Finding Freedom

Today I have the first day off in so long I can't remember and don't quite know what to do with myself. I had one very early client and then brought Isa to school. I was going to try to make a Sculptworks class at Yogaworks, where I have a 2 week trial membership, but forgot my mat and just didn't feel like jogging there so I went to a yoga class instead. I think I needed it more. I needed to lie in a dark space and listen to the sounds of Manhattan from a safe bamboo room. Normally I do not like yoga but I know it is good for me. I know I need the stillness it can bring. I am trying to find my fit. So I felt better after this class. It was the perfect length and pace, and makes me sad my membership is nearly through. 

In fact, considering it is tax day I am feeling surprisingly calm. Now that my financial year is filed and cleaned I think I need to do the same with my apartment and life. I already picked up Isa from school-much to the confusion of the Director- so I could stay curled up all day if I wanted. I think instead I will try to organize and clean out my apartment instead. I need a change and a cleaning out of sorts. I need to be in a clearer space. 

I also think today is a good day for art. I found these images in my portfolio-they are so sad and pensive. I think I need to create some images that are a bit more alive.  We'll see if I get to that. I am making it a rule to have a list but not to force myself to stick to it. I need a bit more space and freedom in life. Isa is teaching me to be a bit more carefree.

Butterfly

So I find myself once again at transitional roads. I guess that is life. As much as I love the transformational aspect of life it also makes me scared and uncomfortable- especially if it is done without my choosing. I am such a control freak. Isa loves caterpillars- she is currently obsessed with them turning into butterflies. I find it amusing that I feel like a caterpillar a lot these days just waiting for my cocoon so I can transform into something beautiful. 

Let me start first with the boring- I am rearranging this blog. I feel I am getting tired and bored with myself and if I am, I'm sure anyone else who is reading this is. So I am changing it a bit. It will still have the same feel but be a bit less structured. I'm thinking it will change as I do until I get something that feels right-just humor me this life crisis. 

What actually sparked all this is an experimental Pilates/Art Therapy group I had. I needed to put into action these two modalities so that I could see what worked and what didn't. I needed a group of people so I asked friends, acquaintances, clients, etc. to come. Everyone seemed excited which made me excited. I sent out numerous emails and everyone confirmed and then of course the night came and 3 people out of 10 came. The majority of those who did not attend and who did not call to let me know they were not attending were my "friends". The group didn't go great. I need more work, but I expected that a bit. My friends not showing up brought a clear picture- I need new friends. It isn't the first time. This has been happening since I had Isa and since I went through crap with my Ex. My friends just don't seem so supportive when it gets to the hard stuff. Of course I need to say here I have some pretty amazing friends also-I'm more discussing a particular category. I think we all have them. My therapist calls them historical friends. The kind of people who have been in our life for so long we depend on them and yet maybe they are not really what is best. So after being hurt one too many times I've decided to make new friends. 

It is odd and awkward for me to make new friends and yet I'm trying. I'm reaching out. I'm using the playground and the Mommy's group I belong to. I'm trying my best. It feels a bit like dating, which we all know I suck at. But I'm trying. Mom's are a safe group to befriend because they are dealing with a lot of the same thing. A lot of us were thrown into a new world where most of the time we are confused and just hoping we aren't found out for doing things wrong. So I'm starting there, and hoping to find new friends who are supportive and reliable. I think I've already found a few good candidates so things are looking up. It sounds weird to be in search of friends. Something that should be so natural, but as we get older and we no longer of social networks at our disposal it gets more difficult. 

I watch Isa on the playground and we are working on social skills. I am teaching her how to introduce herself and make friends. It's funny that we are going through this parallel process. It is even more ironic how simple it is for kids. She has gotten good at this game. 

"Hi. I'm Isa want to play?" and bam off they go. Usually the other mom and I make small talk and stand awkwardly pretending to be engaged and fascinated by our children. It just isn't as easy anymore, but why not? 

I always imagined having  lots of people around when I had a child. I wanted them to grow up around friends and a loving family. I pictured happily married parents enviously in love and friends all around. I couldn't get the happily married thing down but I still feel like I can give her this. I want Isa to grow surrounded by caring people, and this I feel I can give her. 

The Guidebook

Today I turned down a job. 

I know it doesn't sound so amazing or big of a deal, but it is. All my life I have been able to follow my own way, my own path, and yet now that I have Isa I am beginning to question how right that is. Of course I need extra money but I also need stability and health insurance and those grown up things we are suppose to have at my age. So I applied for a job. Well, actually I applied for two but only made it to one interview. I thought about it, processed it, talked it over and over, and then followed my gut and said, "No'. It is a risk. I may not really "make it" if I continue pursuing my own path as a Pilates instructor and Art Therapist, but I think I need to try. 

Another big factor in my decision was that it would take me away from Isabella. There would be 2 days a week that I would barely see her. I just can't do that. I thought maybe I could but her voice saying, "Don't go Mommy" every time I leave for work makes my heart hurt. I think it is better for her and for me to continue on. Make our way and figure it out as we go. I think working in a more stable environment would be safe but I think I would regret what I was giving up. So I am feeling a bit better about turning the position down. I have already begun to make more progress toward my Art Therapy career. 

Isa is asleep right now, and I can't help but wonder how she will interpret this part of her life. I think as parents we hope for the best. At least I do. Hope I do enough, hope she gets enough, hope she doesn't hate me, and majorly hope I don't mess her up too much. I have no choice but to work and I feel selfish at times that I am so passionate about what I do because I enjoy my work. I hope she appreciates that and appreciates me when she gets older. I think at this age they tend to hold onto memories a bit more, but I wonder how much of what we do daily is truly planting the webs of her life. It is scary and fascinating to me that every choice we make effects our children and contributes to the type of person they will be. I know I don't make the best decisions all the time, but I try. I also know it is hard being a parent. You are all of a sudden the decision maker and the authority figure and yet if you are at all like me you have no clue what that means. Have the time I make stuff up as I go. 

Like life, there is no guidebook for being a parent. We all make it up as we go and hope for the best, and if we fail we try, try again.