Fairytales

In my last post I wrote about New Years goals etc., and one that I need to add is being better about updating my Blog. So I am trying my best to stick to it. I am also, like the rest of the world, trying to deal with my Holiday overindulgence. I was only at my parents' for 4 days but I think I ate enough for years to come. I am usually a healthy eater and advocate of exercise, however, something about the cold winter in the country makes me lethargic and hungry. Not to mention my Mom's cookies are on every table I see (in case you missed it my mom makes the most amazing and delicious un-resistable cookies www.cookiecreationsny.com - sorry needed to add the plug there).

So I have been back in reality dealing with the aftermath of the holiday whirlwind. I tepidly stepped on the scale this morning expecting to have gained 5-10 pounds, and am surprised to see the same number as before. Instead of jumping up and down I thought instead, "it must be broken". Ahh to be a girl.

Speaking of Girls - Isa continues to amazing me with all that she has taken in. She is becoming such a little girl, and it is difficult to stay in the moment and enjoy it. Sometimes she seems like such an adult and other times till such a baby. We are working on a lot of transitions right now like potty training, which is going to do me in. I just remind myself that everyone goes through it and it will happen... eventually. Like all the other difficult stages that we got through together (FYI she is still licking everything, but i think it slowed down when I licked her back and she got a bit grossed out).

She also, to my Joy, has moved from Dora to the" Princess stage". I can deal with this a bit better, although I can't help but analyze the Prince's. Perhaps part of my problem was that I grew believing everyone had a true love out there. I'm not so sure anymore. I think, in fact I know, I was extremely naive growing up, and did not truly understand the realities of the world. I thought that if I tried to be a good person and fair person that good things would find me. I know I have the best thing in the world in Isa, and if I never do find that true love I can be OK with knowing I at least have her. But, I think I would like to find someone. I still believe there is a person out there for everyone if we want that. I also am learning that we draw people to us with whom we can work through lessons or issues. I needed my Ex in order to learn and grow out of certain things, and it was not all bad but I learned all I could from that. I am still recovering but through that also still learning. I now think I need to work on accepting someone good into my life with whom I can grow and share. Maybe Prince Charming and Prince Philip don't really exist, but reality is sometimes better. I think we all need to dream and hope so I can continue to watch the Princess movies over and over with Isa, and like her dream that my life can be as magical as the Princess' in the movie and maybe someday it will.

Flight (because every good Princess movie has a helpful bird)

1. Lie on stomach arms at sides palms down, legs slightly apart, pull abdominals in. Forehead resting on mat.
2. Inhale to lift chest off mat using upper back muscles and abdominals, keep looking down at mat, shoulder blades glide down back toward feet hold up for 2-3 seconds.
3. Lower down with out letting low back and pelvis relax.

Repeat 3-5 times

Change

One of the Blogs that I am linked to is Ms Single Mama (www.mssinglemama.com), which has helped me though some tough times and inspired the way I write this Blog. In her latest entry she talks about a low point at the end of last year when she felt vulnerable and needed to ask for help. It made me think about many things. First the past year and all I have survived. I am truly stronger yet also changed (in some ways for the better and in some not so much). I am continuously learning and challenging myself. Like Single Mama I did not change until I allowed myself to become vulnerable. I think until we reach that point where we have nothing left and just need to be honest it is difficult to go on. Each day for me is full of questioning and doubt, but it also forces me to risk and find strength when I thought I was lost. 

The past few months have been difficult. I have been questioning a lot about my life, and wondering if the choices I am making are right. Now that I have Isa to think about I need to make better choices, and I'm not sure the things I am doing are the best. I was seriously considering moving back in with my parents for a while. It would give me time to pay off my debt and save a bit to start off on a better foot. In my head I think I also wanted to be closer to them and see if I could help them in a way. 

I did not expect to be a single Mom and in every way was unprepared for it. Emotionally I was completely unprepared and financially I was nearly done in. I was functioning on level zero on both counts. I am moving through the emotional aspect but the financial one just won't budge. So I thought moving home would give me some time to ease the panic. I could stop paying for daycare or find a less expensive one near my parents and I could commute to NYC 4 days a week. I had it all planned until I went home for Christmas. The reality of my life came crashing down and I realized this plan was simply a fantasy. I am not going to get into the exact issues, but there was a reason I left home and I just can't go backward I need to move forward. At the moment I'm not sure where forward is leading but I am hoping it is a more peaceful and safe place. 

