Hope in Tragedy

Having another one of those weeks where my brain isn't functioning so well. Woke up at around 2am in a panic over my debt and being a single Mom in general. I often have these thoughts of being alone at 80, Isa grown and gone, no savings, and no one to care if I fall down the stairs. Completely unreasonable I know but there are times I go deep into my black hole.

I think back a lot to my days when I was working in a Domestic Violence shelter with women who had multiple children and no income. I can understand there fear and despair a bit better now than I did then. Often I was frustrated by these women, but now I get it. I think there are so many stories out there from women who have made it through and I use that as inspiration. I know I have had it fairly easy- having so many people in my life who have helped me through. Some of the women I worked with never had anyone tell them they were on the right path or that they did the right thing. They left abusive situations and sometimes went back but often times did not. There was one woman I remember who was gorgeous and strong. She left Africa to come to the USA for a better opportunity. While in Africa she was run out of her home when men tried to kill her father. Later in life she married and had a son. Her son had a form of autism and perhaps because of this her husband was exceptionally cruel. He would hold guns to her head and to her sons head. She eventually escaped and was extremely thankful to find refuge at the shelter. She was one of the few women who had to pay to be there because she refused to give up her job.

The shelter system is still a bit confusing to say the least. It is not enough to be abused. In order to receive government help you also need to give up everything. Thinking of what that means makes me even more amazed at what these women go through. They have nothing to hold on to that gives them a sense of identity outside of their children. Nothing that tells them they can do it on their own. It use to be that women would often get an apartment of their own by the end of their stay in the shelter, but now housing is difficult to obtain. Often they are leaving one shelter to go to another and then another after that. I know from having travelled with Isabella that even staying one night in a different location can be stressful. It brought me to tears- I can't imagine having to do it often. If you do not know the ways of the shelter system. This is the gist of the way it was when I was there. Keep in mind budget cuts have made it even harder now. If you are a woman with children you are put in a priority list and most often given shelter in one of the many shelters in NYC. If you area woman without children leaving an abusive situation you do not have this option. Abused mothers will first make the phone call to Safe Horizons and then be passed through to a shelter who will screen the case and make a decision based on need and criteria to admit or deny the case. The woman will then be called back and told she has a time limit to get to the shelter or she will be told she does not fit the shelter's qualifications. If accepted the woman is told to go to the nearest police precinct where she will be met by a staff person from the shelter. Often times she will have her belongings in a few bags or garbage bags. The family is take n to shelter and given enough food and household items for the next few days and shown to their room. This would be a Tier ! shelter- the family is allowed to stay for 30 -90 days. In my experience the apartments have been nice and clean and somewhat large, but I know others exist that are not this way. Over the next few days they will tell their abuse story and life history several imes. They will see several therapists and have to begin paperwork for housing and welfare. They will be inundated with things that are needed from them and their children will need to begin a new school almost immediately. There will be many people showing up on their doorstep and asking for things. They will be expected to be friendly and appreciative and open. And yet they will not be given the time and space to mourn what they have lost. There will be a rapid movement and feelings will have to be shut down to get through what needs to get through. Often there will be a change in the personality of the client and they will begin to show their true self. Most of the time they will taste freedom for the first time. Then as they begin to feel safe , perhaps for the first time, they will be told it is time to leave. In the lucky cases they will have an easy case and things will move swiftly through the government process. They will find an apartment that fits their budget and the amount and qualifications alloted by the State. In many cases they will not have this and will need to move to another shelter- a Tier II. These are not as nice but there can still be a sense of community. I did a few groups at one of these as well. The women often have their own apartment but these are not as private and nice as the Tier I. They are not supported by staff to share their feelings and are not encouraged in groups to discuss what has happened to them. They are there to get housing and to move on. I saw a woman who was at my Tier I and was moved to tier II. It just so happens that she was also in the group I was doing in the Tier II. The change I saw in her was that she was more depressed. More quiet. Her son, who was a smiling 6 month old when he first arrived, was regressed and tempermental. It was not uplifting. So if they can not get Tier II placement they are sent to EAU- the public shelter. They are sent to sit with every homeless person in the city in a building that is too small and too overpopulated. There is not enough that can be done and often they are to sit all day waiting to be called, Hoping to be placed in a shelter. Often they are not and so they wait. Or they give up hope and they return to their abuser.

Often we do not hear again from the women sent to these shelters. As a mom I know that I would do anything for my child. I also know from leaving a bad situation with my Ex that there is a big part of who you are that needs to shut down when you need to find safety for your child The focus is on existing through the day and looking for what is safe for your child. I only had one child and I always had a place to go because of my brother. I was not physically abused and the apartment was in my name. There was a lot I did not need to deal with. These women are in most cases younger than me. the average age is 25. They often have multiple children. They may or may not have had jobs. They are alone and unsupportive. There is an amazing sense of being trapped. To begin to explore feelings is to open a deep well of sadness and panic. I can't even imagine it, but I can understand it. I was on the edges of that despair but I always knew in my mind I would never truly be allowed to fall.

So why do I write about this. It is not to bring depression and panic to everyone else so that I feel company. I think over the past week I have felt a sense of hopelessness in watching clips from Haiti. I do not have a television and cannot see or hear the current sense of fear and despair. I have a friend there now who is a journalist and says it is the worst disaster he has ever seen. I saw footage of a 13 year old girl being pulled from rubble and I cried while watching a public TV in my gym. The sense of loss and despair os unimaginable and uncomprehensible. It is enough to freeze the world and make us panic in our own way. It has made me think back to those who I saw as strong and think of the daily strengths and also injustices that go on around us.

There is a lot of destruction in the world- some controlled and some not. It is what we do with that destruction that makes the difference. Do we try to help in anyway we can even simply by acknowledging that it exists or do we continue on as we have ignoring the truth. I want to continue to acknowledge the pain, try to be a small part of the solution or the comfort, and also continue to live. It is a difficult thing to live in the wake of disaster. There is a sense of guilt that accompanies being healthy and having a roof over our heads, but it is important to live. So there are times in this Blog that I write about mundane things such as going to the park with Isa or having to share the swings with supermodels and I will continue to write about these mundane activities. These are realities and so important because they are trivial and carefree. It is important that within something so tragic that something so mundane must exist. So as much as it may stun an observer- I hope that today there is a child or group of children that are finding something to laugh about or a ball to kick or a game to play. As inapporpriate as it may seem this mundane and "normal" activity is what will help to make the children and people of Haiti begin to live again. The devastation is overwhelming and I know I do not know the half of it. So to find a 13 year old girl in rubble and pull her from it brings hope, but they also will need money and food and medical attention. I am sure by now everyone has seen or heard how to contribute and here are a few foundations I have heard of and seen to be loyal and reputable. I wish there was more I could do but I know that for now money is the most needed.

Red Cross
Madre

Child's Pose
1. Begin with hands underneath the shoulders, knees underneath the hips
2. Place hips onto the heels, keeping arms in front, C-curve in spine, knees open toes and together
3. Rest forehead on the floor
4. Relax and breathe deeply