Happy Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving I chose to stay in New York City instead of traveling to my parents house upstate.  A few reasons for it- financial and time restraints of course- but also I just can not find patience to travel with a toddler during peak hours.  I realize much more now that my destinations are closer to home because traveling with Isa is so nerve wracking and I'll be honest- annoying. I have also discovered that other travelers are not so compassionate to those of us who bring children with us.  So this year instead of dealing with the anxiety of it all I opted to remain home.  

I planned a morning with just Isa and I, and then agreed to have a lunch with Isa's father.  Isa and I woke up at our normal 5am time (yes that's right 5am-don't get me started on that one).  She is not a morning person at all, but still wakes up at 5am.  The first thing she usually does is scream for strawberry milk like she is being tortured.  Then she climbs back into bed and asks for Dora.  As much as I hate it I always give in because it allows me time to get ready and pack our bags for the day.  

This morning I think she would have been just as happy to stay in bed watching Dora, but instead I dragged her to the parade.  I have never been and I thought she would love it.  I don't think she loved it so much.  We got there at 6:30am and were met with an already thick wall of people. I found a spot that seemed the safest option among what was left on 70th and Central Park West, and plopped Isa down with her stickers, coloring books, and crayons.  We then began our "sit in" until the parade began at 9am.  Somewhere between 8 and 8:30 donuts and cookies began to be shared amongst the crowd and Isa had the children's version of a caffeine wake up call.  She was wired for the next 1/2 hour. 

Then of course the parade was about to begin and she decided she had enough and wanted to go home.  If any of you have been to the parade before you know this is just not possible- basically you are trapped until Santa arrives.  So I tried to keep her entertained on top of trying to get her excited about the balloons flying above her head.  It seemed like forever before Santa arrived. I am glad we went but I don't think it will be a tradition we keep often. I think I did it because I wanted to be a good Mom for ISa- I still have that need to go over and above to make up fo not being there enough physically. I think a lot of Moms share that need, but I need to kep myself in check as to whether I'm doing this for me or her. I may have missed on this one.

When the parade ended we walked through Central Park. It was a warm and clear fay so felt perfect to walk through the park letting Isa be my guide.  She seemed to enjoy that more than anything. When we reached the end of the park I put her in my ergo (which I realize she is probably too big for but I LOVE it! still). She quickly fell asleep and I followed the crowd down fifth avenue, which I still love to do during the holiday season. There is something about the lights and windows and YES the crowds that makes me truly thankful for living in this city.  

When I worked at the Metropolitan Museum, I often walked home (downtown-about 80 blocks) and during the holidays I would love it. It took forever to go anywhere of course but it was so beautiful that I just didn't care.  Walking home from Central Park now often reminds me of that time in my life, and I get so nostalgic for it. I intend to take advantage of  this holiday season and walk the same route many times over. If you ever get the chance I highly suggest it. It hurts yes- your legs ache your feet will feel like they may fall off but it is so amazing to do.  

I am certain that the meaning of Thanksgiving has changed over the years, but for me it has come to be a time where I can sit back and take a moment to truly appreciate what I have. I also am working hard to find acceptance and forgiveness in others (including my ex). I am so lucky to have so much in my life that brings me happiness. I have struggles and my share of burdens, but underneath it all my foundation is solid and happy. I am at a point in my life where I do not want to create or be a part of drama and chaos, and in doing that I feel the need to let go of those things and people who can create it in me. In order to truly do this I need to completely let go and that means finding forgiveness. It is a difficult thing especially when wounds run deep, but it is an important practice. I do not think forgiveness is about forgetting or saying "it is ok", but I think for me it is about making peace. Finding a new beginning and letting go while truly wishing the other person the best possible life. Freeing myself of intanglement without drama, control, anger, or fear. It is a practice-I'm not there yet and there will be much more on that to come. 

No exercise today- today is about rest and thankfulness and food.

Hope you all had and are having a wonderful Thanksgiving day!

Finding my Carefree Spirit

So as a 36 year old single mother you would think I would feel a bit more put together, but I don't.  I think as a kid I always thought that when I was a grown up I would finally feel secure and confident.  I don't know if anyone ever does.  I am sure there are some out there and I wish I knew their secret because I have been blessed with a big basket of anxiety.  I think I will always be caught in my pre-teen years as far as confidence goes.  I know this is crazy seeing as I have done so much in my life.  I have experienced more than most and travelled to more places than most people in my family. I guess I just thought that by this point in my life I would feel in control of my life. 

My typical day involves me running around looking very un-put-together.  Usually I have my gym outfit on and a child on my back...sometimes also a child in a stroller if I'm watching my neighbor's son. Most people look at me not because I look good but instead because I know in their head they are thanking God they are not me.  I know it is true because I see the pity cross their faces.  I never use to notice when guys checked me out on the street, but I was told it happened a lot.  Well, I certainly do see the people check me out now but it is because they are saying" Thank God I'm not her". 

