baby.  It is difficult for me to let go, but she seems to have an easy time transitioning to her new world.  At the end of the day when I pick her up and feed her the biggest cupcake I have ever set eyes on she looks up and says "I missed you Mommy".  It comes out of no where and melts my heart.  

Tonight as I walked home from dinner with a friend I was aware of the new beginnings surrounding me.  Students reuniting after the summer, a new chill in the air, and a different buzz in the city.  I am hearing more from people close to me that they are moving or taking advantage of a new position that may change the relationship we have.  In the past I would have been envious or terrified, but now I too am ready for a change.  The air has shifted, and I know that after this long uneasy summer I am ready for new possibilities and taking risks.  

Open Leg Rocker

• Balance on tailbone, with head tucked and spine curled, knees bent, toes pointed, hands hold inside of ankles
  
• Extend legs, inhale to roll back to inferior angle of shoulder blades, exhale to roll forward to starting position
  
• Maintain full curl of spine, shoulder blades move down spine, base of skull is released, abdominals move in and up
  
• stabilize trunk, pelvis, scapulae while moving