I know it doesn't sound so amazing or big of a deal, but it is. All my life I have been able to follow my own way, my own path, and yet now that I have Isa I am beginning to question how right that is. Of course I need extra money but I also need stability and health insurance and those grown up things we are suppose to have at my age. So I applied for a job. Well, actually I applied for two but only made it to one interview. I thought about it, processed it, talked it over and over, and then followed my gut and said, "No'. It is a risk. I may not really "make it" if I continue pursuing my own path as a Pilates instructor and Art Therapist, but I think I need to try.
Another big factor in my decision was that it would take me away from Isabella. There would be 2 days a week that I would barely see her. I just can't do that. I thought maybe I could but her voice saying, "Don't go Mommy" every time I leave for work makes my heart hurt. I think it is better for her and for me to continue on. Make our way and figure it out as we go. I think working in a more stable environment would be safe but I think I would regret what I was giving up. So I am feeling a bit better about turning the position down. I have already begun to make more progress toward my Art Therapy career.
Isa is asleep right now, and I can't help but wonder how she will interpret this part of her life. I think as parents we hope for the best. At least I do. Hope I do enough, hope she gets enough, hope she doesn't hate me, and majorly hope I don't mess her up too much. I have no choice but to work and I feel selfish at times that I am so passionate about what I do because I enjoy my work. I hope she appreciates that and appreciates me when she gets older. I think at this age they tend to hold onto memories a bit more, but I wonder how much of what we do daily is truly planting the webs of her life. It is scary and fascinating to me that every choice we make effects our children and contributes to the type of person they will be. I know I don't make the best decisions all the time, but I try. I also know it is hard being a parent. You are all of a sudden the decision maker and the authority figure and yet if you are at all like me you have no clue what that means. Have the time I make stuff up as I go.
Like life, there is no guidebook for being a parent. We all make it up as we go and hope for the best, and if we fail we try, try again.
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