Independence

Wow.  I have been very bad about blogging.  I think once is dawned on me that people are actually reading this I had a bit of a freak out, but now I've gotten over it.  So here I am back at the screen.  

It has been a stressful week.  Isabella is beginning preschool/daycare on Tuesday and it is making me panic.  Of course she has been with numerous babysitters so for her this is a better alternative, and what she needs, but it still makes me miss her and panic.  She is at this lovely stage of pure sweetness.  She is so gentle and caring now and beginning to form relationships- it is the most amazing thing to watch.  Of course amazingly difficult not to be a part of that all day, but we both need to grow and deal with our separation issues.  I need the time to work more and get back involved in my own things.  We need to begin to move in more parallel lives than intertwined worlds.  It is sad and scary but also necessary and healthy. 

The thing about being a single mom is the battle between working and not working is taken away - most of us have no choice and need to work.  I am lucky to have a flexible job that allows me to see her for the better part of the day, and in honesty I need a life of my own. Mainly I need to rediscover my own independence.  The thing about children is that it is so easy to become wrapped up in them.  As a single mother it is even easier.  Time slips away, and little of what should be done is accomplished.  So with free time and a set schedule I feel lost.  I thought I would feel free, but I feel lost.  I have put so much on hold for the past two years that it is overwhelming to find the right place to begin.  I can now clean my house, take a shower, do laundry, or be selfish and go to a movie or lunch with a friend.  It sounds ridiculous but until now if I wanted to do any of these things I needed to also carry with me a child who may or may not allow these things to happen.  The simplest task like taking down garbage becomes a well planned out event.  So another chord is cut and I'm allowed to breathe a little better, but still I feel a bit lost.  

Corkscrew (Finding balance and connection while also moving)

• Neutral pelvis, extend legs toward ceiling at a 90 degree angle, arms at sides palm down
  
• Begin with pelvic clocks (think of pelvis like a clock- navel is 12:00 move slowly with abs in circle around pelvis)
  
• Engage abs into imprint (lower back to mat) rotate pelvis to move left side of pelvis to mat, then tailbone, then right side of pelvis. Draw hip bones toward each other and control movement with abs.
  
• Inhale when tailbone is down and exhale as pelvis moves to imprint
  
• Complete one direction and then reverse direction
  
• Modify: place hands under pelvis or bend knees
  

Trust

My daughter teaches me a lot about trust.  She looks to me and trustingly puts her faith in me to keep her safe and to make the right decisions.  At times she fights me on these choices, but she seems to trust me just the same.  I remember as a small child also trusting my parents and putting my faith in them to keep me safe.  I did not doubt that food would be on the table or that we would all be in the same house day to day.  I was not even aware that this was a possibility.  So when is it that our trust starts to waiver?

 

As a Mom I am fully aware of the amazing responsibility I have to another human being.  I work hard to make sure my daughter's trust in me is not put into question. What I realize now, that I did not realize as a child, is that parents do not know for certain that things will be ok, that food will be on the table, or that the home they live in will be there tomorrow.  In these uncertain times it is becoming more difficult to keep our trust in people, but especially to keep our children trusting in us.  

Yesterday, while walking to work, I fell.  Isabella was having a difficult morning (meaning she was having one tantrum after the next) and in an attempt to save my sanity I gave in to her request to be carried rather than forced into the stroller.  I am well aware that she is two and a bit too big for a sling but sometimes it is just easier.  Of course on this morning I got a few blocks from home and fell.  My worst fear since having Isabella was to fall while holding her.  I am so neurotic I even have gone so far as to envision us falling so I could plan out what I would do just in case.  I now know - we will survive.  I am in a lot of pain but she seems to have forgotten the accident completely.  Of course, my first response was to check her for injuries and then make sure she knew we were ok.  Basically I lied a bit to make sure she could feel safe. As parents that is what we must do to protect our child's sense of safety and trust.  We build worlds for our children to comfort them, and when the world is scary we build those worlds even grander and more comforting.  Perhaps if we can look at our children being carefree and happy for a moment or two we also can feel that magic.  

As a Mom I want my daughter to live in this fairy tale world as long as she can.  Soon- too soon- she will wake up and become aware of the truths in the world.  I think the longer she can live in a simpler world the more likely she will be to trust and believe in human goodness.  As long as she continues to believe in that I will continue to fight off the dragons to protect this magical world for her.  Because if she can believe that everything will be ok, then there is a part of me that can believe in that too.   