Thinking about the past also raises a lot of ideas about the future. This past year was such an emotional mix. I survived on my own, became closer to my gorgeous daughter, became a better and stronger mother, started to date, and even began to find forgiveness for my Ex (still working on that one). There are a lot of things I would like to see happen in 2010. I think a lot of 2009 was about finding an inner peace and strength, but I think 2010 needs to be about growing outwardly. I've become so protective that I have nearly cut myself off from the outside world. I need to learn to have fun again and trust again. Recently I reconnected with a few friends from the past and even reached out and started new friendships with other single moms. After spending time with my dearest old friend I thought how amazing it was to be able to still sit with her and talk even though our lives were in different places than the last time we saw each other. Then over the next few weeks we continued to be in touch through emails and our Blogs, and her words of kindness and truth brought me to tears. I realized how tightly I had been protecting myself  and how alone that made me. So after a few years of just keeping it together and making it through I am ready to start letting people in. I'm not sure how to do that just yet, but I'm working on it. So that's my goal for 2010. I'm done with resolutions I think they are too restrictive, but we all need something to aspire to and dream about.

What's your goal?

Cobra/Swan

• Lie on your abdominals, facing he floor, legs extended behind you (together or hip width apart), tops of the feet on floor reaching toes to wall behind you so you feel a stretch from hip bones
• Engage abdominals until you feel your navel lift up off floor
• Place the palms of your hands flat to floor just under your shoulders, elbows close to your sides. Inhale and lift your abdominals from the mat.  Straighten arms while drawing shoulders down from ears, feel scapula draw down side of ribcage, lift top of your head toward ceiling (do not look up to ceiling by arching your neck - this is a stretch for your upper and mid back).
• Feel the center of your chest lift high to the ceiling, pull abdominals tighter
• Exhale and lower your upper body to mat, keep your elbows bent and close to your sides

Repeat 3-5 times

1. 
   

Let it Snow

I just finished watching Auntie Mame for the hundredth time. If you have never seen it go to Netflix or the nearest DVD rental NOW! It is a must. (Unless of course you hate classic movies.) I watched the first half with Isa, and surprisingly she was very interested- shows she has good taste already. I am fairly sure it can be counted as a Christmas movie. It is definitely a great inspiration for the single momma...ok "Yes" it is a dramatized musical movie but still I love the inspiration. Mame is a complete crazy eccentric artist and I LOVE HER!! I wish I were brave enough to be her. Oh and check out the party scene in the beginning and all the artistic references. Truly the movie is about life and being true to yourself, but also portrays the magic of Christmas and how it can make everything a little bit brighter. 

I haven't really been in the spirit of Christmas much this year. I keep waiting for it to strike. Isa is so much more aware now than ever before of Santa and presents. I'm sure when she gets to my parents and sees all her cousins she'll be even more excited. I think I will feel a bit more excited too. 

I took her to see the tree at Rockefeller Center this past Thursday. Every year 

one of my favorite things to do is walk down fifth avenue during holiday season. Isa was asleep and I carried her in my Ergo (love it still). When I got to the tree I woke her up and a part of me didn't think she would be so into it. I had been dragging her all over throughout the month and she never really liked any of it. To my surprise she was amazed....not by the tree but by the decorations around the tree. She loved the statues of toy soldiers playing instruments and laughed with Joy at the skaters. We walked right up under the tree. And then of course we went to Magnolia for cupcakes (there is now one uptown....how convenient). I think the cupcake was the best part for her. She turned to me when we got her blue cupcake and said, "Mom, where is the big tree?". Umm. if the tree at Rockefeller Center isn't big enough I'm in trouble.

She is also in this licking stage so the cupcake and frosting were very appropriate. I am told it is normal even though she seems to be the only one doing it. Yesterday she licked my door. It started with her licking my arm or face like a cat. Gross, but as Mom's we have to deal with these little gross gifts all the time. It progressed from there to licking windows. This happened on a Metro North train and had a huge Ick factor for me. Luckily I'm not a germaphobe. Then it got worse. She licked the subway seat and window and bar. It was 

major disgusting and took all my effort to stay sane because it was too much to watch. I can't imagine it tasted good, but she continued to do it like she was testing out flavors at a Baskin Robbins. So today it snowed. Isa's friend (3 days apart) decided to lick and eat the snow. His parents were a bit concerned. Isa, who loves ice, could care less about eating snow because she was too busy licking the store window. I had to pry her away. I hope this stage passes soon because if she ends up like that little boy in A Christmas Story, stuck to a pole, I just don't think I could take it.

