Dreaming of Summer

I just finished watching Secret Lives of Bees. I’m not sure why it effected me so much but I cried nearly through the entire thing. It made me homesick for childhood in the summer country air with warm nights and a cool breeze, sitting on the deck with my brother and kids from the street. We often would sit out and catch fire flies. I don’t know what we did most of the time, but I remember being outside all day. We picked rasberries and blackberries from the yard and went exploring in the woods or cornfields. It seeemed like an enormous and endless field- like another country and yet now it doesn't seem like much. I use to pretend I had come across a mystical woods. There was one place if you passed all the way to the other side of the field where there were reminence of a farm house. You could see the outhouse still there and find old jars. There were abandoned cars and a small clearing with Indian Corn. It was our play-field as a kid. I miss that. I miss the smell of it and the freedom in it. I miss long empty days with bare-feet and dirt under my fingernails.

Dakota Fanning looks a lot like Isabella. I think I also was thinking of what Isa’s childhood will be like. It will be different than mine. I hope she continues to hold onto her passion and fire but also her sweetness. Tonight I curled up with her like most nights and said” I love you Isa, I love you so much.” She smiled a deep happy smile and instantly grabbed my neck and hugged me saying” Mommy, I love you too.” Sometimes I wonder who takes care of whom. She always seems so surprised and so amazed by my love. I think we take it for granted a lot that of course we love our children. I can’t imagine a love stronger than what I feel for my child, but I wonder if she feels it. I dont know if I felt it as a child and in this movie Lilly definitely doesn't feel it and doubts it the whole way through. So I think I need to tell Isa every day, and show her that my love for her is so deep nothing could ever stand in its way.

Mothers are a special breed. I think the stories of survival and strength could (and do) fill books, and I never tire of hearing them. I have another publicity shoot tomorrow. I should be nervous or excited but I dont feel anything. All I want is to be back in the summer air on the porch where all that matters is the sound of crickets and maybe popcorn popping. I guess that is where I am torn. I huge part of me wants to be on that country porch and yet I seem to be working hard to stay in the city and make a life for my daughter and I. Doesn't quite make sense. But I guess that is life and part of the journey. Roads don't always make sense but they always lead us Home (at least I hope so).

Cat Stretch (for lazy summer days)
1. Knee on hands and knees, spine in neutral (straight) with shoulders relaxed, knes under hips and hands under shoulders
2. Inhale, engage pelvic floor and lower Abdominals
3. Exhale, scoop Abdominals into spine, flex spine by curling tailbone toward head and lowering top of head toward floor
4. Inhale extend spine so back is arched like a cat stretching
5. Exhale back to neutral

Repeat 5-6 times