Neck Pull

• Lie flat to mat on back with legs straight and feet flexed (bent if need to modify), hands behind neck
  
• Nod head and curl, peel spine toward mat one vertebrae at a time. Curl torso over legs. lengthen spine toward the ceiling to come to a neutral seated position. Lever torso back on Sitz bones until need to curl, tuck tailbone and roll down through spine.
  
• 
  
• Press back of thighs to mat, lengthen head from shoulders pressing neck into hands
  

Childhood

I am back in New York City after a quick trip to my childhood home in upstate NY.  It is always interesting to go back to where I grew up.  Sometimes it is rejuvinateing and other times it is exhausting, but there is always an overlay of bitter-sweetness.   I am reminded of the person I was, the pain or happiness certain memories bring, and how far removed I am now.  Being back in my town often makes me feel as if no time has passed, and with the exception of a few new houses and  a slighter bigger and brighter school, the town looks almost the same.  I was surprised how similar it all was.  My parent's home has changed over the years and there are few similarities to the way it was when I lived there. I think this is a positive and healthy change.  

My favorite jogging path is still in tact and nearly the same as it always has been.  The perfect loop through farm country where I seldom see another person or car.  It is, and always has been, the perfect place for me to think.  I feel most free and myself when I am joggin

g that loop.  I know each crack and turn better than anything.  There is this sweet smell in summer from the mix of hay, corn and strawberries growing on the nearby farms.  As the loop turns I can pass traces of history in forgotten family cemeteries and an old red school house. This particular loop is like a piece of the past comfortably protected between the newer worlds- it is timeless.  I could jog all day and always find something new to marvel at.  There have been times in my past when I jogged this loop twice a day  (I had a lot of thinking to do), times when I jogged it in tears, and times when I jogged just because I needed to feel free.  It has always served me well.  I am hoping it never changes.  It is my piece of childhood. My nostalgia.  The way I always wanted my childhood to be.  Free, open, peaceful, curious, and always a sense of calm welcoming me home. 

Rolling like a Ball (bring back your childhood)

• Start sitting with knees bent and feet flat to floor
  
• Turn knees out from hips and point toes, lightly rest hands around thighs with elbows out to side
  
• Tuck chin and curl head to knees, scoop abs back so that spine is in a "C" curve
  
• Continue to pull abs back tipping through tailbone so that you balance on SITZ bones and toes can come off floor (your body should look like a circle 
  
• On exhale roll back, take quick inhale, exhale roll up
  

Repeat 8 times

• When done correctly spine will be so curled there will be a continuous motion going down and up
  

Hiding

As the city slowly seems to be shutting down for an unwritten rest in these last weeks of summer I too am feeling a need to go under the covers.  Although it isn't what it seems.  I am not planning a vacation at the beach where I can soak up the last of summer's rays, but instead am looking for a place to hide.  

Yes.  Hiding seems to come up a lot in my blog these days.  I am well aware of this thank you very much.  

To my own credit I tend to be a person who is pro-active.  I do take on my fears face them and move through them, but first I hide.  I have done this all my life really.  I get overwhelmed and wish away the feeling in my gut and chest that makes my heart beat faster. Like I believe I have mentioned- I am neurotic and highly anxious.  I cover it well, but that calm exterior is just a facade - inside I am a jumble of nerves.  

So what did it this time?  Well things are going well.  In fact, my career and social life are at an all time high and things are moving fast in the perfect direction.  I know. I know. Happy dance time. But I tend to do poorly when people take notice.  In fact - I think that is what is making me feel the urge to dive under my pillow.  People are beginning to watch me, and while I am grateful and perplexed I also have that "vomitous" feeling again.  I tend to do two things when I get like this.  First I run.  I run and run and run until I feel I have out run the anxiety and fear that is chasing me down.  Second I hide.  In today's world this is more difficult.  What with technology it is impossible to fully disappear.  After those two things I am able to come up for air refocused and face the fears.  And, honestly, it always seems to be less scary once I face it.

Pilates has always been a great exercise for me because it is a combination of inner focus (hiding in a way) and power (like running).  It is nearly impossible to let your mind wonder for a long period of time because it is such an internal exercise.  It calms my mind while allowing my body to constantly focus and move.  The perfect combination of power and inner focus can be seen in the abdominal series or "FAB 5".

Single Leg Stretch

• Neutral pelvis (pelvis flat to ceiling)
  
• Right knee into chest,  hands on right knee, extend left leg. Tuck chin curl head toward bent knee.
  