Regardless of all the licking and tantrums, I am a truly blessed Momma. Most of the time I am in bliss over the amazing child I have. She is hilarious and sweet and makes me smile most of the time. She calls me beautiful Mommy our of the blue. She cuddles like crazy. Tonight she just wanted me to hold her like I did when she was little. It is incredible how big she is now. Every day she learns more. I had a glimpse tonight of when she was a baby - I would stare at her for hours. I don't do that much anymore because we are more active together, but tonight I had a chance to re-live that time when I held her close and just watched her. It is truly the best feeling in the world. It is magic, and the best part is you can see the excitement of life in the eyes of children. Especially around Christmas, and even more so when it snows.

I am certain this is a magical time because no matter what, it brings us back to our childhood, and I think for the month of December we can chase down some of that magic and hope to catch a bit to hold on to. Sometimes we need to believe in Santa and know that someone is thinking of us enough to get us a gift. It is a time to remember others in our life as well as forgive. It is truly a time of peace, and allowing a space for acceptance. I am not from a religious family so I know I do not appreciate the religious aspects of Christmas, but I do feel the energy and love and peace that comes with it each year. The expectation, excitement, and hope. In times when there seems a great need for all of this it is a perfect time for Christmas.

Mermaid 

A fairy tale creature for a Fairy tale time

• Sit on the floor with both legs folded to the left side.
  
• Torso should be as straight as possible, Abdominals are drawn in to support spine
• The right hand is on the floor
  
• Keep your left shoulder down, away from your ear, as you extend your left arm straight up above your head.
• Keep your left hip grounded as you lengthen your spine through the center of your body. Extend your ribcage up to the ceiling
• Your support hand moves further away from your body to increase the stretch. You can also fold the supporting elbow down onto the floor.
• Keep your shoulders down and your scapula settled in your back, even at the farthest point of your reach.
• To initiate your return, send your left sit bone down toward the mat. Then use your abs to begin to bring your torso up.

• Repeat 2 to 3 times and switch sides.

Ambiguity

I have lived in New York City for nearly 16 years, and I often go through a love hate relationship with it. Obviously, most of the time I am in love with it, but there are times (like now) when I could throw in the towel and move on. I'm sure the stresses of being a single mom and a single woman in her 30's does not help the situation. It is expensive to live here and I'm not sure how much longer I can truly find the fire needed to make it work. There was always a small part of me that had in the back of my mind that I could always move in with family either upstate or Chicago until I started over. Move, pay off my debt, and start again. 

I think socially it would be a social death to leave NYC. Here I can leave my apartment and feel like a normal single woman in her 30's. I think outside of here it wouldn't be that easy. I fear I would end up sad and lonely, but maybe that is what it is -just fear talking. Maybe I would turn into one of those crazy eccentric woman who live in the country. And yet, when I look inside myself I know I do not want to leave.  

I am the type of person who digs my heels deep and refused to budge even when, especially when, the going gets tough. I tend to work harder through those times. When the EX ended up in the hospital the first time due to his drinking I was one of the few who actively helped him because I was partly responsible for him being there-I knew it had gone too far. When 9/11 traumatized the city and we all went numb and helpless, I refused to leave because for me it was a sign of escaping and letting others deal with the problem. When I was a therapist I chose to work in the scariest areas of the city with those people most others had already turned their backs on because I refused to close my eyes to the evils of the world. And of course, when I found myself poor, nearly homeless, and a single mom I chose to fight my way out of victimhood and into strength. I refuse to now give up because life again has gotten in the way. 

How do we do that? How do we carry on when we follow when path and find out halfway through that it was indeed not the easy way. I think for me I continue on and hope that at least it is an interesting journey. I have never been one to take the easy way even when I knew it was available. Having Isabella has changed that a bit. I tend to choose things that are a bit more stable or safe, but most of the time these things life throws are out of our control. I want her to live in NYC for a while longer. I want to be here myself. So I will continue on, and hope that even as things get hard that at least there will be some part of it that is interesting or some part that improves me as a person. 

