It seems like a while since I made a post, and yet it was just a week ago which makes me think I had one very long week. I always thought of summer as a time to relax and rejuvenate. A time when one could sit back and re-create them self if they needed re-creating. I seemed to always need or want to re-create myself, which I guess is telling of how friggin neurotic I am. So as always I began this summer with a list-a plan- for the long stretch before me, and yet there has been no long stretch.....WHAT??!! I mean I am utterly grateful for the work. Believe me, as a free lancer I LOVE to work. I mentally planned to be penny pinching all summer while hanging out and catching up on a few things. I planned to have lazy days with Isa at the park, pool, beach, or God help me the zoo. I planned to re-create myself. To exercise my ass off (literally). To write more. To read more. To paint more. And yet I have spent my days working more. But I have to say I am not complaining. I feel the best I have in a long while. I am in a routine, I have incredible female friends near and far. I am trying to still write, investigate and be inspired. I am keeping busy and mentally trying to find space for breath. The one thing I truly wanted to do that I have been putting off mainly due to fear of failure and that I think I may have lost my talent along the way is paint. And yet over the weekend the Universe forced me to get out of my box and explore that fear. I was given an opportunity...that may or may not turn into anything. What is greater than this opportunity is that it put a deadline in front of me. It forced me to paint all weekend. At first there was doubt and judgement and all those damn intellectual artists in my past asking me what it meant and why I was doing pretty "girly paintings". then there was the advice from my new artist friend Kate to get out of my head and just let go. It took a while, but I began to feel it again. That amazing adrenaline rush that painting gives me. I was up until 3am the first night. It felt great. I was alive again and could have stayed up all night, but I new Isa does not understand all-nighters and Mommy's need for sleep. I forced myself to bed and was woken up 3 hours later as Isa demanded her am yogurt and apple juice. I coaxed her back to bed while allowing her to indulge in Diego so that I could get a few more hours sleep. For whatever reason she was hyped up that morning and decided to use me as her personal bouncy bounce while pretending to also catch endangered animals with Diego. I knew then it would be a long day. But by the end of the weekend I felt more confident in myself as an artist. I re-connected with my art and that part of me that I kept in a controlled box deep within me. The thing about art and creating for those who follow their creative side is that it is difficult to turn it off once it is out there. It can easily take over and call on you at all times. I have to say, while all the females in my life were encouraging and supportive when I needed the courage to open this side of myself again, the best part was that each time I finished a painting Isa would look at it and take a deep breath and say, "Mommy, that's beautiful." With such drama and attention that my heart would melt each time. If nothing else I can definitely continue to paint just for that. So maybe the summer can still be about re-creating myself and finding a sense of peace while remaining right here in my little NYC apartment busy as Hell.
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