• Switch legs while maintaining stable pelvis.  Deepen abs with "HA" breath as legs switch

Double leg stretch

• Neutral pelves
  
• Bend knees to chest, hands on ankles, nod chin in toward chest and curl forward
  
• On inhale, extend both legs and arms to 45 degrees
  
• On exhale, circle arms to beginning position as knees pull into chest
  

Criss-Cross

• Neutral pelvis
  
• Lace fingers together and support neck, tuck chin curl forward, bring legs to table top (90 degress)
  
• Keep elbows wide, cross right arm pit to left hip bone, left knee is bent and right leg extends to wall
  
• On exhale switch legs and arms
  
• Stabilize pelvis throughout

Scissors

• Imprint Pelvis (lower back to floor, pubic bone is tucked)
  
• Nod head in and curl forward
  
• Extend both legs to ceiling, point toes, Hold right leg with both hands, extend left leg down
  
• Pull on right leg and then switch legs bringing left to ceiling 
  
• Stabilize pelvis as legs move

Double leg lifts

• Imprint pelvis
  
• Nod head in and curl forward
  
• Extend both legs to ceiling and glue inner thighs together, flex feet
  
• Lower legs down without moving spine and exhale to bring both legs up
  

 

Compromise

In life we must compromise, and as I teach Isabella to share I need to re-learn this idea myself.  In any lasting relationship this is one of the key ingredients.  At times there may be a struggle of power, but in the end each party must learn to share a little or the entire thing will break apart.  The same holds true in exercise.  

I have the benefit of being on both sides of the coin here in that I am a fitness instructor as well as a person struggling to remain fit.  Sundays are my day off.  I do not like to make plans and I do not like to have a list of chores.  My favorite thing is to wake up, have coffee early, and go jogging.  Unfortunately, Isabella does not share the same love of this Sunday morning ritual. Yesterday I took her across the Brooklyn Bridge.  It is not the same as jogging, but I thought the exercise still counts - especially since she did not want the stroller so I carried her most of the way.  It was not as satisfying as a jog, but sometimes compromise can bring something even better.  I think the key is to let go of the expectations we have of a certain outcome and instead exist in and appreciate the moment.  

As an instructor I see several clients enter timidly for their first session with ideas and expectations of Pilates.  Sometimes this works and both I and the client are satisfied with the result or the process. However, at other times the weight of expectations is so strong that there is no room for compromise.  It is always good to have a goal, but sometimes the way to achieve the goal must be modified.  It is extremely important that both the instructor and the client be attentive to the moment and where the body and the mind are at that present time.  Some days may be an active day and other times may require both parties to slow down.  We must learn to compromise with others, with our expectations, and also with the needs of our bodies.  

The Modified Hundred 

(Because Sometimes its better to compromise and do it right than to push through and do it wrong)

• Begin with a neutral pelvis (Pelvis flat to ceiling)
  
• Inhale tuck chin, exhale curl forehead to navel
  
• Reach fingers to heels with long arms
  
• Bring legs to table top one leg at a time (90 degrees)
  
• Squeeze inner thighs together (or use a small pillow or ball between knees)
  
• Inhale bring arms 2 inches up, exhale bring arms 2 inches down (as if pushing a weight into floor)
  
• Inhale for count of 5, exhale for count of 5 - repeat 10 times for 100 breaths
  

Balance

Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place.  - Zora Neale Hurston

Today I was asked out twice....twice in one day....I should be doing a happy dance, but instead I am home...hiding...eating ice cream...ok Froze Fruit but close enough.  

I know you are all frustrated.  Believe me you have lot's of company amongst my friends who too are in anticipation of my dating adventures.  I promise soon to give you all the satisfaction of my dating woes and goes...sorry it won't be today.  

I think for now I am still working on the balancing act.  In that I mean balancing going out to dinner with a mixture of excitement and dread and hiding in my apartment safe and alone.  For now it is still safer to be inside...hiding.  I have been peeking outside though only to run home, but soon I think I will crawl out from my hiding place.  

Soon... I promise.

Balance

• With both legs planted firmly to the ground feel the big toe, little toe, and heel 
  
• Begin to shift weight right to left swaying body slightly until there is a rhythm to the body will slowly take over making the movement smaller and quicker until you stop
  
• Begin to shift front to back again swaying body - again until body takes over and stops
  
• With eyes open find something eye level to focus on
  
• raise one leg to 90 degrees and hold for 30 seconds
  
• switch sides
  
• Remember this is Pilates, and balance begins in the core so always use the abdominals to keep your center
• Lift the navel in and up - think first tighten navel to spine and then picture it tucking up toward the head

More advanced - use a balance board

Fear

My 13 year old niece had a crush on a boy at school and spent many afternoons talking to him and growing more and more fond of him.  One day she came home and said to my sister, "Mom. I think I am going to wait until I'm older to go out with a boy".  

"Why?", asked my sister.

