The thing is...

The thing about being a single Mom is that the weight of ...hmmm....everything is on me. I need to make it work. I need to make ends meet even when they don't. I need to be a magician and miracle worker. I need to fail and pick myself up without self pity. And so I do. I try again with a new zest, and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, but I try.

The thing about being independent is sometimes (well most times) you forget there are other people in the world who actually want to help. You forget that you don't have to do everything yourself, and I know you won't believe this, but actually people you can trust. Once you do things for yourself for so long it becomes difficult to allow others in. It is scary. What if I trust you to help and you fail or forget or disappear (that's a big one). What if I let you in and then I depend on you a little bit and then you leave and I crash and need to learn to be alone and independent again.

The thing about being self sufficient is that it is safe. I am protected. I am not too happy or too sad. My heart is well protected and I will not fall. I am not bitter and I am not hateful. I am admittedly timid and scared. I am not afraid to live life alone but I am afraid to care and be let down again. My trust was completely and utterly destroyed, and the person who did the crushing doesn't even remember why he betrayed me. The person that did the crushing has no memory of my heartbreak, my pain, my effort, my love, or me. He betrayed me long before I knew he was doing it and now does not even remember that. So I moved on, and yet I can't trust. I hate that he has destroyed that part of me because I use to be a very kindhearted trusting person, and now I have armor thicker than steel.

The thing about trust is it can be rebuilt slowly when there is hope. I still have hope. I have dreams and live in Fairy tales in my head. I imagine the life I want and hope one day to be strong enough to reach out for it. Slowly I am reaching out and letting people in again to my life. This all comes from finding forgiveness.

The thing about forgiveness is I can't begin to forgive my Ex until I can find it in me to forgive myself. Perhaps this sounds odd, but I have so many things I still attach power to. So many incidents I hold myself accountable for. Forgiveness of myself is not so easy. Another reason I started this blog was to give power back to myself. To heal.

The thing about alcoholics is they love to cover things up, to lie, betray, and hold secrets. Don't tell. It's a family matter. The family keeps secrets too. Look deep and those secrets go deep. This blog is my freedom. It is my escape from secrets.

The thing about secrets is they destroy. They are a cage. They can be death. They are not based in truth. They are based in fear. To tell the truth is to open a window to freedom. To say no to holding secrets is a step to power. Secrets cover shame. Secrets say there is something wrong here and I will pretend it doesn't exist. Secrets freeze but truth moves.

The thing about truth is it is freedom. It brings rebirth and life. It brings safety and trust. It reminds me that we will be OK.

Swan (everyone was an Ugly Duckling once)

1. Lie on your stomach. Pull your navel in, lifting it away from floor as you send your tailbone down toward the floor.
2. Legs are straight and can be slightly apart. Your shoulder blades slide down your back as you place your hands under your shoulders, elbows in.
3. Inhale: Lengthen your spine, sending energy through the top of your head as you press your forearms and hands into the mat to support a long upward arc of the upper body (chest/heart opens to wall in front of you).
4. The elbows are close to the body, the head stays in line with the spine, and the hips stay on the mat.
5. Exhale: Keep your abdominals lifted as you release the arc, lengthening your spine as your torso returns to the mat

Repeat 3-5 times with a fluid movement