I have tried to change, but it just doesn't last.  I am simply not the type of person who can spend extra time putting on make-up before leaving work to go get my child. To be honest I don't really put it on when I leave in the morning either, but I work in a Pilates studio.  Gym clothing is essential and I just can't be the type who wears make-up and sweatpants.  I also don't know where to begin- having a make-up artist brother has some perks.  I never really need to learn to do it for myself.

Getting back to my anxiety. Tomorrow I have another photo shoot and I am trying to be calm about it and zen about it.  I am trying very hard to be zen and calm about most things in my life, but as a doer in nature it is very difficult for me to achieve this. I have never been good at yoga because stillness in my mind is impossible. I like caffeine because it makes me think faster. I need to find solutions to things, and often relax best when being active. Having a photo shoot is difficult because I see myself as a bit of a nerd.  Well, to be honest more than a bit. 

There was a time when I was in my early 20's that I had confidence. It was a brief period from about 21-25, and then it was gone. I think it was the friends I had at the time that gave me that power to be free and be ok with who I was. I lost that during my 25th year and never got it back. I also lost the spontaniety I had. I traded these in for a more serious and stable existence, which has served me well. I think I need to find a bit of balance though. I need to try to be a bit more care free and spontaneous, which I am not sure is possible with a toddler. I guess it is worth a try. So now if I could only remember how to be spontaneous and care free - good thing about having a child is they can teach you that.  

Ab Series on the Jump Board

I love love love the jumpboard because you can act like a child

Add jumpboard to reformer and use 1 spring

• Begin with prancing from one leg to the next
  
• Curl forward and continue prancing Single Leg Stretch (about 10 on each leg) 
  
• Stay curled and move into Crosses (legs stay same arms change)
  
• Move to both legs together and jumping as arms reach over head and around to side
  
• Scissors (legs straight and switching)
  

Running in Circles

This week has been a strange one- lot's of people and thoughts of my past and a lot of stress and anxiety- not sure they are related. I feel like I am stuck in an obsessive cycle these days.  I know from my past experience as a therapist and as a student of therapy that people have a tendency to seek out the same events over and over until they can come to a different resolution. This always helps me when I feel obsessive. I tend to over analyze myself. One can say this is due to my therapeutic profession, but I think it is more about being female- we tend to over-analyze things. 

So not only am I obsessing and over analyzing but I'm also running in circles. I am making the same mistakes over and over and not learning my lessons. What's worse is I am completely aware of it. This kills me. When I was pregnant I was so damn clumsy. I use to run into things and fall down all over the place. This reminds me of that. "Andrea do not run into the pole." I repeated it over and over and every damn time I hit the pole. So my life these days seems similar to that. I actually tell myself the outcome and I still do the same stupid mistake.  So I guess a big theme is running in circles. 

We are destined to repeat things until we break the cycle. We need to learn our lesson, but first we need to know what it is we are doing wrong and what we are suppose to learn from it. I had an amazing professor at Pratt who often said if you are ALWAYS doing something or the outcome is ALWAYS the same then it is time to look at yourself as the source. In any case- I'm looking and trying desperately to figure it out because I seem to be running in the same patterns these days and making the same mistakes. 

One great thing about looking into my past is that I have been able to rediscover why I fell in love with art therapy. I think working in a job where I was under-appreciated and over worked really turned me away from the field. I still have not completely jumped back in since Isa was born 2 years ago. Part of that was because I was so emotionally drained from dealing with my ex and the Hell I was living I could not give an ounce more to another soul. I think now I am ready to give again. I have begun a few Pilates classes which is not quite the same but has given me a taste for running groups again. I am about to begin another group for women who have experienced trauma to their bodies- mainly emotional, physical and sexual abuse. I plan to use art therapy and Pilates and am actually excited again about diving into my practice. 

I was asked by a college student to answer questions about the field of art therapy and it made me think about several cases I had forgotten a long time ago. Already this past week I re-read my thesis that I have not even touched since it was printed and placed in the Pratt library.  Now I am re-opening the cases that touched me, and there are many. I think most of these came from working at SAVI with women who had been sexually abused. This is the work I was most proud of and the work that tore my heart into a million pieces but exhilerated me all at once. There are so many women I worked with that touched me but one story that I'll never forget came from one of my groups.

I think we had the group make containers representing inside and outside.  Usually this is to show how you present yourself to the world and how you feel on the inside.  One member had a beautiful outside but inside her box was black.  I noticed it right away, but waited for her to talk.  Like happens a lot in these groups, there was one person who spoke a lot and the time was running out. So I was very aware of the time and had to ask the woman to wrap up and also did a brief check in with other members to see if they wanted to speak. I wanted to hear from the woman with the black inside but was also feeling anxious about having adequate time for her to discuss. I could feel her depression and sadness and her need to be seen, and yet it was also her responsibility to take the time for herself in that space.  I felt her loneliness and need to be seen so I took her deeper than I would normally have gone because I felt she needed to feel safe and less afraid of the darkness. I had her leap into the box with me and travel into this darkness. We went to the bottom and climbed out together.  It was so intense we were both nearly in tears by the end. While I felt I could have stayed and explored with her more she realized she just needed to exist in this dark place for a while because it was her safety. This in itself made it safe again. Her sadness was serving her but not terrorizing her and that was an amazing acknowledgement and change so I didn't push further. By helping her the group ran over time and I failed the group because in order to save this member the group went over and some people were late for buses or trains.  The following week we had to deal with this failure on our part, but also this same member said that if this work had not been done she would have left the group.  It is a tricky balance.  