"I just get too nervous now, and so I'm going to wait until I am older so I'm not nervous anymore."

Of course my sister called me immediately to have a good laugh and claim that her child was actually meant to be mine.  Good luck Sister!  The nerves - they never go away, and as I get older they only get worse.  

Needless to say, the dating thing still makes me want to vomit with fear.  I tend to be a bit neurotic and am not really sure how I don't have a full blown ulcer at this point.  I think I was always like this with dating though.  I was never one of those girls who could walk into a room and fling my hair back with a smile while looking glamorous holding my cocktail and balancing perfectly on 3 inch heels.  I tend to wear flats because I would be the opposite of poise while attempting to look cute and would knock something over while simultaneously walking into a wall.  

**Side note here: you think I am kidding but while pregnant I had to repeat over and over "Do not walk into the pole.", and wouldn't you know it I walked into it every time.  I also fell over several times while pregnant, but now I am digressing.  Back to dating or said fear of dating.  

You would think being in a long term relationship and having a child would give me the experience and confidence to date anyone at any time.  I think in fact it has had the opposite affect on me.  I feel most days like I have been stuck in a time capsule at age 25 and suddenly let out at age 36.  So think about that for a second - just think about yourself at 25.  Well, maybe some of you reading this were those put together coeds that always had the right lip gloss and knew the exact way to triple cross their legs while commenting on some Philosophical debate of the moment.  I was not that 25 year old.  I was the one who dressed in sundresses and dumped the contents of my bag onto the street in order to find my keys.  I was fun and spontaneous but not smooth and confident.  I often fell for the artsy sex God who was never completely free and NEVER stable.  So I was in a way always safe - no dating required.  I was 25!! I did not have anything stable.  I was an "artist".  I had no roots and no responsibility.  I think I was temping and subletting and had a cell phone.  So that was me.  

Then I got into a relationship and things changed. Here I am somehow 36 and the opposite of who I was in every way.  My life is now firmly rooted with extreme responsibility.  Spontaneity is grabbing blindly in my closet at 5:15am for clothes to leave the house in.  And now I need to date? WHAT?! It is a whole new world and I am getting use to it slowly, but something tells me I will still be unable to eat, and I will continue to be a bottle of nerves until I am long into whatever relationship the Universe has planned for me.  

Oh Yeah - that "not eating thing" is not me being a cute girl that is me trying not to vomit from nerves. Just FYI in case any future dates are reading this ; ).

So I find it only fitting that todays exercise be :

TEASER - ON THE BOX 

Equipment needed (reformer - or other apparatus that is equally terrifying)

• Lie on your back on the long box with hands in straps
  
• Tailbone should be about 1 inch from bottom of the box (no place for head)
  
• Begin legs in table top (90 degrees), arms out to side, palms facing forward
  
• Inhale tuck chin to chest, exhale push into straps and curl up to Teaser position (legs will straighten out reaching through toes and hands will press forward to toes palms up working through serratus muscle with lots of length through fingers and toes)
  
• Now here is the key to perfection....You will LOVE this
  
• Teeter on your SITZ bones while reaching through fingers and toes and open chest to wall in front, slightly tuck pubic bone upward and look toward the toes (you should look like the letter V)
  
• Don't forget to smile....Oh! and remember you are 3 feet off the ground with straps trying to pull you backward
  

Sounds impossible but everyone who comes through my door has stared this thing down and done some version of it- maybe not to the Pilates Perfection but enough that they find inner strength and determination to hold a version of this exercise without crashing to the floor - I haven't lost one yet : )

Stillness

Sometimes I find there are moments when the universe aligns and there is a change of sorts. Not necessarily good or bad but a shift.  I feel like I walk through a doorway into some new state of being. When these moments happen I know that I am headed in the right direction and I have been  given the doorway to pass through.  It is difficult to describe this sensation.  all I can say is that it happens in stillness and if I close my eyes I can see my self relaxing back into an invisible wave.  I realize in comparison to my earlier Blog entries this sounds a bit out there, but I think it is important to remember that sometimes through stillness comes movement.

Being in New York City movement is essential and stillness is a luxury, but movement does not always bring advancement.  I had a session tonight that brought me back to the importance of stillness.  I sometimes forget this.  Stillness like quiet air can be scary. Sometimes chaos is more comforting for in it we are busy - too busy to think too busy to feel.  Slowing down can be scary and painful, but is always necessary.  