I'm sure tomorrow I will wake up and my mind will be in a different state. I think just trying to balance a budget that never is truly balanced and handle a 2 year old I am just over my head. Last weekend Isa threw a tantrum in the subway station giving me visions of her running into the track. So I picked her up and yelled at her (ok sternly talked) and she smacked me in the face. I, of course trying to be the modern mother and follow "the rules" provided to us modern moms scolded her again without yelling, and she looked me in the eye stuck her finger up her nose and wiped a booger on my face. I don't need to tell you the looks I got from those tourists and locals on the Grand Central platform or the yelling (yes yelling) that happened between me and Isa. She is 2. She used the only defense she has. I think it was a tipping point. What am I doing here? I love this city but truly can't take advantage of it the way I use to. I am always working too much and exhausted and then stressed when I'm not working enough. 

I need a break. Or at least I need a date. Yes I am thinking of opening that can of worms again. Not quite sure, but hey why not. I'm sure I'll run far far away the first few times, but it gets easier right, and perhaps it will help me feel somewhat normal again. Perhaps. Either that or I eat my way through Isa's Christmas cookie collection or start buying the odd outfits I would need to pull of my eccentric look in a small country cottage. 

Core Principle: Hip Differentiation 

sometimes we need to remember the basics and start from the deepest part of ourself in order to find movement and begin again

Hip Differentiation- differentiate the movement of the femur bone from the pelvis

Knee Stirs

• Lie on your back in a neutral pelvis position, knes table top, hands on knees
  
• Maintain neutral, stir femor )hip) bones slowly in both directions. Allow the leg to release in sockets.
  
• Try to maintain neutral so continue to use abs with no movement in spine
  

Knee Folds

• Lie on back in neutral pelvis, knees bent and feet flat to floor
  
• Maintain neural, lift one leg to table top (90), lift 2nd leg to 90
  
• Exhale touch toe of one foot to mat and then bring it back to 90
  
• Inhale at top, exhale other leg down to floor and up to 90
  

Repeat 8 on each side alternating legs each time

Stabilize pelvis while leg glides in socket

Holidays Past and my Dating Future

This time of year makes me so nostalgic for years past. I feel like that every year and yet each year I feel also let down that I can't capture the same excitement I had years ago. I'm not talking about just the time when Santa was magical and the anticipation of gifts was enough to burst my heart. I'm talking also of the enjoyment of simple things.

I remember my first Thanksgiving spent in NYC- I think I was 19.  It was snowing and I was working as a vendor on St. marks Place (things were much much different then in the city and in my life). I was still excited by the city. I had not yet explored its nooks and could still see newness in it. 

The thing I remember is watching all the people who had moved out of the city return to see friends or family.  I still remember it as a night of magical possibilities.  I was in a different time in my life. I think at that time I was a student at NYU and loved to hang out between St. Marks Place and West 10th street.  It seemed much easier to do nothing and yet do everything with nothing. We were never bored and meeting people was so easy. I think I trusted much more back then. The only people who had let me down at that point had been my family. I think I was rebelling against my family at that time, which may be why I was not home for Thanksgiving. Holidays certainly make one reflect on where they are and where they have been. 

Time is a funny thing-I feel like it was yesterday and yet another life-time ago. I am so different now then I was then. there was a day when I was working at the stand on St. Marks and a guy came by to talk. (This was very common-people just sat and talked all day). I think he made part of his living creating and reading astrological charts. He told me that in the future I would be in a very different place than now doing something completely different than I thought I would be doing. He didn't read my chart -it was just a comment. Perhaps he was a true psychic, but I think in truth most of us end up doing something drastically different than we set out to do in school. I was meant to be an artist. I think in some ways I still am, but I've changed my ideas a bit. I found it difficult to make a living and to be honest I was never good at competing and selling myself the way one had to in art school and later in the "art world".

Looking back at that snowy Thanksgiving Eve and that short period in my life, I am reminded of the girl I was. I don't think I would want to go back there. I like who I am, but I am a bit envious of the ease in which I use to trust people. I think I have shut down over the years. Looking back on it I think I began my shut down with each boyfriend I had. Each one taking a bit more trust. I know this is why I fear dating now-not because I don't rust men. More true- I don't trust my own instincts when it comes to men. One of the main reasons I worked so closely with abused women when I was a therapist is because I wanted to see if there was some secret in them that I shared. Some thing in us that made us choose these men that broke us down and made us feel so poorly about ourselves. I know for a fact that good men are out there, but I just am not sure I can trust myself to find one. A main reason why I have put my trust in friends to find me dates instead. I need an outside screening agent. I know my strengths, and dating has never been something I excel at.

I think when we hit our 30's we know more about ourselves but have more scars on our emotional hearts. I have to get over it and I will, and I apologize in advance to those poor men who need to date me as I work through it. So I guess it's safe to say I'm jumping into the dating game again. More to come on that one-although I don't think I'll be writing about my dating adventures, but more my pure dorkiness as the ultimate worst dater. 