I found the most powerful work in these groups- they were difficult and intense but I learned so much from them. I also learned that cycles will continue unless you can face fear and change it. Sometimes we just need to break from the cycle and jump into the darkness. This is always easier to face with another person, but we can't always rely on people to be there. So for me I think I need to begin again facing my only darkness and make the leap to explore it. We all have that place inside us- sometimes it is bigger than at other times. I think one of the best things I have learned from art therapy and art itself is that black is not empty- it is instead a rainbow of color simply mixed too strongly and too closely. Sometimes we need to remain in darkness in order to distinguish these colors so that we can begin to make our lives more colorful again. It is scary - the idea of emptiness and loneliness but there can also be something comforting about it. 

Plank with variations

This week I have been pretty obsessed with the plank 

So as a beginner doing plank is a great way to begin to feel the serratus working (that muscle in the back of your arm pit) and to get your abs to fire (to protect your back) - (this plank is for a more advanced student)

• Begin with a full plank (hands firmly planted and fingers spread, legs straight, inwardly rotate inner thighs and externally rotate hips, abs in)
  
• Keep a strong plank formation and move left leg to side and back 8 times, repeat with right leg
  

Slowing Down and Accepting

So I had an entire entry written for this past week about disguises and Halloween, but it just didn't feel right in the end to post it.  Maybe I'm beginning to feel to aware of my audience and realize that there truly are people reading this and wanting to read it.  I am trying hard to forget all that and remain true to my thoughts so bare with me.  

This week has been a mixed one.  Isabella was sick- so so sick and it wiped us both out for a while.  It is difficult to watch your child suffer especially when there is nothing you can do for them.  The feeling of being helpless is an unsettling one for me.  I am a doer and fixer and it is so hard to sit by and watch helplessly.  So while I was hoping to post a photo of Isa in the amazing monster costume we made together I can't because she got sick the day before and was too sick to go out on Halloween.  Disappointing and yet it is what it is.  Motherhood I am learning is about letting go and accepting things as they happen.

On Friday, Isa woke up and decided, after months of wanting to be a Monster for Halloween, that today she wanted to be a Giraffe. Let me put into perspective that it was 5:15am and we needed to be dressed, fed and out the door by 6:10.  Normally this is a feat in itself, and today I need to find something other than a Monster for her to wear to school.  So I do what mothers do and act on instinct, go to the everything closet and grab what I remember to be a gift some time ago to Isa from someone on a trip to Hawaii.  So while all the boys in class were Monkeys and the girls princesses Isa was a surfing, Hawaiian, snowboarding girl.  I love that she is so original.  

As for the monster costume- it is so amazing I can't throw it in the closet just yet.  Isa won't even pretend to want to wear it, but I keep hoping I can at least get a photo of her.  The entire weekend we just lay in bed watching cartoons and TV and eating chicken soup.  Sleeping off and on, and it was the best time ever.  To spend an entire day with my baby and nothing else to do. Which brings me to an entirely different issue. I miss my child.

I realize this is what happens as a parent, but I am still struggling with being away from my child. It just seems so soon, and I really wanted to be the earth mom who made fresh food and created art daily. I also love my job, and can't imagine life without it. I think I am still trying to find the balance. I realize to pay bills and stay living in NYC I need to work much more than I am, and yet I just can't take myself away from Isa anymore than I do. I have already compromised the type of mother I want to be and am desperately trying to be OK with the mother I am becoming, but it is a constant compromise.  

I'm not sure what the theme of this blog is. I think the week has been full of struggle and compromise. I think a lot of people in my life have been struggling with big issues this past month, and it is difficult to always see meaning and purpose. Sometimes it just is. Sometimes there is no purpose. Sometimes we need to compromise and slow down. I think for me this weekend was a reminder to rest, to slow down, to enjoy the moments with Isa even if they are not what I would want them to be. 

Walking 

because so many people I know are sick or under a lot of stress and walking is the best combination of relaxation and exercise

(I know not quite Pilates, but use the same posture and your body will thank you for it)

• Choose a path or road that is relaxing or enjoyable
  
• Choose music that helps you relax or forget about your problems
  
• Give yourself at least 1/2 hour or more and clear your schedule
  
• DO NOT answer your phone- this is still exercise and should be treated as such
  
• Abs in, shoulders relaxed, and just walk