As a Pilates instructor I need to get a sense of where my client is at emotionally and physically within the first few moments of a session.  With a new client this is more challenging because I do not have a reference point.  It is extremely important that I can leave my own issues and feelings for that moment and find a stillness within myself so I can fully get a sense of where my client is.  When I can feel that the client  can also go to this place we are able to meet and amazing change takes place.  I am able to feel physically and intuitively where they need attention or change, and they too are able to provide information.  We work together on an unconscious and conscious level.  It is an amazing connection.  I learned this technique in both Pilates and Therapeutic training, but it takes practice and openness.  It is also important to note that in any good relationship each person involved has to put in the effort and meet part way and when that happens an amazing transformation can take place and movement begins to happen.

Exercise in stillness - the body scan

• Lie on the floor eyes closed (unless this is too scary in which case focus on one thing in the room)
  
• Begin with the feet and think about each area of the body notice and tension and just acknowledge that it is there
  
• Where there is tightness begin to breathe into it.  Sit with it. Sense if it is needed or not if not try to release the body enough that the tightness or pain begins to dissipate. 
  
• Work all the way up to the top of the head and then continue to breathe 
  
• Remain in this position as long as you feel you need 
  
• To come back into your body reverse the scan with small movements first in fingers and toes, then limbs, then head and neck, and finally turning to your side in a fetal position before standing up
  

Breathe

For some reason breath is the first idea that pops into my head today.  I am feeling somewhat anxious - I mean more than the usual anxiety that always seems to accompany me.  This has been a difficult summer.  It is my first summer as a single mom.  Thinking back to last year I was still with my Ex, and while things were difficult I was still in survival mode and did not really have the time or want to think about how it felt.  I just looked to the next hour or the next day until suddenly the summer was over and there I was single.  I do not regret that decision (the part where I left) at all but since then I have had to worry about how I am going to provide the basics to my child like food, clothes, and a home.  Unlike other single moms I do not receive money from my Ex and we do not have a shared custody arrangement so if I need anything I have to rely on my family or friends.  This in itself causes me a great deal of stress.  It has always been difficult for me to ask for help but since having Isabella it is all I seem to do.  I feel very fortunate and yet very strained to always have to reach out to others because it is impossible for me to do this on my own.  I do not know how women do this on their own without a network of people.  

So as I try this summer to balance my hours worked with the hours paid out in babysitting and calling on every person I know left in the city I occasionally remind myself to breathe.  

Breath

The "HA" breath

This is my favorite one in Pilates because it makes your abs work without having to think so much about it

• first cough or laugh so you can feel what the sensation is suppose to be like
  
• take that feeling and deepen it so say "HA" while pulling your navel back as deep as possible

This can be practiced anywhere but try to use it the next time you do crunches in the gym or during your next Pilates workout : )

The deep relaxation breath or "Belly Breath"

This is great when you are stressed out more than normal and have a few minutes. Usually if you are under intense stress you will notice that your breathing tends to be more in your chest, which can lead to more stress and a feeling of anxiety.  The ability to breath is shortened.  

• Place one hand on your chest and the other over your navel
  
• Breath and feel which hand begins to move higher. If it is the hand on your chest try to bring the breath lower toward the navel.  
  
• As you inhale try to expand the belly into your hand and as you exhale try to pull it away.  
  
• Making these breaths longer and slower will eventually help relax your mind and in turn calm down some of your immediate anxiety.
  

Isabella's Birthday Cupcakes

About a week ago Isabella turned 2...woohoo. My brother of course arrived at the party with the most decadent high caloric cupcakes he could make.  I on the other hand tried my best to make a cupcake that both tasted like childhood but would not pack on the guilt.  So hear it is:

Cake 

1 cup white all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon baking powder

1/4 teaspoon salt

3 Tablespoons unsalted butter

3/4 cup granulated sugar

1 large egg, lightly beaten

2 tablespoons lemon juice

1/2 cup skim milk

Preheat oven to 350F 

Whisk together flour, baking powder, and salt; set aside

In a separate bowl, beat butter and sugar with an electric mixer on medium speed for 3 minutes or until light and fluffy.  Bet in an egg and lemon juice. Beat 1/3 of the flour mixture until just combined.  Beat 1/2 the milk, followed by remaining milk and flour.

Fill cupcake liners about 2/3 of the way up and bake for 24-26 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Cool in pan for 100 minutes, then remove and cool completely on a wire rack.  

For Icing

1/2 stick of butter

1 jar (7oz) fluff ( YES!! Fluff that stuff from childhood)

1 teaspoon vanilla

2 cups confectionery sugar

optional: a dab of food coloring

Mix together with electric mixer the butter and fluff. Add vanilla.  Gradually add sugar.  Continue to mix until icing is a thick consistency.  

For best results frost cooled cupcakes.  Then place cupcakes with icing in the refrigerator for 1/2 hour.