Rowing (from my past to my future and everywhere in between)

-to be done with 2 pound weights-

Back Rowing - Round Back

Sit with legs extended (unless you have tight hips and can't straighten back, if so bend knees slightly)

Hold weights in hands the entire time

• Inhale-pull arms into circle, palms face chest, elbows wide
  
• exhale- engage abdominals to curl back to top of tale bone, arms stay 6 inches in front of chest
  
• inhale- open arms to side, rotate arms, and press back
  
• exhale- round torso forward as arms continue to press back until hands are behind the body
  
• inhale-keep torso forward, circle arms around to front 
  
• exhale- pull abdominals in and roll the back up until the torso is straight over the hips
  

Back Rowing - Flat Back

Sit with legs extended (unless you have tight hips and can't straighten back, if so bend knees slightly) , hold arms in 90 degrees palms facing you

Hold weights in hands the entire time

• exhale- engage abdominals and lean back, keep arms at 90
  
• inhale- hinge forward from hips as the arms reach forward on a high diagonal as the chest lifts
  
• exhale- round the back over as the arms come forward beside the legs
  
• inhale- circle the arms around to the back
  
• exhale-reach arms back and around as the torso stacks up to return to starting position
  

My dear friend

One of the things I love about Thanksgiving weekend is seeing old friends. This past weekend I was able to catch up with a dear long time friend-my best friend for many of the most important and formative years of my life. She was as close, if not closer, than a sister for most of those years. The thing about growing up is sometimes relationships change. I never would have thought we would be inseparable and yet we were. 

Growing up sometimes means forgiveness and letting go - especially when we can't remember the grudge we were holding on to in the first place. I do remember "the grudge"of course- it had to do with my EX (big surprise I know). OF COURSE IT DID! The shame in that is punishment enough. It is still difficult at this point in time to imagine there was a moment when I put him above everything else. I guess that is what love does to us- that and being a co-dependent person (which by the way I am still figuring out specifics on -entirely different topic.) I could write books on what I gave up for me EX and the stupidity and embarrassment it caused, but this entire blog is about discovery and moving on so on we go. 

I was lucky enough to be given a second chance with my dear friend. We are older now and yet it felt pretty close to where we were before she moved. Pretty close to sitting around getting ready to go out on some adventure about town. Now I'm sure you would love to be in the loop on those nights about town but for now those are secrets kept buried in my chest. They were all full of carefree 20 year old friends who loved each other more than their own self and often their own family. They were nights full of fun and love and more warmth than a summer evening in Italy. They formed me into the person I am today.

What I discovered this weekend is that it is so much better to reach out and move on. Get over "the grudge" rediscover a friend. There are so many damn rules we live by in life with people these days- sometimes we just need to let rules go, let stubbornness fall, and reach out- RISK! 

When I was younger I often heard of my mother's best friend from high school. The two were supposedly unsepparable, and yet I never met her. I thought this was sad. I, myself, lived for my grlfriends in school and could not imagine ever being without them. I realize now how sad it must have been for my mother. I do not know the circumstances in her not being in touch with her friend, but I do know now how lonely life can get. I think having a child is amazing, but being a single mom is lonely. My mom was not single, but she may as well have been (again- completely different story for another time). I think as we age it is difficult to make time for friends in the same way we once did. Life takes over and we need to often make choices which include marriages, children, and moves. 

I long for those days when my nights were spent lying around and laughing all night with my closest friends. There are times when my heart aches for those days, and yet I can't say I would trade in what I have now for it. It was so amazing to have a taste of it again though. Some people never experience that kind of deep friendship and I nearly threw it away. I am lucky to have had it at all. Some people are blessed with true love and amazing relationships- I was blessed with true friendship. Sometimes we get both. I'm still hopeful on that, but for now I am so blessed to be reminded that there was a time when I had a friend who was thicker than blood and truer than true where words needed not be spoken and the space in between could be as distant as an ocean but would never be felt. 

Heart opening on roller

• Using a large foam roller, carefully lie down so that each vertebrae match the roller, feet flat to floor, knees bent
  
• Lift arms to ceiling, keep ribs and spine to roller
  
• Turn palms to each other and then let arms pull away until they are straight out to side walls like a "T"
  
• Bend elbows so that palms face ceiling
  
• Stay here and let pecs stretch and open